Merry Christmas Letter 2022

 Merry Christmas!

Hello Family and Friends!  

We hope this Christmas season finds you joyful and well.  We are blessed to have you in our lives, even if we don’t see each other all that often.  This Christmas season, we are reminded that…

“She shall bear a son, and you shall ca
ll his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins” Matthew 1:21

As it may be with you, 2022 brought its share of challenges and joys.  Still, we are thankful for the peace in the middle of the challenges.   

In April we were able to take a long-dreamed of family vacation to Maui.  All of the older kids were able to come, though we only had a couple of nights where everyone was able to be all together because of the needs of Joseph and Vivien we were still so thankful for a chance to get away and enjoy beautiful Hawaii.

Here’s an update on our clan, starting with the youngest…

Vivien (8 years old) is now in the second grade at Hazelwood Elementary.  She loves riding the bus to school and back each day (although she will be the first to tell you she doesn’t like early mornings!)  Viv’s giggles and her bouncing balloons bring a happy note to the house.  We are thankful for her caregivers who help out in so many ways.  She also has a wonderful para-educator, teachers and therapists who do so many fun things with her.    

Joseph (9 years old) is becoming a young man!  He is now in his third wheelchair as he has grown so much.  Mr. Social also loves going to school and hanging out with any crowd.  We are in the middle of some tests at Seattle Children’s which will hopefully lead to him having a Baclofen pump installed.  This will make him so much more comfortable as well as make it easier to manage him.  Again, we are so thankful for his caregivers, paraeducator, therapists and teachers!

Iva (10 years old) continues to be our happy homebody.  Iva is often found curled up on a couch with a book.  Some of Iva’s favorite books this past year were Story Thieves and The Hero’s Guide to Saving the Kingdom.    This year, she started a computer programming class, Taekwondo, as well as a cooking class at Heritage!  Iva has also gotten quite good at whipping up a batch of slime (just in case you need any).  A highlight of her year was a trip to Zion and Bryce Canyon!  She, Lucie and friends went on some fun hikes and made lasting memories,
    

Lucie (12 years old) will tell you that the best part of her year was getting her little Cavapoo “Sophie”, who just turned one year-old (and yes, Lucie threw a party for her).  Lucie loves her friends in Logic class and is always trying to get them together for events.  When she’s not doting on Sophie, she is usually found on the swing set in the backyard, listening to her music.    Lucie has been expanding her role as babysitter and is usually eager to help out with Vivien and Joseph in a pinch.  Her caring nature is a quality we are all thankful for
.

Silas (15 years old) has been driving with his permit!  This is his last year as a “homeschool” student, as he will step into Running Start at Bellevue College next year.  He has been busy working at out church (Highlands Community) about 10 hours a week, doing various maintenance tasks.  He has been hoping to pick up some more hours as he works toward eventually buying his own car.  Silas is often found on his keyboard upstairs, pounding out some new tunes.  He was able to play for the Highschool worship team at church, and his hoping for some more opportunities.  This past summer, Silas went on an internship with Tiny Heartbeat Ministries, a pro-life ministry in Moscow, Idaho.  He loved the feeling of independence and the friendships he formed while there.  He plans to go on the Justice Ride in Ohio again this next Spring.  

Maggie (18 years old) is finishing up her last few quarters in Running Start at Bellevue College.  This past summer, she bought her first car, which she lovingly named “Chuck”.  With her car came a growing independence, as she is quite the socialite.   She enjoys her work at Backflows Northwest in the office. She also helps lead a team on Thursdays to do pro-life work at a nearby abortion clinic and loves when babies are saved and mamas are supported and loved.

Molly continues to spend time with family and friends, write, jog, hike and travel whenever she can.  She helps lead sophomore discipleship groups at church and is loving the teenage years with her kids.  Todd says she is stuck in the teens herself so she relates.  She enjoyed short trips with Maggie (to Palm Springs) and Silas (to Knotts Berry Farm), as well as a trip with Lucie and Iva to Zion National park with their BFFs..  She attends lots of timeshare presentations and uses travel card points  to get free nights to support her travel habit.  She and Todd were able to get away for a few nights for their anniversary to hike at the beautiful Columbia River gorge area.  Managing Joseph and Vivien’s medical needs, with doctors appointments, therapists and scheduling caregivers keeps her hopping.  Last but not least, she has enjoyed teaching Bible at HIS co-op this year and digging into the Word to try to make it relevant to the wonderful kids she gets to teach

Todd has been busy keeping up with the rest of the family.  His homeschooling load has been lightened a bit as Molly has been doing most all the schoolwork with Iva.  He has enjoyed some fun projects around the house such as building a carport finishing up Viv and Joe’s bedroom remodel.  This last May he celebrated 23 years in the fire service.  He’s grateful every day for the opportunity to work with some great people while helping those in need.

