Private Grief, Public Joy and Authenticity

I started writing a Facebook post but it got too long and turned into a blog post in my head. This isn't an update and it has a more philosophical bent. I'm going to be a little vulnerable here and talk about some of the things that have been going on in my head and heart. 

We've been sharing a lot about the exciting parts of our adoption and all that God is doing. I know we've written about the good and positive experiences we've had. And all of those things are true and real. But don't want to oversimplify, glamorize or be inauthentic with my life. I want to be honest about both the good and the difficult. There has been a bit of sorrow too. When I came home from my last trip I had a couple of days of difficult, private grief. I was struggling with feeling hopeful about what the future held and feeling very low. We have had a great summer of doing fun things with my kids, enjoying family time and getting to travel. But I have had some grief and fear about what is coming. Not about Joseph himself. Not about who he is. I love Joseph. But about the changes that caring for him will bring.

The good news is that what I am going through is reminding me so much of some of the apprehensions I've had before Vivien was born. It's good news, because God has given us so much grace and joy and contentment with Vivien despite her special needs. The relationship we have with her is beautiful and a blessing and worth the inconveniences that sometimes come along with caring for her.

I am genuinely excited to being Joseph home. He is such a delightful person, his smile is infectious and I know and believe that we are not just going to bless him - he is going to bless us. I am also super excited about the potential he has for growth - both mentally and physically. While Vivien is much stronger than he is physically and can do more than he can, he is much more mentally sharp and I believe that because of this, there are things that he will be able to learn that Vivien will probably not be able to. It will be exciting to see what improvements can be made in his health and what he will be able to learn.

But because of these physical limitations, as I've written about before, there is some apprehension and even grief in my heart about how our life is going to change when Joseph comes. And it's been a struggle at times to emotionally prepare myself for how drastic this change will be for a time.

It is not that I am having doubts about our decision. I am absolutely confident this is God's plan. I am truly excited and believe that God is going to give us a joy filled beautiful life with Joseph. But I do know that after Vivien was born, the first year I basically had no life outside of trying to keep her small little self alive. My friendships were limited, my ministry work (outside of my family) was limited, my freedom to do just about anything was severely limited because of all of the needs she had.

After spending time with Joseph over these last couple of years, we are excited about who he is as a person and also the long term improvements that can be made in his health. At the same time, I know that the first year and possibly more will be filled with a huge learning curve for him and for us. At this point he is not even strong enough to turn his head from side to side when he is lying down. He can't even lift his head. He can't stand or walk, and we have seen that even sitting strapped in for periods of time is exhausting for him. Not only that, but we know that he will need more nourishment. Feeding him takes about 45 minutes by the time we get him set up, feed him, and clean him up afterwards. Because of his need to be fattened up, when we were with him, my cousin and I were feeding him every couple hours. Just feeding him could be a full time job. Not counting all of the doctor's appointments and therapy sessions we will need. This is on top of caring for the rest of my family like we normally do sounds theoretically impossible. Todd has even said that he can't think too long or hard about the logistics of caring for him because it is too overwhelming. We are going to have to trust God with our time and our other kids for how our life is going to look for a couple of years.

The doctor in Uganda that examined Joseph said that he will need a g-tube as soon as possible. This requires surgery and follow up care at home. We know he will need a special chair to sit in and a wheelchair and other devices and these things will take time to process because of appointments , insurance and approval.

We know that eventually we will have systems in place for feeding him and transporting him and all that that entails. We also know that like Vivien, we will be getting some home help from the state eventually but going through the process of applying and getting approval could take a long time.

Thinking through some of these things gave me a couple of days of real emotional grief after I got back from being with Joseph the last time. And then I had to fight guilt for even feeling that grief. Todd has walked through some of these feeling as well. Things are going well with our family life right now, and we are looking at a major change - both for the good and the difficult.

One of the stories in the Bible that keeps coming to my mind is Luke 21:1-4. Rich people were putting their pieces of money in the treasury at church and feeling pretty good about their gifts. Then a poor widow came and literally put in all that she had left to give to God. Jesus pointed this out to his disciples and said, It says, " for they all out of their surplus put into the offering; but she out of her poverty put in all that she had to live on.”

Many of you have heard Edith's story (the lady who runs the home where Joseph is coming from), but for those of you who haven't, when God called Edith to take into her home some children who had special needs, she had almost nothing to give. She was caring for her own child who had special needs along with another lady. They had no money, and limited time. Her family had rejected her because of her child with special needs (in Uganda they think they are cursed) and God said, "I want you to take in 5 children." She was recovering from an accident and her body was tired. She was busy taking care of her own child and yet God said - make time for these. If you know the rest of Edith's story, you will find that it is one of the most inspiring things ever and to see what God did in her life, in her family's life, her kids and husband's life and in the lives of many children with special needs

But in thinking about Joseph God gently reminded me that I am struggling with a change in lifestyle - in my time and freedoms. But that is all it is. I'm not giving everything. I am giving out of my surplus. We have supportive family, good insurance and medical coverage, help from the state, help at school and therapies. Not just help with time but financial help as well. Edith was like the widow giving her two coins; giving everything. I am like the rich person who has so much and is willing to help another. But I'm not giving up everything. I have my family, my home, my health and so much richness both relationally and financially in comparison. I am limiting some of my freedoms to love and serve Joseph. Edith gave so much. And Christ gave it all. Can I give my little bit? I am confessing right now my own inadequacy.

