Coming Home without Joseph

As some of you may have heard, Silas and I are returning from Uganda without Joseph. This was something that no one was expecting. I will (1) summarize those of you who want a short quick update, then I will go into more (2) details of the case, and lastly, write about (3) what God is doing in our lives and hearts.

(1) Summary

The adoption has been finalized and declared by the courts in Uganda that Joseph is ours. We believed this would be a quick trip because we had asked for and received a visa appointment. Myriam, our adoption agent said it is a formality and after the appointment it should take one or two days to be issued the visa from the US embassy. The Ugandan side of the adoption is done.

I will explain the appointment in detail later, but we were denied Joseph’s visa on the grounds that the embassy is concerned that the adoption could be (not will be) later considered illegal. They need to investigate it further and it has been put on hold. It could be months and we are not sure how long.

Everyone involved in this case and everyone that we have spoken to has never heard of anything like this happening. Our lawyer, our adoption agent and all that are involved are shocked. Myriam said it is completely unheard of because the Ugandan courts have declared him ours and they are in a sense, disagreeing with the courts by continuing to delay. While it could take months for the embassy to investigate our case (even though they have already had the information for months), Myriam has one other resource that she is contacting that could possibly bring a resolution in a week or two. We were hoping that she would be able to get a hold of them before our plane trip home, but she was not able to and we had to cancel Joseph’s ticket. Because we had no idea if this solution would be favorable or not and how indefinite the timing would be, we opted to come home and come back if a solution is found. So the door is not closed on the adoption but at he same time, it is definitely not open.

This was incredibly difficult for Joseph. He came to Kampala completely expecting that we would be taking him home. He doesn’t understand fully what that means, but he is so clearly attached to us, excited to see us and though he can’t talk or walk, he knows we are his family. He and Silas hit it off splendidly. Most of our time with him was spent with giggles and smiles and so much joy.

Edith was also crushed for many reasons the hardest of which is that she knows Joseph’s heart. When the time came for her to tell him that he could not stay with us, he caught his breath like a child who was in pain. You know when a toddler is running, takes a fall and everything is silent because they are hurt so badly? There are several seconds of silence wait in anticipation for the gasp and the cry? Joseph’s lower lip came out, his face filled with pain and he didn’t breathe but then gasped, gave a long wail and began sobbing. Edith, Silas, Brenda, Precious and I had spent an extended time beforehand, laying hands one him and praying for him for God to comfort his heart in advance. Everyone including Silas was in tears when he left. In fact, Silas took it the hardest of anyone and had to excuse himself. I have rarely seen him so effected.

Shortly after Joseph got back to Home of Hope, we heard this from Edith’s husband Richard, “"Joseph needs much prayers friends. He understands very well and he knows he didn't go home with his family. Every moment I I tell him ‘be strong mama will take you home at the right time’, he busts into tears. A bond from God!"

We know God has a plan for Joseph. We know that he is our son and that we have adopted him, whether he ends up living in Uganda or the US. This adoption has taken so much out of us and we are tired. We are looking to God and holding this with an open hand. Right now, the circumstances do seem to point to us bringing Joseph home eventually we just don't know when. I am appreciative of all the people here who have spoken beautiful faith words when I feel like I don’t quite have the faith they do. Edith and Jessy and Precious have spoken words of faith over Joseph and over us. We love Joseph and will be committed to him forever, regardless of the outcome and where he lives. We are trusting God for whatever He has for Joseph and for us.

(2) Details of the Case

There is a law that says that everyone who adopts in Uganda must foster the child for 12 months in the country. There is a clause where they give the courts the ability to excuse you from fostering under the grounds of “exceptional circumstances.” There are many healthy children who have been adopted under this “exceptional circumstance” clause for various reasons. When our adoption agency took on this case, they told us that this would be difficult as all Ugandan adoptions are, but because of Joseph’s great medical needs they were fairly certain that we could be granted the exception under this clause.

The biggest hurdle would be getting the judge to rule on this. There were a lot of hurdles in the last 2 ½ years but we made it through them all and Joseph was declared ours with the judge waiving the 12 month foster rule based on his exceptional circumstances in the form of his medical needs. We applied for the visa appointment and were finally granted it, with Silas and I flying to Uganda for the appointment this week. To get through all the Ugandan side of the paperwork and adoption was supposed to be the difficult part. To be denied on the US side is unheard of. Myriam has done many adoptions, and this has never happened.

