(Preface: I know this is a long post but bear with me. Quite a bit of it is Scripture and because of that, it has lengthened the post. But His Word is so GOOD that you have to read it. Yes, I understand that the context of this was to Jerusalem and it's important not to read things into Scripture. But I know that the Holy Spirit was speaking to me as I read, and I love His Words.)
“Word of God Speak” is one of Silas’s favorite songs. He asks for it over and over. It is a beautiful song, and it is true that God’s Word is living, active and pertinent to what we are going through. I really experienced this truth in the week following finding out the news that our baby was indeed diagnosed Trisomy-18.
One thing that I was amazed at was the ability to go on with life, to do normal things, to smile and even laugh at times. Going from how I felt a couple of weeks ago, when I literally had no idea how I was going to make it emotionally with the fear, anxiety and grief I was struggling with – to being able to function normally, and even rejoice in things – truly felt like a miracle from God. I had cried out to Jesus for help and He proved to be the comforter His Word says He is. This, in addition to the outpouring of support from friends and family was wonderful. Though we weren’t ready to put it on Facebook yet, we were willing to be honest with our close friends about what we were going through.
Both Todd and I were feeling like our marriage was stronger, like we were closer to one another and very comforted by each other. I felt like Todd had been especially gentle and that I had drawn a lot of comfort from him. But one morning woke up with the realization that I was really putting a whole lot of emphasis on the comfort that I was receiving from Todd. While there is nothing wrong with this and I am so grateful for loving husband, I felt like God whispered to me, “I want to be your Source of comfort.” I felt like He was reminding me that He is the one I need to run to, even more than my husband.
I was reading my Bible through, a bit each day, and though Todd had gotten some beautiful Scripture, there wasn’t anything that had stood out to me up to this point. But when Jesus spoke to me that morning, I went to my phone (yes…I read my Bible on my phone) with different eyes. I basically said to Jesus, “You say you want to comfort me. Ok – I’m ready and I’m asking for it.” It a tiny bit of a challenge to Him as well as an open heart to what He had to say through His word that morning. I was asking Him to speak to me, not just going through the motions of reading.
I happened to be reading in Isaiah and He blew me away. The first thing I read was this:
Is 44:1-8, But now hear, O Jacob my servant,
Israel whom I have chosen!
2 Thus says the Lord who made you,
who formed you from the womb and will help you:
Fear not, O Jacob my servant,
Jeshurun whom I have chosen.
3 For I will pour water on the thirsty land,
and streams on the dry ground;
I will pour my Spirit upon your offspring,
and my blessing on your descendants.
4 They shall spring up among the grass
like willows by flowing streams.
5 This one will say, ‘I am the Lord's’,
another will call on the name of Jacob,
and another will write on his hand, ‘The Lord's’,
and name himself by the name of Israel.” Thus says the Lord, the King of Israel
and his Redeemer, the Lord of hosts:
“I am the first and I am the last;
besides me there is no god.
7 Who is like me? Let him proclaim it.[a]
Let him declare and set it before me,
since I appointed an ancient people.
Let them declare what is to come, and what will happen.
8 Fear not, nor be afraid;
have I not told you from of old and declared it?
And you are my witnesses!
Is there a God besides me?
There is no Rock; I know not any.”
And then again verse 24 –
Thus says the Lord, your Redeemer,
who formed you from the womb
“I am the Lord, who made all things,
who alone stretched out the heavens,
who spread out the earth by myself
I loved that the first thing I read had to do with God, forming us in the womb. I felt like He was speaking to me that He “formed” her and that this is not a mistake. I love how He spoke that he will “pour water on a thirsty land”. When Todd and I married, God spoke to us through the analogy of entering the land of marriage. We saw our marriage and family as His. He was doing it again. I loved how He spoke about our children being “the Lord’s” and saying they are “HIS”! The most important thing to me for my children is that they are His. More important than their health, more important than whether Vivien has t-18. Vivien is His girl. I love how he spoke not to “be afraid” and then ended with truth about His character and his strength and his faithfulness.
The next verses that stood out to me were these:
Is 45:9-13, 25 - Woe to him who strives with him who formed him,
a pot among earthen pots!
Does the clay say to him who forms it, ‘What are you making?’
or ‘Your work has no handles’?
10 Woe to him who says to a father, ‘What are you begetting?’
or to a woman, ‘With what are you in labour?’”
11 Thus says the Lord,
the Holy One of Israel, and the one who formed him:
“Ask me of things to come;
will you command me concerning my children and the work of my hands?[b]
12 I made the earth
and created man on it;
it was my hands that stretched out the heavens,
and I commanded all their host.