This year, at the beginning of the year Todd asked God about a word for the year.  He was prompted to think about the word “sustainable”.  Molly was in wholehearted agreement with asking God for sustainability in life.  The last few years have felt so dramatic and times, with the ups and downs of the adoption and caring for medical needs.  Thankfully we have been able to obtain some more caregiving hours for Joseph and Vivien which has made life feel a little more sustainable.  We are thankful to God for His sustaining grace, His sustaining provision and a life that has moved from “almost out of control” to “only somewhat crazy at times”, which feels a little better!  We are grateful for a God who sustains us.

Thank you for taking the time to “catch up” with us.  We love getting your letters and hearing updates from you all.

Blessings to your family,

The Merrys

A real trip to Hawaii, Idols and Good Gifts

I have been reflecting on our recent trip to Hawaii, our trip home from Hawaii in December and a trip I took with Silas and Maggie and one of their friends for SIlas’s birthday.  I love / sometimes don’t love the truth of the Bible that God says He is a “jealous God”.  I love / sometimes don’t love the fact that He doesn’t want anything to come between Him and us and our love.  He is personal.  He arranges circumstances to remind us of this at times.  I have known for a while that he has been putting his finger the trips and vacations in my life and asking me to submit them to him and be careful not to make them idols.

With Todd and I coming home from our Hawaii trip in December we wondered if we should move forward with our Hawaii trip that we had planned with the kids this April.  After recovering from covid and evaluating my mom’s health, Joseph and Vivien’s health and the caregivers we had, we went back and forth about what we should do.

Todd offered to stay home and let me go alone with all the kids for the full time, but his Dad and Step-Mom were coming and I wanted him to be able to enjoy the experience and the time with them.  I could have sent him with the kids with him and stayed home but after praying and wishing and hoping and dreaming for a Hawaii experience with the kids for years, that might have sent me over the edge.  

We thought about canceling the whole thing as well but in the end, we decided that Todd and I would take the younger girls for the first week as planned and then he would go home for the second week instead of staying and letting my mom take care of the girls.  The younger two would go home with him, Maggie and Silas would join me and I would get to stay the whole time.  In return for this, when summer came, he would be the one to go to Seaside and Maggie Lake, our regularly planned trips and I would stay home with Joseph and Vivien only coming for a small amount of the time that we could get caregivers and use respite hours.

We were thinking about having my mom come to Hawaii, but it was complicated as Silas was planning on participating in a speech tournament and she was going to stay with the younger girls.  At the last minute, with his decision to do a summer internship a few weeks later and life getting busy, he decided to pass on the speech tournament and stay in Hawaii for the full week.  

This enabled Todd to be home full time for the second week instead of traveling with Silas, which freed up my Mom to come along with Maggie and Silas, thanks to Maggie’s suggestion - with one day's notice.  My mom is the queen of spur of the moment spontaneity, quickly pivoted and packed.  She was thrilled, we were thrilled and it worked out perfectly to have her there with Maggie, SIlas, Richard, Linda and I.

Details aside, we truly had a great time while we were there and I loved exploring the beautiful Island of Maui with the kids and Todd.  The rooms we booked were gorgeous and peaceful and huge and thanks to our timeshare I got a pretty super deal that felt both luxurious and relaxing.

Before we’d adopted Joseph, one of the last vacations we took was a trip with the whole family including Vivien was one of the most meaningful to me.  I loved being with the kids and grandparents, everything went smoothly, we connected well.  I know that everyone loves vacations - but I’m a little extra in this department.

Todd has often joked that “Hawaii” is the other man in my life.  I run the vacation portion of our budget, attend a lot of timeshare presentations to get free stays, use air miles and credit card reward points and squeeze every bit out of our allotment as I possibly can.  I love vacations because my love language is time and I love having the kids to myself for a whole week.  My personality is also one that loves exploring and adventure and vacations can be full of this as well.

I admit that trips and vacations can definitely be an idol in my life.  And I feel like lately God has reminded me, without being too harsh or completely taking them away, that my focus needs to be renewed, things of the earth will not satisfy and I need, as always, to hold things I love with an open hand.  I need to put vacations in their proper place.

First of all I always think that no matter how stressful it is to plan, a trip is worth it despite the hassle.  But this trip, with three caregivers, different schedules, different types of hours (personal and respite) and all of the airline and hotel and car plans - took literally hours and hours of planning for weeks ahead of time.  

There were parts that were stressful even after we got there, because of phone calls and questions from home and school.  There were hiccups, phone calls from the caregivers who needed to switch shifts and emails to the case managers to fix and change some of the hours. 