The problem is that Ugandan adoptions in the past have been subject to corruption. Agencies in the US go through orphanages and organizations to adopt Ugandan children. But some of the organizations they have adopted from have been corrupt. They paid parents to allow their children to go to the US, deceiving them into thinking that their children will go for a time and then come back, but then they never see them again. They charge the adoption agencies fees and receive money. This is basically trafficking. Both the natural parents and the adoptive parents do not realize that they are being deceived. There have been cases where parents in the US who have completed adoptions have had to give their children back because it has been declared illegal, causing devastation to all the parties involved. This is why the fostering law has been implemented. With Joseph however, this is clearly not the case to make an example of as it is truly a legitimate exceptional circumstance given his abandonment for 5 years with no one responding to radio and print advertisements. In addition to this his need for medical attention is severe and makes the case even stronger.

We have known about the corruption, but the embassy said that they need to look into our case (which they have had copies of for months) further because we have not completed the 12 months fostering. They need to work with the ministry of Gender in Uganda to do this. Even though the judge has waived the 12 months based on the exceptional circumstance clause they have said the wording was ambiguous. They had the paperwork themselves, but Myriam provided them a current e-mail with a cut and pasted copy of the judge's ruling. Patricia our lawyer says it is very clear. The man at the embassy also said that they want the Ugandan government to define what “exceptional circumstances” means more clearly and until they do, they don’t want more cases where a completed adoption could be declared illegal after the fact. He said they were doing it for our protection and that our case has not been refused forever but it has been put on hold.

When I asked him how long it would take, he said that another case came up like this in May and it is now November and still not resolved. When I asked him what we needed to do next he told me he knew it was hard to hear, but all we can do is wait. He also told us that they will update us periodically. If we call or email every week, he has to write up a report on our call, respond to our e-mail and it just takes longer. They are not refusing our case, simply denying our visa to investigate it further.

When I told Myriam, our adoption agent, she was floored and stumped. We knew that the Ugandan side of the adoption would be difficult, but she had no idea that the holdup would come from the US side. She has another route that she can try that oversees the embassy. She tried very hard to reach them before we left but was unable to before Thanksgiving.

The other part of this whole situation is manner in which it happened. Myriam and the lawyers believe is has been mishandled. We went to considerable expense to buy tickets for Silas and I as well as a return ticket for Joseph, hotel for us, for Edith and those who brought him. She came with Joseph from Jinja to Kampala with Home of Hope rejoicing that he had a family. We were given an appointment date by the embassy.

Even the appointment itself seemed misleading up until the last minute. We brought Joseph with us to the visa office and met with the first person to give the proper paperwork. Then we had to go to a window and pay the application fee. Then we went to another window for the actual interview. When we went in with Joseph, he had me hold my right hand up and swear that everything in the application was correct to the best of my knowledge. Then he asked me to tell our adoption story and what brought us to that point.

Everything pointed to us moving forward so after I shared with him, when he told me that he was sorry to inform me that the visa was denied I was so flustered I had no idea what to do. He told me that he wanted me to "feel heard" by telling my story. I could tell that he was genuinely sorry to have to deny us, but he was doing what he had been told to do. I didn't know what questions to ask even though I did ask some.

Later that night after talking with Edith, Myriam and others Myriam did encourage me to send an e-mail asking several questions of clarification, as well as asking why they made us come all the way to Uganda with considerable expense just to be denied. This could have been done in a different way. We received a polite e-mail back saying that they regret to inform us that they cannot answer our questions in detail at this time. They made the two points about the ambiguity of the judge's order and the lack of clarification from the Ministry of Gender as to what "exceptional circumstances" consisted of.

We did meet with our lawyer Patricia and discussed several ideas we had but nothing came out that could lead to a solution. She made the point also that the US wants the "exceptional circumstance" more clearly defined, but the very idea of an exceptional circumstance is that it is unique to the child and the situation. It is purposefully ambiguous because there are so many different situations that it is left up to the judge to decide. When you start putting parameters around what exceptional circumstances mean, you take away its purpose.