13 I have stirred him up in righteousness,
and I will make all his ways level;
he shall build my city
and set my exiles free,
not for price or reward,”
says the Lord of hosts.
25 In the Lord all the offspring of Israel
shall be justified and shall glory.”
I felt like He was saying to me that I don’t need to look at Vivien and worry that she is different. I don’t need to say to Him, “What are you making? Or “She has no handles.” - She is not like other babies but who am I to say “what am I begetting or with what am I in labor?” He has formed her. She is HIS and is the “work of His hands”. He will give her joy and will set her “free”, however He chooses. She will be beautiful. She will be “justified” because she is His. How living and active and precise His Word is.
The next part was this:
Is 46:3-4 “Listen to me, O house of Jacob,
all the remnant of the house of Israel,
who have been borne by me from before your birth,
carried from the womb;
4 even to your old age I am he,
and to grey hairs I will carry you.
I have made, and I will bear;
I will carry and will save.
As I said before, the selfish part of me has struggled with the idea that I am going through this pregnancy, “carrying” Vivien in my womb and going through child “bearing” with the idea that she may not possibly live at the end or very long. I have asked Him – if this is true, why didn't You just take her sooner. But in reading this, I felt like He spoke to me that He is going to “carry” her with me. He made her and He will “bear” her with me and give me strength for labor and will “save”. This is not just my effort, but His and He will give me strength. I know without a shadow of a doubt that despite my emotions, it will be absolutely worth it, no matter how long she lives.
Next this stood out:
Is 48:5-7 I declared them to you from of old,
before they came to pass I announced them to you,
lest you should say, ‘My idol did them,
my carved image and my metal image commanded them.’
6 “You have heard; now see all this;
and will you not declare it?
From this time forth I announce to you new things,
hidden things that you have not known.
7 They are created now, not long ago;
before today you have never heard of them,
lest you should say, ‘Behold, I knew them.
When we were thinking about conceiving, I wanted another baby so badly. I loved my beautiful children and I’d look at them and wish for more. Vivien would not look like they would and she would not be like them. She was not what I was expecting. While I absolutely believe that it was God’s will for us to conceive Vivien, I could see how it would be easy for me to make an “idol” of my beautiful, healthy children. I felt like He was saying to me that He is doing a “new thing” in me. I’d “never heard” of t-18 before this. I know that I will learn to love with a capacity that I’ve never had before. I knew that He created her now for many purposes, including showing His power in me as I am incapable of loving like I should without His grace. I feel like He is already opening my heart to her, giving me love that I didn’t know that I had.
Lastly, the next day He also gave me this:
Is 66:8b-13 For as soon as Zion was in labour
she brought forth her children.
9 Shall I bring to the point of birth and not cause to bring forth?”
says the Lord;
“shall I, who cause to bring forth, shut the womb?”
says your God.
10 “Rejoice with Jerusalem, and be glad for her,
all you who love her;
rejoice with her in joy,
all you who mourn over her;
11 that you may nurse and be satisfied
from her consoling breast;
that you may drink deeply with delight
from her glorious abundance.”[a]
12 For thus says the Lord:
“Behold, I will extend peace to her like a river,
and the glory of the nations like an overflowing stream;
and you shall nurse, you shall be carried upon her hip,
and bounced upon her knees.
13 As one whom his mother comforts,
so I will comfort you;
you shall be comforted in Jerusalem.
How beautiful that Jesus is trustworthy for whatever is to come? As I struggle with anxiety about “labor” and about what He may “bring forth” from my womb, I can “rejoice” in Vivien. I can “be glad for her” life, however long it may be. It gives me hope in the possibility that she may even live longer to be nursed and “bounced on the knees”. Either way, she will be loved. Even though I have been “mourning over” her, I can still rejoice. I love how God says that he will “extend peace like a river” and that God “comforts us” and that we will be comforted. He has already shown this in our lives and I know that He will continue to do so.
We weren’t quite ready to share the news on Facebook yet, but my heart wanted to share what Jesus was speaking to me. In addition to this, I have had several friends and relatives lately (actually what seems like an unusually large amount) who have had babies miscarry, be stillborn or die as young children. I wanted others to hear God’s comfort. So I copied the last Scripture about comfort that Jesus gave me and tagged them with this post. “So thankful for Jesus's comfort. Thinking of LIFE and babies alive on earth and those in heaven. Thinking of my own baby who is alive now, and several friends whose babies or young children have passed away recently. So glad for Jesus's comfort and the truth that babies are ALIVE in Him because He opened Heaven for us.”
We continue to receive life from Jesus and His Word that is so incredibly pertinent to what we are going through. It is truly LIVING and active.
Next…. “Fairy Tales, Foolishness and a Sweet 2x4” – May 4
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