Fairy Tales, Foolishness and a Sweet 2x4 – May 4

In the week following the diagnosis, we grieved, but also wanted to keep life fairly normal. Friday night I had promised to take Maggie, Lucie and a friend to see “Anne of Green Gables” the musical at a local church. My girls loved it, but it just felt strange to me. I knew several in the play, and I was sitting there watching it as if life was normal. But it wasn’t. It wasn’t normal and it wasn’t what I wanted it to be. It had changed so drastically in just a few days.

I felt like I’d had highs and lows. I had definite lows from news, but highs because I wasn’t crying my eyes out. Just the fact that I was doing ok, able to smile and attend the play and then go the next day to a baby shower, converse and smile and joke like a normal human being with friends about things other than my baby felt odd, but also like God’s grace. It was a high just to be able to do this without breaking down and I know that He was helping me.

Sunday however, was a low day for both Todd and me. Breaking the news to those we knew at church, explaining what T-18 meant and the outcome was difficult. So many lovingly cried with us and showed their concern and support, which caused us to cry. It was good to share, but still a very difficult day and after church, both Todd and I were feeling pretty low and very tired.

That afternoon, when Iva went down for her nap and the kids went outside, I sat down at the computer, telling myself that I should be journaling or maybe drafting the letter that we were going to send out to tell family and friends about Vivien, whom we couldn’t tell in person. But I was so tired I just wanted to watch a movie and a little guiltily turned on “Penelope” which I’d started earlier.

It’s funny how the Holy Spirit can use just about anything to speak to us. I wasn’t even looking for it, but as I started watching I began to wonder if it wasn’t an accident that I was watching this movie now. I don’t recommend very many movies and I’m not saying that this one was perfect, but Jesus definitely used it to speak to me. It’s a modern fairy tale of sorts; about an old blueblood family who has a curse that the next girl baby born will have a pig’s nose. The way for the curse to be broken is for her to be “loved by one of her own kind”. Yes, stellar plot line I know, but honestly, it’s a pretty cute movie despite the foolish sounding ridiculousness of the story.

When Penelope is born with a pig nose her mother absolutely freaks out. As she grows up, her mother keeps her hidden from the public out of fear of how others will see her daughter and tries to control everything in her life. When she reaches the age of marrying, her mother sets out to find another blue-blood suitor “of her own kind” to break the curse but every suitor who comes and sees Penelope ends up running away screaming and has to sign a non-disclosure form….

Penelope

I will spare you a more detailed plot, but as the movie went on, I couldn’t help thinking about my daughter who – if she lives – will be different. She will be sweet and wonderful but she will be different from other children she will look different and think different. In the end, Penelope gets frustrated with hiding from the world, declares her independence and eventually asks her mother to stop trying to control everything. (Plot spoiler here -) She finally declares, “I like myself the way I am,” and the curse is broken and her nose returns to normal. Her mother realizes that she could have loved her daughter well and broken the curse herself if she had not been so controlling and scared. She thought she was doing what was best, but it wasn’t.

As I watched I thought about our own little girl. I want to love her as Jesus has made her no matter what. I don’t want to foolishly try to control everything in my own strength, but I want to let the Holy Spirit lead me. I don’t want to be scared of what others’ perceptions are, or let my fears be my guide.

But there was one line where I felt like the Holy Spirit hit me upside the head with a sweet 2x4. Maybe that’s not the best way to say it, but it was a revelation from Him. Penelope and the man who truly loved her were sitting on a hillside and they had just finished telling some children the story of the nose and the curse and the result. One kid pipes up, “So what does it mean?” There are a couple of humorous (wrong) guesses given– “mothers are always wrong” and “rich people are stupid” but then a thoughtful little man says, “It’s not the power of the curse, it’s the power you give the curse.”

When he said those words, I burst into tears. Big fat sobbing tears. But happy tears because Jesus had spoken to me. Our little girl has T-18 because of the result of the curse - it’s true. Sin brought sickness into the world. God created us perfectly, but our sin has brought a curse. But because of Jesus – that curse is BROKEN. It has no power. We don’t need to give power to the curse of sin and sickness because of His REDEMPTION. At that moment the Holy Spirit didn’t necessarily give me a promise that Vivien would be completely physically healed, (although we are praying for this) but He did tell me to stop giving power to that curse. One day, Vivien will be completely healed. Maybe or maybe not in this world, but certainly in the next. I felt like He spoke to me to stop grieving and to start celebrating the life that is growing inside me. To not worry about how she looks, or her sickness or how she will be different, or her possible death but instead to celebrate her and celebrate redemption. I don’t need to give power to the curse. It really was then that God spoke to me to celebrate her life instead of mourning over her disease and possible death. We can take joy in every moment we have with her and we don’t have to live in despair.

Todd came up the stairs when he heard my sobs and looked at the screen (which had a little dwarf man on a lake in a rowboat – another part of the plot) and then looked back at me, very puzzled. Yes, God uses the “foolish things” to confound the wise. I could only blubber “God spoke to me” at first. They were truly happy tears. I didn’t feel like He was saying that I couldn’t or wouldn’t ever have times of mourning or grief. But I knew then and there that grief was not going to be our focus anymore. We were not going to give the curse any more power. We were going to celebrate her LIFE.

When I spoke these words to Todd and told him what I felt God was saying, he agreed. In fact, He felt like God had been speaking those same things to him, especially in the area of celebrating her life instead of looking at the situation in heaviness. The more we talked about it, the more joy we truly did feel in looking at her life this way. So much so that over the next few days as we talked about names, we made the decision to name her Vivien Grace. Vivien means ALIVE or LIFE! Grace is what Jesus has shown us in abundance and will continue to show us we know.

I love how the Holy Spirit doesn’t just speak to us, but he also confirms things through the greater family we have of community. One of my dearest friends from our community group texted me soon after this that she had something that she wanted to talk with me about. We tried to get together and it didn’t work out, but ended up talking on the phone later that week. She was so sweet. She hemmed and hawed a little bit and told me that she felt a little odd about saying this to us, but she felt like the Holy Spirit had asked her to tell us to not look at what was happening with sorrow, but instead to celebrate the life of our little girl. She said that it was hard to say because she felt like it would be insensitive, especially when she knew we had been grieving and struggling but she really believed the Holy Spirit wanted her to say it. I loved her courage in speaking what God asked her to speak, in a gentle loving way, despite the fact that it may not have seemed the most sensitive thing for her to say or do. Yet it was exactly what we needed to hear and what He had already spoken! It was a beautiful confirmation that we are to focus on redemption rather than the curse and joy rather than grief. Again this doesn’t mean that we can’t or won’t grieve at times (maybe some more than others) but grief is not the end and not the entire focus.

Don’t you love God’s command to “rejoice in all things” is not just a burden that He puts on our back? He doesn’t say, “I’m going to give you this hard thing – and you’d better have a good attitude about it…” Instead it is because He truly wants us to be filled with joy. He actually desires our happiness. I will be the first to say that this doesn’t automatically mean that we are taking things lightly or make everything suddenly rosy circumstantially. But joy is within our grasp, despite our circumstances. And I love Him for it.

Up Next… Growing Some Love