Lost and Found

I know it’s been a while since I updated. And apparently, by the looks of this post, I am making up for in length what I lack in frequency. Again I apologize for the lack of brevity.  Todd gets messages from me during the day and says that some people abuse alcohol and I abuse voice-to-text.  So if you have the time and inclination to wade through it feel free.  But, overall life is getting a little steadier, a little more under control, a little more routine bit by bit.  We have been doing some normal family things like church, vacationing and a recent ballet recital for a certain cute little 5 year old as you can see by the pictures!

Lucie Joy - Ballet Recital

Grandma Merry generously paid for
and took Lucie to all her lessons!

Proud Dad and Mama

Flowers from Daddy

But life is not without it's bumps in the road.  It just felt like things were settling when Vivien got pneumonia. Mothers day weekend her oxygen saturation numbers didn’t look great and our amazing pediatrician was willing to make a special trip to the office on Mother’s Day morning to check her out. Todd was working so my mom came to watch the kids and I took Vivien in. A chest x-ray confirmed that she had a little cloudiness in her lungs.

The pneumonia proved to be quite time consuming and a bit sobering. Todd and I didn’t feel that the end was near or anything, but it was a reminder that while Iva can catch a cold (which she did), it manifests differently in Vivien. Vivien is still fragile and although she is doing super well, she has her vulnerabilities and weaknesses physically. We had to give her antibiotics and do some round the clock nebulizer treatments that left me very tired as Todd had previously taken some overtime for the week so he was gone more than usual. I usually take the night rounds when anything needs to be for Vivien, and he takes the morning, giving me time to sleep in a little and recover the sleep I miss.  We joke that we both work overtime, when he does.  In addition to this, she was vomiting quite a bit, which even with bibs required several outfit changes a day, and always required diaper changes. The antibiotics left her with a bleeding diaper rash (which surprisingly didn’t seem to bother her a bit) that made diaper changes a must.

With caring for the other kids and Todd working so much, it was definitely a long week, but we are pleased to report that it was only about a week and she was as good as new, her normal happy self and is actually spitting up less than she was previously. With a quick request for prayer on Facebook and lots of people praying, we are amazed by how speedily she recovered.

Quilt from 2nd Baptist Church, Levelland, TX

We continue to meet people who we didn’t even know were praying for her. And last week, we received a quilt in the mail, signed by many members of a church in Texas. Their pastor is a relative of a relative and they have been praying for her. We continue to be blessed by the prayers of God’s people.

Vivien is progressing bit by bit in what she can do and has recently discovered her left hand. She brings it to her mouth often and has become very verbal when she does, with lots of coos and aahs. She also has a hearing aid and it definitely causes her to be more alert to the world around her.  She now has 4 different therapists she will be working with. Overall, we are getting into a routine in her sleep and her habits, which has been wonderful.  She also weighs 14 lbs now.  When he sets her on the scale to weigh her every couple of days, Todd tells her to think heavy thoughts - about watermelons and elephants.

Therapy time with Daddy!

 In caring for her during and right after her pneumonia, again at times I felt like a fish out of water. A few days after she was well I was talking to God and just feeling odd. I wasn’t even sure how to describe it, but I felt like I wasn’t sure where I was going, or what I was doing, or to what purpose. I am honestly not unhappy. I am honestly not discontent. But at times, my world seems small and like I have a lack of direction. The best way I could think of to describe it was lost. I was feeling lost. Like I’d been going in one direction in life, full of plans and purpose and dreams of what I wanted to do for God. Actually not just what I wanted to do for Him – but what I felt called by Him to do. I felt like I was getting into my groove and understanding what the “good works” that He talks about in that He has called me to. Doing the work that God calls us to brings so much fulfillment and joy and I really felt like I was thriving there. I wanted to obey Him and I was enjoying my obedience and looking forward to the next chapter and then all of a sudden, it was like the highway just went off on a detour and I was lost. Again not unhappy, not scared, just lost. Not doing what I expected to do.