Myriam cautioned against getting too pushy or aggressive with the embassy though she did encourage me to send the e-mail with questions. She did want me to call the next day but said that when people become belligerent or a nuisance, they start talking about giving a case to administration which is something we don't want as it will lengthen everything considerably.

So as it now stands we will wait until next week after the Thanksgiving holiday and see if Myriam can get anywhere with the contact will be making. This could mean we could possibly be going back soon and reapplying. However, if this other route doesn't work and we must wait, it could be months.

(3) Trip Details and What God is Doing in our Hearts

When Silas and I arrived in Uganda we had a rest day or so and then on Sunday Joseph came from Jinja to Kampala with Lydia one of the nannies from Home of Hope and Edith's son Dennis. Edith needed to stay behind to meet with some officials who were coming to Home of Hope on Monday. Joseph and Silas hit it off right away and I could see that Silas genuinely was taken by him. Joseph was clearly thrilled to be with us, giggling and happy most of the time. I was proud of Silas for flying across the world to meet his brother. The plane trip was not his favorite, but he totally enjoyed Joseph.

When we were denied the visa on Monday and Silas realized that we might not be bringing Joseph home, I was surprised to find my solid, usually drama free, steady boy in tears. I comforted him and we knew that there was still a possibility that Myriam or the lawyers might be able to do something. He was so hopeful and kept asking questions.

As for myself an immediate phrase came into my mind as we were leaving the embassy after the denial. A couple weekends before, I attended a women’s conference at our church. The speaker told about a situation where God had asked her to walk a path of faith. She was hoping for a very specific outcome and every time she prayed about it, God told her, "act in faith". She told us the practical steps that she kept taking to obey God and act in faith. Everything pointed to the outcome that she was hoping for. She was excited had made plans, cleared her schedule and was going to tell everyone what God had done. When the time came though, the outcome was completely different than she had expected. It didn't appear like a glorious victory story. She is currently still in limbo in this situation. But God reminded her that when He tells us to act in faith - she has to leave the outcome to Him. He brings the results and has a plan, even when it isn't what we expect and even when it doesn't seem like a victorious, beautiful ending. God assured her that she had done what He asked.

Almost as soon as I realized what was happening, I felt like God spoke to me, "You acted in faith. You've been obedient". The results were up to Him. Emotionally I felt great peace, despite what was happening. But over the next few days as I analyzed, spoke with others and tried to figure out where my heart was it felt again like a bit of a roller coaster - with a weird numbness, some anxiety – and ending again in peace.

Earlier this year Todd and I went through some difficult times in our adoption journey, where he was struggling with doubt, especially with all the setbacks we had wondering what God was doing. Before we went through some of these things, I'd felt like we were supposed to move forward, fight and push with everything in us for this adoption. But after lots of heartfelt conversations with Todd and some obvious challenges God brought me to a point where I felt he was showing me how to hold Joseph and the future with an open hand. I truly can see God's goodness whether we adopt Joseph or not. We have come to realize that when God opens or closes doors, faithfulness and commitment to Joseph doesn't necessarily mean we have to force them open. I learned that I need to be willing for whatever He has and not push an agenda but let Him work. And emotionally I have come (mostly) to a place where I have peace either way, for various reasons.

I was also thankful for the prayers and support of so many. The encouraging words, texts, messages on Facebook as well of our many friends here in Uganda who came to visit us seemed to fill in a gap when I didn't feel as faith filled. Jessy has been hired to help with our case and he is a strong believer. He came with me to Patricia the lawyer's office and gave me so many faith words about what God is going to do through this. Patricia and her assistant Fatuma were kind and encouraging telling us their prayers were with us. There was nothing they could do as their work was with the Ugandan side and from a legal standpoint there was not a lot to be done.

But it was a difficult and busy week. Grinning at Joseph and seeing him giggle with joy in being with is beautiful. Caring for him is hard. I was thankful that Lydia one of the ladies from Home of Hope was there to help me bathe him, although I did try to do everything else for him other than the times that we went out and Edith or Lydia cared for him. I know that meeting his needs him at home will be exponentially easier than caring for him in Africa out of a suitcase however. Jet lag was not helpful to me, and it was such a short trip that I never really got over it. Sleep was fitful and I was affected by this emotionally and physically.

