Adoption Story Part IIThe first week in November was a bit rough. For some reason I was just feeling more overwhelmed and anxious than normal - about the kids about the house and about life. I felt like I was just not getting caught up and I was so worried about it that I was having trouble sleeping. When I woke up on November 2nd, I hadn't fallen asleep before 2:00am for the past two nights and life seemed out of control. I have struggled with insomnia in the past but it is uncharacteristic of me now. So that Wednesday morning I was exhausted and still felt a bit overwhelmed.
Todd too, was feeling it. As most of you know, he is pretty amazing at all the things he does. He home schools all of our kids and even though he has help from me, the grandparents and our wonderful tutor, he oversees it all and still does quite a bit of teaching. He takes care of all the yard work, several rentals, is on the board of our co-op, teaches a unit at our co-op every year and works full time as a paramedic. He is very involved in our home life. We love that his job affords him having to work two or three 24hr days a week, giving him more time at home, but nevertheless we have conversations where tells me he sometimes feels like he is barely holding on. After a day when the kids are particularly cranky or life is just crazy, he often sings to me with smirk, "it's the most wonderful time, of the year". At least he keeps his sense of humor.
We had a meeting with Vivien's therapists that week. She has a lot of therapy and doctor appointments and this time several met at once to discuss her yearly progress. It was a great meeting with the therapists oohing and aahhig over her and talking about all the great progress she has been making. These are people who are passionate about what they do, who love the kids they work with, are incredibly smart and gifted and are what I'd call "naturals" in the special needs world. Maggie recently said about Vivien's physical therapist Mollie, "I feel like she's our friend, not only a therapist."
Afterwards Todd and I were in the kitchen talking and getting the kids lunch. Todd remarked about what a great meeting it was and how thankful he was for the support we receive for Vivien and how much they care about her. He was overflowing with gratefulness. He looked at me and said rather hesitantly, "I know that you would never go for this..... but sometimes, with all the good support we receive for Vivien, her therapists, our great insurance and with our proximity to Children's Hospital and all of the wonderful care we have received there - it just makes me wish we could adopt a child with special needs from another country, who would otherwise not thrive. We have all of these resources and are so blessed. I would love to adopt."
I looked at him sideways rather incredulously, then grinned. I said, "Let's do it."
He stopped and looked at me. I said again, "I think we should do it. I have been praying about this and God has already talked to me about it. I've been asking God to show you if we are supposed to do it." He said incredulously, "I have been thinking about this for a while, but you've always said you're not a special needs mama. You haven't had a heart to adopt special needs kids."
I then proceeded to tell him all that God had been doing in my heart over the last few weeks. It turned out that he has been thinking about this and wishing for it for a while. He just thought that I would never go for it. He knows it's not "me".
Yes it's not me, yet God has a way of taking our weakness and saying "this is where I want to show my power in you." He takes the areas that we are weak in and makes us strong. 2 Cor 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me." Because I am so lacking in this area (and I know it), I have to rely on His strength. And he makes me strong for what I do with Viv. He not only makes me strong but he has given me genuine, emotional joy in it (as I've written here and here). Even when I feel inadequate. Todd and I were both amazed and excited as we spoke about what God was doing. He was so surprised to hear what God had spoken to me.
As the day went on, I decided to look up what I had written in my journal. It took a bit to find it, but in May of 2013 I'd written all about the experience I'd had when God talked to me to me about adopting. At the end I wrote to God. "If You want us to adopt...I’m willing. The miracle would be You speaking to Todd and him speaking to me about it. Afterwards I wondered if I really heard from You, and thought I was silly....but I felt a peace about it because if You want it to happen, You will speak to Todd and I can just wait for now. Maybe two or three years from now." It struck me that I'd written "the miracle would be You speaking to Todd and him speaking to me" and that was exactly what had happened. Secondly I'd written "maybe two or three years from now." And it has been about 3 1/2 years.
As I said before, at the time I had no idea why God put this into my heart. I wasn't particularly looking for adoption and I was just thinking about a typical child, not a child with special needs. But God knew what was coming. God knew who was coming in Vivien and he was preparing me ahead of time even though I didn't know it.
I read it to Todd, marveling at what God had done. Then an hour or so later, Todd called me into the office. "You have to see this." He opened his laptop. He and a friend had been studying Galatians and he was reading through Galatians 4. That morning he thought since he was studying it, he should look up a John Piper sermon on Galatians 4. He loves Piper and always learns from him. This was the sermon and it's 8 points....
Adoption; The Heart of the Gospel
1. Adoption was (for God) and is (for us) costly.
2. Adoption did (for God) and does (for us) involve the legal status of the child.
3. Adoption was blessed and is blessed with God’s pouring out a Spirit of sonship.
4. Adoption was (for God) and is (for us) marked by moral transformation through the Spirit.
5. Adoption brought us, and brings our children, the rights of being heirs of the Father.
6. Adoption was (for God) and is (for us) seriously planned.
7. Adoption was (for God) and often is now (for us) from very bad situations.
8. Adoption meant (for all Christans) and means (for Christian parents) that we suffer now and experience glory later.
We both sort of threw our hands up in the air. God couldn't have been making things more clear to us. We spent quite a bit of time discussing and thinking. We knew for sure that we wanted a boy. Silas has wanted a brother for a long time. We weren't sure specifically about the kind of special needs that our boy would have. We wanted to be open to any boy God has for us, regardless of his needs. We didn't want to decide completely ahead of time that we would rule anything out. We know we want God to lead us to the boy He has for us and He has proven, clearly, that He can do this.
And as I said at the beginning, we woke up the next morning praying for 6 children instead of 5.
But God speaking to us and to my heart to do something doesn't always mean immediate joy and fulfillment in what He is calling us to. For the next few days or so I struggled emotionally pretty thoroughly, as I processed the implications of what this could mean. In fact, I almost felt depressed. It was such an odd mixture of , anxious thoughts, and a heaviness in thinking about what this could entail while at the same time great peace and excitement in knowing that God had spoken.
I recognize that we do have an enemy of our souls and when God calls us to something and asks us to obey, our enemy, doesn't want us to obey. I believe in God and I also believe that there are is a physical real devil who wants to lie to us about God's plan and His goodness. There is such a thing as spiritual warfare and I realized why I'd felt so overwhelmed and anxious and lost sleep for those two days beforehand. I also knew that I was under some attack afterwards emotionally. Those few days after we decided to obey were difficult to say the least. It seemed like the kids were more out of control, there were more messes made, things broken and chaos than is typical around our house. I felt like I wasn't parenting well and was exhausted and overworked. This, coupled with some anxious thoughts about what this decision would practically look like gave me pause.
To be continued.... (Part III) (Part IV)
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