I was thinking about how all of us are meant to live and serve and to meet needs. If we live in this world, part of our purpose is loving and serving others well, empowered by Jesus as we do it. When we do what we love and bless other people with it – there is nothing more fulfilling and energizing and joy filled. Everyone does this differently but we all something we can contribute to society and our world. We all have our gifts and callings. It doesn’t mean that we don’t sometimes need to operate outside of our gift set; it just means that there are things that come more naturally to some people than others.

 I’ve talked about this a little bit before, but one of Todd’s strong gifts is meeting practical needs. He is so good at this. He is a hard worker and when he sees a need, he jumps in and meets it well. It is what makes me feel like he is a better homemaker than I am at times. It is what made him a good firefighter and makes him an incredible paramedic. He is great with Vivien’s therapy and with knowing her medical needs. He finds joy and energy in caring for her. People with this skill set and gifting (service) are invaluable to society. He is also ordered in his relationship with Jesus. He loves studying, he loves theology. He loves teaching and it makes him a good homeschool dad, opening the kids eyes to learning and growing.

My gift set is different than his. I love meeting emotional and spiritual needs. I love talking with people when they are struggling spiritually or emotionally. I loved leading a women’s’ small group at church. I love analyzing. I love philosophy and sociology. I love asking God questions in my own walk with Him and discovering how He interacts with me and what He wants for me. I love talking with my kids when they are struggling with something. I love resolving conflict with them, and teaching them how to resolve conflict with each other on their own. I love pointing people to the Holy Spirit and praying with them and thinking about how they interact with Him. I love thinking about how God works in our world and in people’s lives. I love reading about this and teaching about it. I love theology too, but especially in how it plays out in our lives. But my gifts set is more philosophical than practical in nature.

This doesn’t mean that Todd doesn’t love leading our kids spiritually, or helping them out emotionally or that he doesn’t do it well. It also doesn’t mean that I can’t meet Vivien’s practical needs and be competent or even insightful in figuring them out. But it does mean that we are energized and fulfilled by different things because those are our callings. Todd is competent when a couple of our kids have a disagreement and he has to help sort things out – but it is exhausting for him and drains his energy. When I help them work through conflict it’s not exhausting for me. It’s energizing. I love teaching them how to love each other well, work through negative emotions, forgive and come out returning to joy on the other side. I am competent when it comes to doing physical therapy with Viv, but it does tire me out and it doesn’t energize me. I’d rather just kiss her and snuggle with her. Todd actually enjoys her therapy times in working with her and helping her practically and medically.

I explain this because when I look at my future with Vivien, and ask Jesus how my calling fits into this, there are times that I feel a little lost. It doesn’t make me love or enjoy her any less. I enjoy her so much. She is beautiful. I probably kiss her literally over a hundred times a day and I love seeing her grow. But she is not going to have the same deep emotional and spiritual needs that I can help meet in the way my other kids will. Her needs are practical. And much of my life, intertwined with her life – consists of meeting her practical needs and most likely will until she goes to heaven. Much of my time consists of doing what I don’t feel like is in my skill set.

So what I’ve been really asking God about is this. How does this affect my relationship with Him and what He has called me to do in life? I really felt like He called me to do ministry in the area of emotional and spiritual needs. I love writing and speaking and leading and conversing with others from a relational aspect. Not only do I enjoy these things – but I felt like this was what He was asking and calling me to do with my life. And if this is truly my calling – then why does it feel like He has asked me to do something, got me all excited about it, and then put a big stop sign – or detour sign in front of the direction I was going? Like he purposefully allowed me to get a little lost? I absolutely know that it is His purpose for me to care for Vivien. I love her deeply and I am committed to her care. It is what I spend most of my time doing right now. But what exactly does He want from me in this?

In asking this, I don’t feel upset with him, discontent or unhappy, but I just want to know and understand what He wants for me right now. I feel like in my “lost”-ness, I have also “found” a few truths that He is teaching me about where He has me right now.