Jessy and Silas

We have made many friends in Uganda, so it was a full week. Saturday Jessy came and brought Joseph's passport. Sunday evening Joseph arrived, and Monday was the visa appointment. Edith could not come until Monday evening because of some officials coming to visit Home of Hope. The news of the visa denial was especially discouraging to her. The officials had not shown up which was a disappointment and to receive this on top of that I could see she was very low.

My cousin and her kids came Tuesday mid-day and this was a bright spot in the week. The little boys and Lois love their "Jofish" as they call him, and he loves watching and interacting with them. That afternoon left Joseph with Lydia and took a walk to get ice cream. We'd arrived Friday night and mostly been in our room other than the visa appointment, so we needed to get out. Rachel was only able to stay a day, but there is nothing quite like family when you are halfway across the world. Rachel and I have had such good talks in my visits to Uganda and we understand each other and some of the things we are facing in what God has asked us to do. I was so thankful for her.

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Tuesday night my dear Brenda arrived to stay a couple of days with Linda who stayed for dinner. Brenda is a sweet girl that we have sponsored since about 2011 and we are parents from afar to her. This was the longest I've been able to spend with her, which was wonderful, but what happened with Joseph was especially difficult for her. She has gone through a lot of trauma in her life with regard to abandonment, and difficulty. Watching Joseph's pain and knowing that he was expecting to go home to a family that loved him and was incredibly triggering. We did get to spend some time talking and I spent time praying for her and with her as she struggled through tears. We also did her favorite thing Wednesday afternoon, which was shopping.

Brenda and Joseph

Wednesday I met Jessy at Patricia's office and told them the full details, asking questions and brainstorming with them about what could be done, but concluding that right now, there isn't a whole lot and we would have to leave it to Myriam and her contacts.

Wednesday night Precious came and with all the others, we had about 10 people for dinner. I had never met her, but Maggie and Todd have sung her praises as she was their translator when they came and did the medical clinics in Katwe. She had many encouraging words to say about Joseph and our situation and family.

But it was a busy week and though I was exhausted and ready to go home as Thursday approached I was still dreading the goodbye for Joseph's sake. Silas, I was glad to find had genuinely loved his time in Uganda. When Myriam was trying to make a way for our situation to change and we were wondering if we might possibly extend our stay, Silas was all for it. Todd and I both weren't sure how he'd take to this trip, but he did not want to leave Uganda - and Joseph especially. As the time drew closer, he kept giving me ideas he had about what we could work out and asking questions about whether there was still any chance we could stay longer.

Thursday morning, I asked God to give me some Scripture about Joseph. My thoughts have been back and forth, wondering what God has in mind to once again, allow a door to be shut. I am reading in Isaiah and God did speak to me through chapter 9. I didn't necessarily feel an assurance from God that Joseph is going to be with us, but I was reminded that God can give Joseph joy regardless of where he lives. And even though some of this is a prophecy of Christ, I will be praying parts of these verses for Joseph. "No more gloom for those who are in distress.... Those who walked in darkness have seen a radiant light shining upon them. They once lived in the shadows of death but now a glorious light has dawned! Lord you have multiplied the nation and given them overwhelming joy! They are ecstatic in your presence.... For you have broken the chains that have bound your people and lifted off the heavy bar across their shoulders.... You have shattered all their bondage." Joseph has a family that loves him, regardless of where he lives. Rachel reminded me that for him to know he is loved and wanted is important regardless and Jesus can give him joy no matter what.

Thursday was a quiet day and I spent some time with Brenda and Precious and got some time talking with Edith about what the future might look like. The three of us and Silas laid hands on Joseph and all prayed for him, for his heart, for his body, for Jesus to minister to him as the time drew near for him to leave. He didn't understand why we were praying exactly but laid there happily in the middle of us. Partway through Brenda was overcome with tears and had to leave so I spent more time with her, trying to comfort her.

