by Molly
When it comes to married life, women and the Bible, it seems like there are essentially two things that are emphasized in Scripture.
1. We are to be our husbands helpmeet.
2. We are to respectfully submit to him as to the Lord.
What I find fascinating about these two things is that we really need a good understanding of each in order to be and do the other.
On the positive side, to submit to our husbands as to the Lord is a beautiful thing. When we truly consider his thoughts and opinions on life, our perspectives can change. In a good marriage, we are partners with someone who thinks very differently than we do. Men and women are different. Countless books and studies confirm this. The more I get to know my husband, the more I see that there are certain things that would benefit me if I were a little more like him. This doesn’t mean that I give up who I am as a woman or try to be more like a man, but it does mean that I become more well rounded in who I am and in how I look at life. When, through submission, I hear his thoughts, see his goals and listen to his heart, there are times that I wish I were more like him. I truly do admire my husband.
In addition to this, there are times when we may not agree and he knows it, but he also knows that I will do my best to submit to him with a right attitude. This is when it gets tricky, but submitting to him by allowing him to fail and accepting the consequences sometimes can be the wisest thing to do. And other times, when I submit to him even if I disagree… I find out later that he is (gulp)…. right!
On the positive side of being a helpmeet, there is nothing more thrilling and satisfying than truly helping him and being appreciated for it. The other day my husband turned to me, and I could tell that he was going to say something important. Actually I am sorry to say that I was thinking he looked very serious and was going to tell me something negative. But instead he surprised me by giving me a very sincere and praiseworthy compliment about something that he often doesn’t always seem to notice. He had seen my heart in a specific area, and the time and effort I’d spent doing something that blessed him and he really did appreciate it. It made my day – maybe even my week.
We can be our husbands helpmeets in many areas – practically in home things, mentally in supplying him with ideas, emotionally by supporting him in difficult times and praising him, sexually by meeting his needs, and spiritually by motivating him toward God in our actions, words and attitudes. I think for me, when I know that I am helping my husband spiritually or emotionally and that I have touched his heart or his spirit by my words, I am more satisfied and fulfilled than I can even express. I love connecting with him heart to heart and spirit to spirit, and actually helping him see things of God or move closer to God.
Isn’t it interesting though, that in being the wife our man needs includes both submitting and helping… and if we emphasize one above the other, we can actually bring negative things into our marriage and become out of balance. Let me explain.
As I said before, I love really and truly helping my husband spiritually and emotionally. But have you noticed that sometimes “help” can quickly turn into “control”. When we begin to help our husbands practically in the area of our home our “help” can turn into a bunch of rules that we have for him in order to run our house more smoothly. Sometimes giving him spiritual and emotional advice can actually turn into a prideful attitude, always assuming that we have the inside track with God, and if he would just listen to us, he would get closer to God. This is called nagging. “Helping” can quickly turn into a nightmare that is the complete opposite of submitting.
Why do we do this? Why do we help our husbands in a way that becomes controlling? I believe that one of the biggest motivators that cause us to be controlling is fear. We fear that if we do not run things the way we want, run our husbands the way we want, make sure he turns into the spiritual person we want him to be etc… our life will be out of control.
It is interesting that Scripture says in I Pet 3:6 about Sarah, “just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord, and you have become her children if you do what is right without being frightened by any fear.” Sarah was made beautiful by submitting to her husband because she was not afraid. (I Pet 3:5) Was Abraham trustworthy? Definitely not. He gave her to another man because he was too much of a coward to protect her – twice! But Sarah’s trust was not in her husband. Who was her Protector? When we read about it in Gen 12:10-18 and Gen 20:2-14 we find that God completely took care of her. When we fear, we are actually making an assumption that God is not in control, so we have to be. This is not being a helpmeet. This is giving in to the enemy’s’ lies and giving in to fear. This is the opposite of submission.
Recently Todd and I had some long “discussions” about an area that we weren’t seeing eye to eye on. Instead of telling him my perspective and leaving it at that, I used all my best arguments trying to convince him to see it my way and to show him where I was coming from, even using Scripture. I wanted to help him see the truth and I sensed a resistance in him. I found myself getting very emotional and frustrated. In the midst of it, I heard God whisper, “you are standing in my way.” I later apologized to Todd and backed off. I knew that I needed to trust God and let it go. The interesting thing was, as soon as I did, I saw Todd’s attitude soften, in the very area that I was trying to convince him. I felt like God had spoken to me that yes, my perspective might be right, but the way I was trying to “help” Todd see the truth was actually hindering God from showing it to him in His way. I was fearful that if I didn’t convince him that God couldn’t… The lie the enemy was telling me was based on fear, and it seems silly to believe it when I see it printed out here on paper, but that was what I was sub-consciously struggling with. About a week or so later, Todd told me that God convicted him of the very thing that I was sensing in him. I needed to get out of the way and let God work.