The first truth is that He is teaching me contentment. I truly do feel like He is teaching me to be content and not just know His goodness in my head – but actually feel it. Most of the time I honestly feel like He has been very good to us despite the difficult circumstances. This doesn’t mean I don’t battle moments of frustration, discontentment or discouragement at times, but this doesn’t reflect how I feel overall. It’s like He is not just forcing me to try to be content with a difficult situation – but that He is showing me the secret, like Paul says - of actually feeling it as well.

For example, my life is more restful from a social standpoint. We are and I am a pretty social person. But there is a contentment in waking up knowing that the things that have to be done today only involve my family at the moment. People understand when I say no to events and there is a joy in sometimes just being together as a family or being alone with my kids and completely focused on them. I have long believed that the Christian culture can err in emphasis at times, by turning family into an idol and I have always been purposeful about wanting to reach out beyond those borders in loving people. I still believe this but I’ve sometimes wished life were less busy outside of our home and I could be home more. So in some ways, God is answering this wish. I am delighting in my kids and though there is lots of work and not what I could call relaxing, it is cozy. That coziness is actually an answer to prayer.

Many of you know that in 2010 I went through a very difficult period of insomnia and anxiety. Todd was going through paramedic school and was rarely home both night and day.  I was caring for a nursing baby and two other little ones often getting as little as 3 hours a night for days at a time with an inability to nap or sleep in even if I had the chance.  Home felt like a workhouse. A place where I could get no rest and there was always endless work to do. I was always tired and exhausted.  If I could get sleep, it wasn’t so bad, but when the insomnia hit – I felt like I had the flu all the time, but was expected to live life as normal in my exhausted state.

I remember at the time reading a Facebook post from my friend Kristine, who I admire very much. She also had a little baby at the time, but quite a few more kids. She is just a bit older than me and a wonderful mom and she talked about how excited she was that they were all home that evening, and how cozy her home was. She used such beautiful words and the way she articulated it caused me to realize I needed a different perspective. I actually needed to believe something different about my circumstances. I knew that she was a hard working mom who had a lot on her plate – but she saw things differently than I did. She found joy in what was in front of her instead of work and drudgery. She was honestly happy about her life. It felt cozy to her. And at that moment I asked God to give me that perspective and to help me see life that way. Circumstances didn’t have to change – but the belief and truth in my heart did.

And I feel like He has done that. I have so much more work to do now than I did when I just had three – but He has reminded me that in my “lostness” right now, I am not discontent. I wake up and though there is a lot to do, I don’ t feel like I dread the day ahead, but look forward to it, to being with my family and seeing what can get accomplished.

Trying to snap a picture before
church.  Todd said he'd cry too
if he had to wear this outfit.

Another truth that I feel like He has spoken to me is to rest in my lack of ministry right now. I know this sounds odd, since from a time standpoint, I am busier at home than I have ever been in my life and “restful” isn’t how I’d describe my time. But I have been missing being involved in some sort of formal ministry. I still keep in contact with friends and I am ministered to greatly by them, and I know that informally, I minister to them as well. True friends minister to each other, serve and bless each other whether “ministry” has a title or not. I also I know my home is part of my ministry, but this is the first time in our marriage than Todd and I have not been involved in some leadership capacity through church or a para-church organization.

 Right before Vivien got sick I was praying about where He wanted me to get involved, but as I did I felt like He said to rest from ministry in this season. It’s ok. It's ok to take this time (where I almost feel that I have no choice in the matter anyway simply because of how much time family life takes right now)- to actually enjoy the rest. And so I have been trying to take Him at His word and enjoy this freedom from formal church responsibilities.  I am trying not to worry about it, but rather to enjoy my family, my babies and the friendships I already have. And despite missing the ministry in the past, there is a sweetness and rest in this.