At last it was time for Edith and her sons, and another boy with them, as well as Lydia to go back to Home of Hope. Edith explained to Joseph in Lugandan what was going to happen, and I put my face to his and told him good bye and that I loved him. The moment he realized what was happening, his face contorted with pain and there was silence and then a wail and sobs. As I said before, he was like a toddler, catching his breath after a fall and you wait to hear that breath. He sobbed with great gasps as he realized the truth. Everyone in the room was crying with him as our hearts went out to him. We hugged and kissed him. I picked him up and brought him to the car and he suddenly started to giggle thinking that I was taking him after all. He would realize it soon enough. Edith was wiping away tears as she gave me a hug and got into the car with the rest.

I came in and looked at Silas and his shoulders were heaving, and he was wracked with sobs. He and I went up to the upper balcony where there was an outdoor couch and I just let him have his cry out, spending some time praying with him. Between Brenda, Silas and Joseph I felt a strange numbness myself, as I wanted to be strong and comforting to them. I wasn't feeling well physically from the lack of sleep and exhaustion. It was like I hurt for those around me and especially Joseph, but I wasn't feeling anything myself.

The mood was somber as it was just Silas, Precious, Brenda and I left at the hotel, but we spent some time resting. Precious loves to sing and when I was here earlier this year, God had given me the words to the song Reckless Love. The leaving the 99 for the one was especially meaningful as God spoke to me about how Joseph is our "one" like we are His. Brenda and Precious and I spent some time singing it in harmony and the words did minister to the sorrow in the room.

Leaving Brenda, as a dear daughter was difficult as well. She has such a tender heart, she is incredibly affectionate and to her, we are her family as she has no parents. She is quiet, but a writer and she expressed things through the letters she gave me to carry home. But as we dropped her off, her face was wet with tears. I almost felt like spending time with her made her more sorrowful for the family she couldn't be with. I was praying that God would minister to her heart and comfort here where I couldn't.

As Silas and I headed to the airport, his mood was a little better. He wasn't looking forward to the plane ride, but he was leaving Uganda with a love for Joseph and a love for the people and experience and I know he will want to be back.

Some of the numbness began to wear off as we were waiting at the airport. I felt like this week I had felt responsible for Joseph, responsible to try to do what I could at the embassy and lawyers and with this issue. I wanted to be a good host to all that came to visit, and I do love everyone who I spent time with but felt completely drained. I have realized as I get older that I am less extroverted and more introverted than I thought.

But now that we were at the airport, I was trying to analyze what I was feeling. Traumatization is a word that should probably be used for those in real distress, but I felt like my soul had been a bit traumatized. I wanted out of this situation, I wanted to be home and to rest and to be with what was familiar, while at the same time I felt incredibly guilty for wishing for this especially with the pain that Joseph and Brenda are experiencing. Both are in safe places where they are loved and cared for but without a true nuclear family. Edith especially loves Joseph and is his Mama, as she is for all 70 of the kids at Home of Hope. But God created us to be in families. The Bible says He sets the lonely in families. It is what we long for - that connection where we are known and loved regardless. Our world is broken and much as I want to be there for them, I cannot, but at the same time I felt a strong sense of guilt in going home to my lovely home and husband and kids. I wanted to be home and yet I felt guilty for wanting that.

As we reached the airport in Amsterdam and got a notification from Edith's husband he said, "Joseph needs match prayers friends. He understands very well and he knows he didn't go home with his family.  Every moment I tell him be strong mama will take you home at the right time, he bus into tears.

A bond from God!" Edith also wrote later, that when Joseph reached Home of Hope he cried even more. She said that they are trying to comfort him.

I feel like I have been praying that God would "comfort" Joseph but He has been changing my prayer to not just comfort but "strength". The word "strength" for Joseph has been on my mind. Edith's husband Richard was telling him to be strong. My mom said that someone was talking to her about Joseph receiving strength of character through this. When someone goes through a trauma - sometimes they can be damaged for life - but other times they an become stronger, depending on how they respond. I am praying that God would give Joseph grace to have comfort and strength. Scripture says He is near to the brokenhearted. I know that our world is broken and that although he is in control God's heart hurts when we hurt. Jesus wept with his friends' pain.. I know He hurts for Joseph too but He can empower him. My aunt sent me this for Joseph: "The Lord says, "I will make my people strong with power from me!....Wherever they go, they will be under my personal care." Zech 10:12 TLB  "Wherever he goes" - here or Uganda - God can strengthen him.  Pray that God will strengthen Joseph. That instead of being damaged by hope deferred, that God will do something in his heart and empower him and give him joy and peace that passes understanding.

