Worries and Faith - Adoption Saga Part III

Part III of our Adoption story.  Part one can be found here and part two here.

First of all, I am not one to have unrealistic expectations. I knew many people who have adopted special needs kids with hope and joy at the beginning and sometimes find the load to be extremely hard.

I also knew many whose stories were amazing and beautiful.  My sister was adopted.  Growing up, I just thought of her as my sister and when friends would find out she was adopted and ask me about it, it was more like an afterthought.  Oh yeah.  I never thought of her as my "adopted sister" just my sister.   It felt so natural and normal, that I'd forget to mention it.  Growing up I know that I had an "annoying little sister" mindset about her that I regret now.  Though I wish I had treated her better when I was younger, we have a good relationship today and even though she went through a difficult period in her late teens and early twenties that was hard on her and hard on my mom, they have an amazing relationship.  My sister is grateful for my mom and my mom loves her deeply.  We get together often on holidays and she and I chat on the phone or text.  There is no one I'd rather shop with.  That's what sisters are for right?  I love her and her beautiful family and they live nearby.

So though I knew that there are both happy and difficult adoption stories,  I kept thinking of adoption horror stories I'd heard or read about.... - remembering a story in Readers Digest of an adopted child who got violent, or stories of kids from other countries who were trafficked and ended up having to leave the adopted family because their biological family didn't understand it was forever.  This was not a good place for my mind to go.

I also knew that if we did get a boy who is a little older (even somewhere between 3-8 for instance) that there could be some behavioral issues simply because of what he may have gone through. Often times the reason adoption is needed, is because of the extremely difficult circumstances behind the child's life and with special needs children from a third world country, it could be even more so. The workload of physically caring for a child could also be small in comparison to the behavioral, emotional and spiritual needs a child could face if he has been mistreated or even just institutionalized.  My heart goes out to those children who have faced abuse or neglect

I knew that I wanted to go into this completely committed to the welfare of our boy, as well as to our biological children and willing to make whatever sacrifices necessary to do so. I didn't want to do this halfway.

However, over and over the Holy Spirit kept speaking the truth to me about Vivien. He reminded me what it was like when we first got Vivien's diagnosis at 20 weeks. I was so depressed, distraught and truly devastated at the thought of having a child with special needs. I was scared. I didn't want her to die, while at the same time, I feared how my life would change if she lived. Would we be in constant fear and worry for her health and that she was going to die? Would she require so much work that I wouldn't have any freedom? I pictured myself as a drudge at home, continually caring for her medical needs, without a life of my own. I felt selfish even in thinking this, but knew that there is often a great workload. I wondered if we'd be able to go on vacation ever again. I just thought that if she lived, my life would end as I knew it.

 Being on this side, it is almost laughable how worried I was, even though my pain felt real at the time.  Especially right after she was born, our life was pretty crazy.  But I love my life with Vivien. Truly she is not burdensome. I love her so dearly and she is such a wonderful content little person. She fits beautifully into our family. Caring for her now feels natural, easy and normal. Just a part of our everyday life like caring for any other of our children.  It feels natural and normal, in the same way that life with my sister who was adopted felt so natural and normal growing up that I'd forget to mention it.  Both with adoption and with caring for a child with special needs there are challenges.  But there is also joy.

Of course the workload is time consuming and sometimes inconvenient - but that is true for our other kids as well.  All children, special needs or not, adopted or not, bring challenges. Even my fear of travel was unjustified as she has been to 6 different states/provinces with us. Truly, God has made the yoke "easy" and the burden "light." with Vivien. It doesn't mean that there aren't difficult times or that there won't be difficult times.  But He has given great grace. He kept reminding me how he has made life with Vivien beautiful and He will also do this with our boy. It doesn't mean that we might face different challenges than we've faced with Vivien, or that our life won't change or even be difficult at times. But it does mean that God can make it good and beautiful.