In addition to this I don't have a full on relationship with Joseph yet. I have seen him and cared for him for a few days at a time. My love for him is there and it is growing, just like it has done with all of my children as I have gotten to know them. With our bio children, it came through pregnancy and birth and it has grown. With Joseph my love is there and it is growing and will grow as we bring him home. But one of the things God has reminded me of is that right now I am looking at some of the difficulties of caring for him, without having the tangible present relationship with him that I will have when he is home. There is benefit and reward and fulfillment in relationship that I am not experiencing with him at this moment and all I can see is the difficulty at times.

I am reminded of a dear friend of mine who had a baby girl with Trisomy 18. She went through a year of one of the most difficult seasons I have heard of with a child with T-18. Vivien had a lot of complications, but not as many or as difficult as what she and her family experienced with her sweet little girl. She went a year with pain and grief and almost no sleep, with very little hope of her daughter surviving at times. There were so many complications and it was a year full of trauma and pain for their family. Her dear baby girl went to be with Jesus after 1 year, 1 month and 1 day. And yet, at her funeral service my friend said that she would much rather be there in the pain and difficulty and loss of sleep and all that she went through - than without her. It was so worth all of the heartache because she loved her little girl so much and would wish her back with her if she could. It was worth all of it because of her relationship with her. God reminded me in thinking of this, that my relationship with Joseph is going to bring joy and it will be worth it, despite the difficulties that may come in caring for him.

Again - Joseph as a person is not a burden. He is a blessing and I believe this. I believe that my relationship and my life will be benefited by him. But the work required to care for him is going to be difficult. God reminds us that His yoke is easy and His burden is light. It's still a burden but it will not overwhelm us.

God, in his kindness did not ask us to adopt Joseph until after we'd experienced life with Vivien. So I keep looking backward at all that we have been through with Vivien, and where we are now, and it gives me faith and trust for our future with Joseph. There will be differences I know - but God's faithfulness is still the same. 

This summer has been filled with fun trips and local excursions with my kids. Going to Paris with Maggie for 2 1/2 days on our way home from Uganda was one of the most special and meaningful things I've done in a long time. Getting to experience it with my girl was so much fun. Hiking, paddle boarding, swimming and spending time with friends and family has been something that we've truly gotten to enjoy this summer. When you see my Facebook feed filled with pictures of happy kids at the lake or the beach, you will understand why I am really wanting to squeeze all the enjoyment I can out of this summer. I'm a summer girl anyway, and I love "adventuring" as Iva calls it. Add to that the knowledge that in the fall when we bring Joseph home, life will change, then I am eager to enjoy all that I can while I can.

But know this. I believe, like Paul that I have learned and am in the process of learning contentment. God reminded me of a time, shortly after Vivien was born when I realized that I had not left the house for 10 days. I was doing nothing except pumping and feeding and laundry and home chores and things. I was also getting barely any sleep and working harder than I've ever worked in my life. This season of life went on for a long time. But I remember thinking to myself how surprised I was that I was so happy. It felt cozy to be with my kids, and in some ways, having no outside obligations or responsibilities because of what I had at home was kind of nice. Vivien was my sole focus, along with my kids and consumed everything I had at that season of my life. Considering my personality and who I am and how much I like activity and social things, this joy and contentment I felt was nothing short of a miracle. I knew that this was God and His grace in my life. It wasn't something I worked up on my own. I was genuinely enjoying myself. I was ok with how we were living life and even I found this surprising.

This is what I'm talking about. This is why I can trust God with Joseph. This is why though I had those few days of grief (with tears) in thinking about the future - I can still trust Him and know that He is going to give me grace and joy and even happiness if I never travel again, even if I can't stand up paddle board or hike with my kids next summer (or those following). In addition to this, I feel grateful for all the travel that I've been able to do in the past couple of years, and a beautiful summer that God has given me. I can take joy in that, and I can also look with hope and joy for what the future holds, because He can even give me emotional joy - not pasted on choice-joy but real joy - no matter what.

Life may not bring perfect circumstances. It may bring hard circumstances but there is energy, life, joy, and contentment that comes with living out God's calling that cannot be explained. 2 Cor 8:2 talks about people who had an "abundance of joy" at the same time as they had afflictions. It doesn't say they pasted a smile on their face and tried to have a good attitude. It says they actually had an abundance of joy. This is emotional and real. I have experienced it. I wrote about this joy before Vivien was born and I have experienced it after. And the joy of my relationship with Joseph is going to be a blessing to me - to all of us. Even if the circumstances surrounding caring for him are difficult - God has brought me through this before with actual emotional contentment and peace and happiness and he can do it again.

And this is my focus as we move ahead. I am going to enjoy my summer with the kids thoroughly. We have a couple more short trips planned and I am going to be thankful for the activities and fun things to do. I am truly grateful. So if you see my face book feed filling up with fun pictures with my kids, know that I am enjoying my summer and squeezing every bit of family adventuring time out of it that I can. At the same time, know that I am hopeful and trusting God for my kid who will be here soon! For my new son and our future life. For the actives we will do with him and the joy we will have in seeing him grow and learn along with his siblings.

And pray for us that God would continue to help us see the truth of His faithfulness and would continue to give us wisdom and love and hope for the future as we grow in our excitement and joy in bringing Joseph home.