In addition to this, I have been clinging to a verse that Todd gave me of lately. While there are times that I want to do big things for God – to contribute and to be a world changer - as Jesus teaches in a parable, “when you do this to the least of these, you do it for me.” Todd recently met with his friend Gary who reminded him that he is building treasure in heaven. As we care for Vivien who is one of the “littlest” of these, and meet her practical needs, are serving Jesus, we are purposeful and we are doing what God wants us to. It didn’t appear that Mary of Bethany was saving the world when she poured perfume on Jesus’ feet. It appeared to others like she was actually neglecting the poor. And yet, it was a love gift to Jesus. Serving and caring for Vivien at this point is very time consuming. It feels like I am neglecting other areas of ministry. But He is reminding me that I can rest in my lack of ministry and enjoy serving Jesus by meeting her needs. My friend Lori posted this from other Teresa on my facebook wall, “What can you do to promote world peace? Go home and love your family.”

The third truth is that He is reminding me of is that life is seasonal. This is a season. Most likely, life will not always be this hard from a physical effort standpoint. Even if (as we hope) Vivien lives for years, we will continue to find a “normal” in her care and it won’t feel so overwhelming. The others will grow as well. Just being able to care for Vivien alone, without all the needs of the other 4 will be a dramatic difference. The little years are hard work physically, but the teen years will be hard work emotionally. I look forward to loving my children well through the ups and downs, the relational and emotional drama of the teens.There will not always be so many bottoms to wipe, seatbelts to buckle, mouths to be fed and practical needs to be met. They will become more self sufficient.

 Because of this, I really do feel like I am being more intentional about enjoying, savoring and delighting in my kids – all of them – in this season. The ability to do this I know comes from Jesus. Many older mothers talk about how quickly this season goes. I feel like this is becoming more and more evident to me. I don’t want to miss enjoying it and so I am trying to be purposeful about it.

My friend Tiffany who has a toddler and a new baby recently sent me Jen Hatmaker's article that says “The baby years are short. Like 5 minutes….underwater.” It’s true that sometimes I feel so crazy and busy that I can barely come up for air. 5 minutes underwater feels like eternity, but it is such a short time when you look at how long the span of life really is. I also know that I will probably be involved in formal ministry again at some point. And I know that that can be exhausting in a different way. So I want to enjoy this season I am in and be content.

Lastly, I am grateful for the truth that I am not alone. Many women have walked this path before and will after.  I can learn from them.  And I have help.  Todd is gifted in caring for Vivien. We have lots of kind family and friends. We have Grandparents who love to babysit and friends who help us in both practical and emotional ways. When Todd is at work 24 or 36 hrs at a time and I am alone with the kids, it is just a reminder to be grateful for the husband He has given me and how we do complement each other in our gifts and talents. He needs me, I need him, and we need our families and church families and friendships.

I love listening to podcasts and preachers and teachers online. On the day I was really having it out with God about what was going on in my head and heart as far as my purpose and the “lostness” I was feeling I listened to a teacher who talked about going through the same thing. Oddly enough, I wasn’t expecting to hear from the Holy Spirit through this teacher and yet I knew God was talking to me. I immediately identified with his experience and as he went on, he reminded us that faith is trusting God even when you feel lost. If we always had a plan, always knew what we were doing, headed down one road with no detours, faith wouldn’t be necessary. And God loves to build our faith. He loves to build our faith both in His goodness as well as in His trustworthiness when he puts a detour or even a stop sign in the path He has placed us on. We wouldn’t need faith if there were no detours.

Faith is realizing that what we may think is a detour is God’s plan all along. The detour becomes the path. Vivien’s life isn’t a detour. It is my new path. Even though caring for her doesn’t seem to feel like my particular calling or gifting, I know that God is giving me grace to be content, to rest in where I’m at and to remember that it is a season – a season to actually enjoy. I am not lost - I am found. I am where He wants me to be. I am on the path He has for me. And He is good and trustworthy.