I wanted to believe the best about God's redemptive power in regard to the boy we adopt. I know that the very heart of the gospel is that He takes our brokenness and heals us - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually and in our behavior. He brings beauty and joy and hope. I wanted to believe the best about our boy and not expect that everything would be difficult.  I wanted to believe that God is good and powerful and that He can and will work in the lives of all of our children, including our boy to come. I absolutely believe in the regenerating power of Jesus and the gospel in every person's life.

I wrote this in my journal to God, "The furthest thing from my heart and head is to.... expect that something bad will happen, I so don't want to raise him up always feeling suspicious of him or feeling like he is different. Of course he will be different than all my kids - but all my kids are different with different personalities and issues. The last thing I want to do is go into this with a biased or suspecting heart toward a boy that will be my child and will hold my heart. I want to love him well and freely and expect the best and speak good things over him and believe good things of him, that he will be Your child all the days of his life and that all my kids will be YOURS heart and soul. 

I know that I will be stretched emotionally, (as I was stretched with Viv) in knowing how to...love him and...what that will look like and where the line is and what he will be able to handle.... I know that in some ways, because he will not have bonded with me as a baby there will be attachment issues and I will need to really listen to your Holy Spirit in what is best for his...heart. Lord, there are just so many unknowns. But... I feel a settled resolve and depth though and trusting in you. 

That morning I was reading about Abraham. Gen 17:9 And God said to Abraham, “As for you, you shall keep my covenant, you and your offspring after you throughout their generations." I want this for all my children including my boy. I wrote, " So Lord - prepare me and make me ready. Help me to trust You for what the future holds. I feel inadequate to love well and correctly and fully but I know that Your grace is there for me because You have ultimately called us to this so we can trust You in it. I keep going back to how I felt when Vivien was going to be born and how so many of my fears were unfounded and you have made this life with her so good.....   You will give the grace and joy and strength and love that I desperately need. So I thank You and I give this to You."

Just like my blogpost about "Growing some Love" for Vivien, Jesus is in the process of growing my love for our boy, who I haven't met yet.  Vivien has beautifully enhanced my life and made it richer and fuller.  Our boy will do the same.  When your family expands, your love grows.

The Sunday after we had made the decision to adopt, Todd was working 24 hrs so I had to get all the kids to church. When Todd is gone, this is at the best - a challenge - at the worst a nightmare sometimes.  By the time I settled into my seat that day with Viv I was feeling such struggle and warfare and doubt about our decision.  I was struggling with self doubt and feeling like a good mom in caring for the kids I had now.  How could I think about being able to care for another?  I was ready for God to speak to me.

It is funny. A theme of our marriage - and really our life - has been found in Deut 30 which speaks of "entering into the land" that God has put before us. The passage the pastor was in that morning was Deut 9, which also speaks of entering into the land that God has for us. This adoption will be an entering of new territory for us - one in which we need God's help. Pastor Jay Haugh was talking about the reliability of God. When he calls us to do something that may feel difficult - we can look at the past, and see His reliability - His goodness and faithfulness - and know that He will be with us for the future as well. Again, I sat back, amazed at God's perfect timing of this sermon for me. It was exactly what I needed.

Just as the Holy Spirit has been reminding me about His faithfulness and reliability with Viv, this sermon reminded me that He will be faithful in the future for our boy. My favorite quote from the sermon was this, "Our courageous obedience (for the future) is based on experiencing Jesus predictability." In obeying Jesus, we look not to our own strength but to His past faithfulness.

In Deut 9 (as well as Ezekiel 36:24-28, another important passage in my life) it talks about how this is not based on our righteousness. We don't "enter the land" because of our own strength or goodness. We aren't adopting a child because we are awesome or righteous or capable. We will adopt him even if we feel inadequate, knowing that it is His righteousness, not ours, His strength, not our own. Again - His strength is made perfect in our weakness.  We will pray that He will grow our love, grow our capacity and grow our joy.  He has done this before and He will do it again.That morning I knew I was weak. Yet that sermon gave me courage. God's timing is perfect.

