I also knew many whose stories were amazing and beautiful. My sister was adopted. Growing up, I just thought of her as my sister and when friends would find out she was adopted and ask me about it, it was more like an afterthought. Oh yeah. I never thought of her as my "adopted sister" just my sister. It felt so natural and normal, that I'd forget to mention it. Growing up I know that I had an "annoying little sister" mindset about her that I regret now. Though I wish I had treated her better when I was younger, we have a good relationship today and even though she went through a difficult period in her late teens and early twenties that was hard on her and hard on my mom, they have an amazing relationship. My sister is grateful for my mom and my mom loves her deeply. We get together often on holidays and she and I chat on the phone or text. There is no one I'd rather shop with. That's what sisters are for right? I love her and her beautiful family and they live nearby.
So though I knew that there are both happy and difficult adoption stories, I kept thinking of adoption horror stories I'd heard or read about.... - remembering a story in Readers Digest of an adopted child who got violent, or stories of kids from other countries who were trafficked and ended up having to leave the adopted family because their biological family didn't understand it was forever. This was not a good place for my mind to go.
I also knew that if we did get a boy who is a little older (even somewhere between 3-8 for instance) that there could be some behavioral issues simply because of what he may have gone through. Often times the reason adoption is needed, is because of the extremely difficult circumstances behind the child's life and with special needs children from a third world country, it could be even more so. The workload of physically caring for a child could also be small in comparison to the behavioral, emotional and spiritual needs a child could face if he has been mistreated or even just institutionalized. My heart goes out to those children who have faced abuse or neglect
I knew that I wanted to go into this completely committed to the welfare of our boy, as well as to our biological children and willing to make whatever sacrifices necessary to do so. I didn't want to do this halfway.
Being on this side, it is almost laughable how worried I was, even though my pain felt real at the time. Especially right after she was born, our life was pretty crazy. But I love my life with Vivien. Truly she is not burdensome. I love her so dearly and she is such a wonderful content little person. She fits beautifully into our family. Caring for her now feels natural, easy and normal. Just a part of our everyday life like caring for any other of our children. It feels natural and normal, in the same way that life with my sister who was adopted felt so natural and normal growing up that I'd forget to mention it. Both with adoption and with caring for a child with special needs there are challenges. But there is also joy.Of course the workload is time consuming and sometimes inconvenient - but that is true for our other kids as well. All children, special needs or not, adopted or not, bring challenges. Even my fear of travel was unjustified as she has been to 6 different states/provinces with us. Truly, God has made the yoke "easy" and the burden "light." with Vivien. It doesn't mean that there aren't difficult times or that there won't be difficult times. But He has given great grace. He kept reminding me how he has made life with Vivien beautiful and He will also do this with our boy. It doesn't mean that we might face different challenges than we've faced with Vivien, or that our life won't change or even be difficult at times. But it does mean that God can make it good and beautiful.
I wanted to believe the best about God's redemptive power in regard to the boy we adopt. I know that the very heart of the gospel is that He takes our brokenness and heals us - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and in our behavior. He brings beauty and joy and hope. I wanted to believe the best about our boy and not expect that everything would be difficult. I wanted to believe that God is good and powerful and that He can and will work in the lives of all of our children, including our boy to come. I absolutely believe in the regenerating power of Jesus and the gospel in every person's life.
I wrote this in my journal to God, "The furthest thing from my heart and head is to.... expect that something bad will happen, I so don't want to raise him up always feeling suspicious of him or feeling like he is different. Of course he will be different than all my kids - but all my kids are different with different personalities and issues. The last thing I want to do is go into this with a biased or suspecting heart toward a boy that will be my child and will hold my heart. I want to love him well and freely and expect the best and speak good things over him and believe good things of him, that he will be Your child all the days of his life and that all my kids will be YOURS heart and soul.
I know that I will be stretched emotionally, (as I was stretched with Viv) in knowing how to...love him and...what that will look like and where the line is and what he will be able to handle.... I know that in some ways, because he will not have bonded with me as a baby there will be attachment issues and I will need to really listen to your Holy Spirit in what is best for his...heart. Lord, there are just so many unknowns. But... I feel a settled resolve and depth though and trusting in you.
That morning I was reading about Abraham. Gen 17:9 And God said to Abraham, “As for you, you shall keep my covenant, you and your offspring after you throughout their generations." I want this for all my children including my boy. I wrote, " So Lord - prepare me and make me ready. Help me to trust You for what the future holds. I feel inadequate to love well and correctly and fully but I know that Your grace is there for me because You have ultimately called us to this so we can trust You in it. I keep going back to how I felt when Vivien was going to be born and how so many of my fears were unfounded and you have made this life with her so good..... You will give the grace and joy and strength and love that I desperately need. So I thank You and I give this to You."
Just like my blogpost about "Growing some Love" for Vivien, Jesus is in the process of growing my love for our boy, who I haven't met yet. Vivien has beautifully enhanced my life and made it richer and fuller. Our boy will do the same. When your family expands, your love grows.