Right now, there is hope that we will bring him home eventually, but regardless, Joseph will always be our boy. If he lives in Uganda or with us, we have adopted him and are committed to him for the rest of our lives. Brenda is a part of our family from afar as well. We love her and want her to feel that love. Elizabeth from Kenya is also a spiritual daughter and we have gained family through these trips.

I have been reminded so strongly that Jesus is our Savior and God is the Father to the fatherless. As much as I want to “save” these loved ones in Uganda from their pain - He is making it very clear to me that this is not my job. My job is to love, to be obedient and faithful. I to trust Him that He can comfort Joseph and Brenda and give them grace and joy. We are looking at the future with uncertainty again. We thought we were done with this roller coaster ride and were bringing our boy home, but it has been extended. We are trusting God and holding it with an open hand.

Thank you for making it through this entire post and for continuing to pray for us, for Joseph and for our situation. We know that God has a plan and we trust Him.

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Almost There!

Nov 21, 2109

As I write this Silas and I are on the plane on our way to Uganda to pick up Joseph. I have felt both excitement and anxiety as we have prepared, packed and paperworked in anticipation of this trip. But in keeping with the "p" theme I have truly felt peace as we look forward to the end of the adoption proceedings and the beginning of a new family life.

This past year Todd and I have definitely had some ups and down emotionally. We have both taken turns in wondering if this is really what God wants at times, and being excited and thankful that He has chosen us. When God first talked to me about adoption I felt like I was the one counting the cost and sobered and Todd was the one who was naturally emotionally excited and ready. Earlier this year, Todd was the one who had some hesitations, doubts and questions for God and it was his turn to count the cost while I felt certain and sure. Between the setbacks in the adoption, the travel and all the drama it entailed, we felt like we were on an emotional roller coaster.

What I am so thankful for now, is the peace that both Todd and I feel about what is ahead. God has brought us through hopes and doubts and questioning to a place of calm assurance that we are where He wants us to be and he is going to give us grace for what is ahead. Joseph is such a delightful person, with a huge smile, a clearly smart head and a body that needs medical care. We are excited about who he is, about his potential for learning and growing in health and education. We love his infectious laughter and we know that our love will only grow deeper. Our kids are so excited to know and love him too.

We are also happy about our family being complete. For the last 16 years or so I have been pregnant, nursing or expecting another, and then finally experiencing the process of adopting Joseph. Todd and I have been talking about how having our family complete is something that we are really looking forward to. Like a deep exhale at the end of a long uphill climb. We know that it isn't going to be all smooth sailing but we are looking forward to just "being" as a family. Just living instead of working toward something. I am thankful for our 7 kids including Nathan in heaven and am looking forward to just enjoying them for the few short years we have left before Maggie leaves the house. (When she's 30 right? I want to keep her as long as I can!)

Last Saturday we enjoyed the cumulation of months of planning and preparation for a fundraising dinner for Home of Hope. We have had several fundraisers over the past two and a half years, but because of what is ahead I felt like this one had so much significance and meaning for me. Todd and the other members of the board worked hard. Each one shared different aspects of Home of Hope, the work Edith has done, and the work for which each member of the board is responsible. When Todd shared about the difficulties that children with disabilities in Uganda experience and the hope that Home of Hope and God has brought to these children, along with the anticipation of bringing Joseph home, I don't think there was a dry eye in the room, including my own.

It felt like a beautiful mountaintop experience after 2 1/2 years of a lot of hard things. I know that like God promised Todd and I at our wedding, that there will be mountains and valleys in our journey ahead with Joseph. I know that there will be more hard things and more mountaintop experiences. We are at the end of a journey and the beginning of a new one and we know that God will be there and look forward to all He has for our family.

Just adding a little post-script. I didn't know there was such a thing as national adoption day until today. But guess what day it is? The day we arrived in Uganda to pick up Joseph. God continues to infuse Joseph story with meaning....