The other incredible thing that God did that week was not only in our own lives but the lives of our children. We weren't the only ones who had to process this. And it has been a process....

To be continued....  (Part IV Here)

We're doing this! - Continuing our Adoption Saga Part II

Here is part two of our ongoing story of adoption. You can find part I Here  We also want to invite you to our home on Oct 22nd 2017 at 6:30 to hear more about Todd and Maggie's medical mission trip to Uganda. Here is the link to the invite.

Adoption Story Part II

The first week in November was a bit rough. For some reason I was just feeling more overwhelmed and anxious than normal - about the kids about the house and about life. I felt like I was just not getting caught up and I was so worried about it that I was having trouble sleeping. When I woke up on November 2nd, I hadn't fallen asleep before 2:00am for the past two nights and life seemed out of control. I have struggled with insomnia in the past but it is uncharacteristic of me now. So that Wednesday morning I was exhausted and still felt a bit overwhelmed.

Todd too, was feeling it. As most of you know, he is pretty amazing at all the things he does. He home schools all of our kids and even though he has help from me, the grandparents and our wonderful tutor, he oversees it all and still does quite a bit of teaching. He takes care of all the yard work, several rentals, is on the board of our co-op, teaches a unit at our co-op every year and works full time as a paramedic. He is very involved in our home life. We love that his job affords him having to work two or three 24hr days a week, giving him more time at home, but nevertheless we have conversations where tells me he sometimes feels like he is barely holding on. After a day when the kids are particularly cranky or life is just crazy, he often sings to me with smirk, "it's the most wonderful time, of the year". At least he keeps his sense of humor.

We had a meeting with Vivien's therapists that week. She has a lot of therapy and doctor appointments and this time several met at once to discuss her yearly progress. It was a great meeting with the therapists oohing and aahhig over her and talking about all the great progress she has been making. These are people who are passionate about what they do, who love the kids they work with, are incredibly smart and gifted and are what I'd call "naturals" in the special needs world. Maggie recently said about Vivien's physical therapist Mollie, "I feel like she's our friend, not only a therapist."

Afterwards Todd and I were in the kitchen talking and getting the kids lunch. Todd  remarked about what a great meeting it was and how thankful he was for the support we receive for Vivien and how much they care about her. He was overflowing with gratefulness. He looked at me and said rather hesitantly, "I know that you would never go for this..... but sometimes, with all the good support we receive for Vivien, her therapists, our great insurance and with our proximity to Children's Hospital and all of the wonderful care we have received there - it just makes me wish we could adopt a child with special needs from another country, who would otherwise not thrive. We have all of these resources and are so blessed. I would love to adopt."

I looked at him sideways rather incredulously, then grinned. I said, "Let's do it."

He stopped and looked at me. I said again, "I think we should do it. I have been praying about this and God has already talked to me about it. I've been asking God to show you if we are supposed to do it." He said incredulously, "I have been thinking about this for a while, but you've always said you're not a special needs mama. You haven't had a heart to adopt special needs kids."

I then proceeded to tell him all that God had been doing in my heart over the last few weeks. It turned out that he has been thinking about this and wishing for it for a while. He just thought that I would never go for it. He knows it's not "me".

Yes it's not me, yet God has a way of taking our weakness and saying "this is where I want to show my power in you." He takes the areas that we are weak in and makes us strong. 2 Cor 12:9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me."  Because I am so lacking in this area (and I know it), I have to rely on His strength. And he makes me strong for what I do with Viv. He not only makes me strong but he has given me  genuine, emotional joy in it (as I've written here and here). Even when I feel inadequate. Todd and I were both amazed and excited as we spoke about what God was doing. He was so surprised to hear what God had spoken to me.