The Sunday after we had made the decision to adopt, Todd was working 24 hrs so I had to get all the kids to church. When Todd is gone, this is at the best - a challenge - at the worst a nightmare sometimes. By the time I settled into my seat that day with Viv I was feeling such struggle and warfare and doubt about our decision. I was struggling with self doubt and feeling like a good mom in caring for the kids I had now. How could I think about being able to care for another? I was ready for God to speak to me.
It is funny. A theme of our marriage - and really our life - has been found in Deut 30 which speaks of "entering into the land" that God has put before us. The passage the pastor was in that morning was Deut 9, which also speaks of entering into the land that God has for us. This adoption will be an entering of new territory for us - one in which we need God's help. Pastor Jay Haugh was talking about the reliability of God. When he calls us to do something that may feel difficult - we can look at the past, and see His reliability - His goodness and faithfulness - and know that He will be with us for the future as well. Again, I sat back, amazed at God's perfect timing of this sermon for me. It was exactly what I needed.
Just as the Holy Spirit has been reminding me about His faithfulness and reliability with Viv, this sermon reminded me that He will be faithful in the future for our boy. My favorite quote from the sermon was this, "Our courageous obedience (for the future) is based on experiencing Jesus predictability." In obeying Jesus, we look not to our own strength but to His past faithfulness.
In Deut 9 (as well as Ezekiel 36:24-28, another important passage in my life) it talks about how this is not based on our righteousness. We don't "enter the land" because of our own strength or goodness. We aren't adopting a child because we are awesome or righteous or capable. We will adopt him even if we feel inadequate, knowing that it is His righteousness, not ours, His strength, not our own. Again - His strength is made perfect in our weakness. We will pray that He will grow our love, grow our capacity and grow our joy. He has done this before and He will do it again.That morning I knew I was weak. Yet that sermon gave me courage. God's timing is perfect.
The other incredible thing that God did that week was not only in our own lives but the lives of our children. We weren't the only ones who had to process this. And it has been a process....
To be continued.... (Part IV Here)
That morning I was reading about Abraham. Gen 17:9 And God said to Abraham, “As for you, you shall keep my covenant, you and your offspring after you throughout their generations." I want this for all my children including my boy. I wrote, " So Lord - prepare me and make me ready. Help me to trust You for what the future holds. I feel inadequate to love well and correctly and fully but I know that Your grace is there for me because You have ultimately called us to this so we can trust You in it. I keep going back to how I felt when Vivien was going to be born and how so many of my fears were unfounded and you have made this life with her so good..... You will give the grace and joy and strength and love that I desperately need. So I thank You and I give this to You."
Just like my blogpost about "Growing some Love" for Vivien, Jesus is in the process of growing my love for our boy, who I haven't met yet. Vivien has beautifully enhanced my life and made it richer and fuller. Our boy will do the same. When your family expands, your love grows.
The Sunday after we had made the decision to adopt, Todd was working 24 hrs so I had to get all the kids to church. When Todd is gone, this is at the best - a challenge - at the worst a nightmare sometimes. By the time I settled into my seat that day with Viv I was feeling such struggle and warfare and doubt about our decision. I was struggling with self doubt and feeling like a good mom in caring for the kids I had now. How could I think about being able to care for another? I was ready for God to speak to me.
It is funny. A theme of our marriage - and really our life - has been found in Deut 30 which speaks of "entering into the land" that God has put before us. The passage the pastor was in that morning was Deut 9, which also speaks of entering into the land that God has for us. This adoption will be an entering of new territory for us - one in which we need God's help. Pastor Jay Haugh was talking about the reliability of God. When he calls us to do something that may feel difficult - we can look at the past, and see His reliability - His goodness and faithfulness - and know that He will be with us for the future as well. Again, I sat back, amazed at God's perfect timing of this sermon for me. It was exactly what I needed.
Just as the Holy Spirit has been reminding me about His faithfulness and reliability with Viv, this sermon reminded me that He will be faithful in the future for our boy. My favorite quote from the sermon was this, "Our courageous obedience (for the future) is based on experiencing Jesus predictability." In obeying Jesus, we look not to our own strength but to His past faithfulness.
In Deut 9 (as well as Ezekiel 36:24-28, another important passage in my life) it talks about how this is not based on our righteousness. We don't "enter the land" because of our own strength or goodness. We aren't adopting a child because we are awesome or righteous or capable. We will adopt him even if we feel inadequate, knowing that it is His righteousness, not ours, His strength, not our own. Again - His strength is made perfect in our weakness. We will pray that He will grow our love, grow our capacity and grow our joy. He has done this before and He will do it again.That morning I knew I was weak. Yet that sermon gave me courage. God's timing is perfect.
The other incredible thing that God did that week was not only in our own lives but the lives of our children. We weren't the only ones who had to process this. And it has been a process....
To be continued.... (Part IV Here)
No comments:
Post a Comment