On the other hand, when we take submitting to our husbands as to the Lord, without considering the fact that we need to be his helpmeet, we may actually hinder our husbands. Have you ever heard of the term “yes man”? In this business world, this refers to a man who flatters his boss and doesn’t really care about the company or his boss’s success, instead he just agrees with everything his boss wants, and is basically a brown noser. His outlook is to please his boss, but not to give him ideas, challenge him or make his company successful by at times presenting a different perspective.
There are times when we can submit to our husbands in a way that doesn’t help him at all. Our desire for peace, or to avoid confrontation of any sort actually leads to an imbalanced concept of submission. When we submit to our husbands, as to the Lord and as a helpmeet, we are right where we need to be.
I remember when Todd and I first were together, we had a disagreement. I saw things one way, and he saw things another. I remember praying about this. Everything in me wanted to just give up what I thought and to think like Todd instead. Wasn’t that the right thing to do? Wasn’t that what submitting was? As I prayed about it, I felt like the Lord said very clearly to me that this was an area that Todd needed my perspective on and that I wasn’t to change my mind. I was to submit to Todd, to support him and to tell him that I was behind him, but still to make it clear that I didn’t agree with him in this area.
This has been a pattern that has been so important in our marriage. We want to make decisions together. Todd knows that he is the “buck stopper” when it comes to our decisions. He knows and has at times made decisions that I disagreed with. It doesn’t happen that often, but it does happen. But he also knows that, even though I see things differently, I will submit to him, go along with his decision even if I don’t feel it’s best, and support him and have (or at least try to have) a good attitude.
I am not talking about areas of clear sin here, I am talking about decisions in marriage that have to do with what each of us think is best or wise or led by God. This is where hearing from the Holy Spirit is so important. In being Todd’s helpmeet, I submit as to the Lord. I go to God first when my perspective is different than Todd’s. I go with a heart that says, “speak to me, I’m willing to change my perspective, but I want Yours more than I want mine or Todd’s.” Sometimes God changes my perspective and shows me Todd is right. Sometimes he shows me that I am right. And sometimes both of us are partially right. But the bottom line is that submission does not always mean being a yes woman, but it has to be balanced with being his helpmeet.
So what is the one thing that motivates us to submit in an out of balance way? Once again, I believe that a big motivator is fear. We fear that we will lose intimacy with our husbands if we disagree with them, so instead, we choose to in a sense, throw our intuition or perspective out the window. We check our brains at the door because we fear confrontation. We don’t want a fight so we just pretend that we agree even when we know that God has shown us otherwise. Another thing we fear is the responsibility of the decision. We’d rather not be responsible for influencing him too much, because what if we are wrong? So we just comply and pretend like we agree, or we actually choose to change our thinking and give up on what we believe is right out of fear.
I am not advocating defiance or a lack of submission. It’s not that God can’t speak to us through our husbands or cause us to have a change of heart or perspective. Once again, God’s direction to us is the bottom line. But I am advocating being a true helpmeet. When we tell our husbands our perspective, with a submissive, respectful attitude, assuring him that we will support him in his decision we are being a true helpmeet and truly submitting. When we withhold our true opinion from our husbands we may actually be hindering him from making the right decision by our abdication of responsibility to speak when God wants us to.
On the other hand, if we share with him what we really think and he goes ahead with his decision, we can trust that 1. God is in control and can lead us through our husbands and 2. We have taken care of our responsibility before God of being his helpmeet. Then we can joyfully support him in his decision. If we end up being right, we can bless him by supporting him when he faces the consequences of his decision. If we end up being wrong we can be very grateful that we submitted to him as to the Lord, and that the Lord directed him despite our wrong advice.
Do you see how great it is that we are to be both a helpmeet and a submissive wife? God knew what he was doing and He is in control and trustworthy. If we are listening to Him and open to His direction we can trust Him.
I have been frustrated at times by the fact that sometimes it seems like God speaks to me about certain areas, before Todd. This is not true of all of our decisions but it happens. This is a pattern that also shows up in Scripture. Why did God speak to Mary about the birth of Jesus before Joseph? This brought division for a time in their lives. Why did Jesus tell Mary Magdalene first about His resurrection – and gave her a command to tell the men. The men didn’t believe her. Wouldn’t it have been easier on these women if he’d spoken to both the women and men at the same time? The two greatest events in the history of the world were spoken to women first. There are many other examples of this happening in Scripture . Does this make women more spiritual than men? Definitely not. God has placed husbands as the head of their wives. Does this make men more spiritual than women? Definitely not.
Gal 3:28 says that there is neither male nor female but we are one in Christ. We are equal in the fact that we can both hear from God. But in a marriage, God will communicate to us in different ways and maybe even at different times. And it’s my job to hear what He has to say and share it with Todd in a way that is both helpful to him, and yet submissive at the same time. In the same way it is my job to listen to Todd’s perspective and learn what God has to say to me through him. This is why we need each other. What a beautiful thing!
So let’s be women of the Word, and women of faith in God. Our husbands are human. God is trustworthy. When we say no to fear, when we submit and trust God, when we listen to Him and share our perspectives with our husbands while supporting them and helping them, we are truly fulfilling what God has asked us to do. This is who he meant us to be as wives. I am so grateful for the way He designed it and who he made us to be!