As the day went on, I decided to look up what I had written in my journal. It took a bit to find it, but in May of 2013 I'd written all about the experience I'd had when God talked to me to me about adopting. At the end I wrote to God. "If You want us to adopt...I’m willing. The miracle would be You speaking to Todd and him speaking to me about it. Afterwards I wondered if I really heard from You, and thought I was silly....but I felt a peace about it because if You want it to happen, You will speak to Todd and I can just wait for now. Maybe two or three years from now." It struck me that I'd written "the miracle would be You speaking to Todd and him speaking to me" and that was exactly what had happened. Secondly I'd written "maybe two or three years from now." And it has been about 3 1/2 years.

As I said before, at the time I had no idea why God put this into my heart. I wasn't particularly looking for adoption and I was just thinking about a typical child, not a child with special needs. But God knew what was coming. God knew who was coming in Vivien and he was preparing me ahead of time even though I didn't know it.

I read it to Todd, marveling at what God had done. Then an hour or so later, Todd called me into the office. "You have to see this." He opened his laptop. He and a friend had been studying Galatians and he was reading through Galatians 4. That morning he thought since he was studying it, he should look up a John Piper sermon on Galatians 4. He loves Piper and always learns from him. This was the sermon and it's 8 points....

Adoption; The Heart of the Gospel
1. Adoption was (for God) and is (for us) costly.
2. Adoption did (for God) and does (for us) involve the legal status of the child.
3. Adoption was blessed and is blessed with God’s pouring out a Spirit of sonship.
4. Adoption was (for God) and is (for us) marked by moral transformation through the Spirit.
5. Adoption brought us, and brings our children, the rights of being heirs of the Father.
6. Adoption was (for God) and is (for us) seriously planned.
7. Adoption was (for God) and often is now (for us) from very bad situations.
8. Adoption meant (for all Christans) and means (for Christian parents) that we suffer now and experience glory later.

We both sort of threw our hands up in the air. God couldn't have been making things more clear to us. We spent quite a bit of time discussing and thinking. We knew for sure that we wanted a boy. Silas has wanted a brother for a long time. We weren't sure specifically about the kind of special needs that our boy would have. We wanted to be open to any boy God has for us, regardless of his needs. We didn't want to decide completely ahead of time that we would rule anything out. We know we want God to lead us to the boy He has for us and He has proven, clearly, that He can do this.

And as I said at the beginning, we woke up the next morning praying for 6 children instead of 5.

But God speaking to us and to my heart to do something doesn't always mean immediate joy and fulfillment in what He is calling us to. For the next few days or so I struggled emotionally pretty thoroughly, as I processed the implications of what this could mean. In fact, I almost felt depressed. It was such an odd mixture of , anxious thoughts, and a heaviness in thinking about what this could entail while at the same time great peace and excitement in knowing that God had spoken.

I recognize that we do have an enemy of our souls and when God calls us to something and asks us to obey, our enemy, doesn't want us to obey. I believe in God and I also believe that there are is a physical real devil who wants to lie to us about God's plan and His goodness. There is such a thing as spiritual warfare and I realized why I'd felt so overwhelmed and anxious and lost sleep for those two days beforehand. I also knew that I was under some attack afterwards emotionally. Those few days after we decided to obey were difficult to say the least. It seemed like the kids were more out of control, there were more messes made, things broken and chaos than is typical around our house. I felt like I wasn't parenting well and was exhausted and overworked. This, coupled with some anxious thoughts about what this decision would practically look like gave me pause.

To be continued....  (Part III)  (Part IV)

Vivien is Going to Be a Little (or big) Sister! - Adoption Saga Part I

As many of you know, Todd and Maggie recently took an incredible medical missions trip to Uganda. So many of you have supported them with prayer, finances and encouragement. Todd will hopefully be blogging soon about that trip. What we have told friends and family, but haven't shared online until now is that we are in the process making Vivien a little (or big) sister again in a truly surprising and miraculous story of adoption. We know what you're thinking. "They already have their hands more-than-full. The Merry's have officially gone off the deep end."

That was similar to our reaction when God talked with Todd and I (separately) about this. Neither one of us thought the other would go for it and we both wondered if we were crazy. But as you shall see as you read, we surprised each other, just as God surprised us! It's quite the story...

Joseph

We have completed our home study and are working with an adoption agency. Todd and Maggie were able to meet little Joseph while they were on their medical mission trip. We will be adopting him, Lord willing, from Home of Hope.  Todd and Maggie were thrilled (and emotional) when they met him and we are hopeful that he will join our family soon. Ugandan adoptions can be complicated and uncertain but as you will see, God has made it clear to us to begin this process and we are trusting that He see it through. We've heard Him speak in surprising ways and we are excited for what He is going to do.

In other news, Vivien began school this month and has been doing amazing. We love her teachers and it has been a wonderful experience for her and for us.  We are really grateful for the therapies she gets at school and for her committed, dedicated teachers.

Teacher Molly

Teacher Sharmy

Maggie and Isaac and Rachel's boys
Ezra and Aaron on either side of Joseph
Cousins-to-be.

Our relatives, Dan, Susie, Rachel,
Issaac  and boys

The reason we wrote that Vivien will be a big (or little) sister is because we are not quite sure of Joseph's age. Joseph has cerebral palsy and in Uganda, disabled children are often looked on as curses. They are also difficult to care for and Joseph was found, on the grounds of Home of Hope wrapped in a banana leaf when he was around age one. Even parents who may love their children might not believe they have the ability or resources to care for them. Joseph is most likely around 3 or 4 now.

Edith, Todd, Joseph and Maggie
Outside of Home of Hope

So we invite you to come with us on our journey as we be blog about the past, the present and the future.


The story of Joseph - Part I

by Molly

I keep a prayer list. There are a lot of names on my list, but foremost I pray for each one of my kids. I have a few paragraphs that are specific to the strengths, weakness and needs of each child and then I have words I pray and think on for all of them. On November 2nd of 2016 I had 5 children on my prayer list. On November 3rd I woke up praying for 6 kids. God kind of blew our minds on November 2nd. But in order to tell you about November 2nd, I need to back up a bit. Three years in fact.

In early September 2016 we had a play date with a friend of mine. She has four boys and we'd been meaning to get together for a while and were finally doing it. Silas is always super eager to have boys over as the estrogen can be a little thick at our house. As the kids played happily in the backyard Sanae shared a story with me that really affected me. Both of us were crying by the time she was done. She'd had a rough patch with homeschooling her four energetic boys. She'd been sick for several weeks, and felt woefully behind, frustrated and she felt like she would never catch up. As she was praying about it, she felt like God spoke to her and asked her why she homeschooled. What was her purpose? She knew it wasn't just about academics, getting into good universities or having amazing careers. After thinking it through she gave Him what she felt like was the bottom line. " What I want for them is to love You and serve You.... I want them to have the kind of faith that would make them drop everything in life to obey you when you call." She felt like He spoke back to her, “Very good! Now, YOU live like that.” That was the end of the conversation.... for a time.

Soon after that she attended a funeral of some good friends of hers, the Joss family. Their family had adopted quite a few children with special needs from other countries. Recently they had adopted a little girl who passed away 4 days after she arrived. She had been sick with a cold but still very active. The doctor had been called and while advice was given, there was nothing terribly alarming enough to bring her in. She didn't even have a fever but passed away very suddenly and tragically from what was determined later to be pneumonia.

At the service, the father of this family was talking about children who have special needs all over the world, waiting to be adopted. As he was talking Sanae felt the Lord whispering to her, what she called the "A-word". She felt like He was speaking to her heart about adoption. She was totally opposed to the idea, reminding God that they had a small house, small means, and that she was already overwhelmed with homeschooling their boys. How could He ask her to do something like this? Yet He kept speaking to her heart so she told Him that she would obey, but she needed Him to change her heart and help her to be willing. To her surprise He did. He actually made her excited about the idea. She prayed about it before telling her husband but when she did and he prayed about it as well, God made it clear. They were at that time in the process now of adopting a baby girl with Downs-Syndrome from China.  As I write this post today (in 2017) they just brought their sweet and adorable little girl home a few days ago!

As Sanae shared her story with me, at the same time, I felt God speaking to my heart as well. And He reminded me of something that had happened three year earlier. Something I'd written in my journal and completely forgotten about.

As you may know from what I wrote in my book, when we had four kids and were praying about a 5th, Todd and I were not seeing eye to eye for a time. He felt done and I felt like we were supposed to have another. I remember specifically jogging, near my Mom's house while she watched the kids. I was listening (as usual) to Lisa Bevere and she was telling the story of when God spoke to her to have more children. As I was listening I felt like God said clearly to me, "You are going to have another baby and then you are going to adopt another one." I thought that was the strangest thing ever. It seemed like a completely random thought and I wondered if it was just my own thoughts or truly from God.

I had been feeling for a while like we were going to have another child, and I was trusting God with this and praying that He would change Todd's heart in His timing. But I had no idea why He would say adopt. In my mind, if we wanted another child, why would I not just have another child? Why would we adopt? And how in the world would I ever convince Todd we were supposed to adopt when he wasn't even ready to have another one of our own?" At the time I took the assurance about another child from God, and I wrote in my journal what He had said about adoption. I didn't feel like He was asking me to do anything about it. I just felt like He was telling me it as a fact that was going to happen. So I just wrote it down and literally forgot about it. I didn't even tell Todd. I basically told God at the time - "if You want this to happen and if this is you and not just a random thought of mine, You have to be the one to tell Todd. I'm still working on the next baby. If adoption is supposed to happen, You have to tell him."

As you know if you've read the story in my book, He made it clear to Todd and I through a series of events that we were supposed to have a 5th baby who turned out to be Vivien.  God worked so beautifully in both of our hearts about that decision. But as Sanae was speaking He reminded me of what He'd told me about adoption. Suddenly it all began to make sense. He wanted us to adopt a special needs child. My heart would never have been open to adopting a child with special needs before Vivien came along.

I have always said, "I'm not a special needs mama." It is not me. I am Vivien's mama, because she is MINE and I love her and though our journey with her has been difficult at times, in other ways, it has turned out surprisingly natural and easy and good. I know that is because of God's grace though, not because of me. There are people who are truly "naturals" at taking care of babies and kids with special needs. With his medical background and passion for meeting people's practical needs and doing it well, Todd is one of those "naturals." These are people who have hearts for it and who find deep fulfillment in working in the arena of special needs. Being Viv's mama, I have met a lot of people - both moms and professionals alike who are "naturals" and gifted and drawn in that way. I know that I am not one. He has given much grace with Vivien. And yet.....

I knew in my heart as Sanae was speaking that God was asking us to adopt a special needs child. I knew that was why I was crying as she told me about it. I knew that that is why He put this word about adoption into my heart three years ago and I knew that it was supposed to happen as she spoke to me that day in September. I would have not been open three years ago to a special needs child adoption, but as I was sitting there, I felt like He was reminding me, "Sanae is saying yes to me and her house is smaller than yours, her means are less, and you have lots of help with homeschooling. And you have experience with a special needs child." Sanae was a beautiful example of trusting Him and He was taking away all my excuses.

At the same time, I remembered what I'd said to Him before. I basically told Him again, "The deal is still the same. You have to tell Todd." After Sanae left, I mentioned to Todd how much her visit affected me and I told him some of their story. I didn't tell him about what God had said to me, but I kept saying that we had to have them over and let them tell their story to him.  I was meaning to do it too, but life gets busy and so I just kept it in my heart and prayed about it.

To be continued.....  (Part II Here)    (Part III Here)  (Part IV Here)