I was managing things from afar some of the time and as the first week went by Joseph was having some trouble with vomiting, after going months with no issues.  By the time Todd got back after the first week, it got so bad that he had to take him into urgent care.  They got meds for him and he recovered well, but it was super stressful for Todd. We joke about the difficulty in “re-entry” after a trip and this one was a little extra.  So much so that he felt like he didn’t want to do another big trip for a long time because it didn’t feel worth it.

Silas and I tandem Jumping ^

We had several things that happened in Hawaii that also made things difficult.  First of all, I was disappointed and embarrassed by the fact that I didn’t realize that when I booked Richard and Linda a one bedroom instead of a two bedroom how different the rooms were.  Most timeshares don’t have a huge difference in view and size between 1 and 2 bedrooms, but apparently this one was different.  Our room had a gorgeous ocean view.  They had a second story view of the parking lot and another building.  We had huge rooms and theirs was tiny by comparison.  They were SUCH good sports and had good attitudes, spending a lot of the vacation teasing me about our “castle” and their “dungeon”, but we shared meals up in ours and sat on our lanai together almost every night.  I was thankful that despite my poor planning, they still enjoyed themselves.

There were also relational issues, one in particular between the younger girls and another between one child and I.  We had a hard conversation that was both hurtful and frustrating.  I made a huge mom-error halfway through the week, with this child though, and somehow this error by God’s grace, helped restore our relationship. They not only forgave me, but to my relief,  good naturedly teased me about it the rest of the time and despite our long “discussion” earlier in the week, the last few days with them were full of laughter, and good memories.  

In addition to this there was the whole “time away with kids is a trip not a vacation” and though Todd and I had a good time, it wasn’t like our anniversary trip to the Columbia River Gorge where we got to focus more on each other.

We did get to take a date to Big Beach and I wanted to explore and see Little Beach on the other side as well, only accessible by hiking over a hill.  There is a picture in a guidebook that I have of the coast, from the air, and the hill you climb to get from one beach to another.  I’d been gazing at that picture in longing for the past several years wishing to explore.  

I couldn’t wait to go and as Todd and I made our way over the hill from one beach to the other, was a big sign as you go across that says, “no nudity” but to our chagrin and my laughter, as we crossed over the hill and made our way down to the beach we quickly retraced our steps realizing that we would not fit in at Little Beach.  

I laughed so hard and Todd was just uncomfortable but it was neither glamourous or beautiful.  In fact, there were very few people under the age 40 or or 50 and even though we only had a glimpse, it was definitely not an experience I would want to repeat.  Unseeing things like a lot of wrinkles and tattoos on senior citizens in their birthday suits is impossible.  I laughed all the way back!

The younger girls and I had fun exploring while Todd relaxed at the condo, and it was so fun to see their wonder, despite my mistake of taking them on a too-long hike to Iva’s consternation and there were a few tears.  However, at the end of it she was so exhausted she was laughing at everything so I redeemed myself by joking around with her.  

I did have a wonderful time exploring with the girls and we also did a few things together as a family like visiting the Maui Ocean Center, celebrating Grandma Linda’s birthday in Lahaina and of course pool time.  

Maggie and I did the Road to Hana together and we both loved the beautiful places we got to see.  One of the things we did involved a spectacular cliff jump (my favorite thing to do) and the prettiest scenery in a truly remote spot not too well known to tourists that ended up being my favorite part of the trip. I had read about it, and had been wishing and dreaming about it for almost 5 years.  

Todd and I didn’t go to this when we took the Road to Hana for our 15th wedding anniversary several years ago and when I took the younger girls on this trip, we ended up doing other things.  But Maggie and I chanced to find someone going there as we parked along the road and tried to figure out how to find it. I truly don’t think we would have found it without asking them if we could follow them.  It was gorgeous and the combination of lush, beautiful, slightly dangerous and yet peaceful was my favorite thing I did and experiencing it with Maggie was the cherry on top.  We jumped together at different spots.  

I was also thankful that we were able to arrange with the caregivers that when Maggie and Silas arrived on Maui in the middle of our time, the following day Todd and the girls didn’t have to leave until around 4:00 in the afternoon, so we got a full morning and afternoon as a family with all 4 kids together with the Grandparents.  

We went out for breakfast and as everyone was chatting and enjoying themselves, Maggie looked over at me and said, “Mom are you crying!?!”  I had to admit that I had tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat, feeling both so grateful to God for this gift, of being all together despite the brevity, and simultaneously wishing it could last longer.  We did a family photo shoot late that morning and the kids went swimming at the resort pool before I left to take Todd, Lucie and Iva to the airport.

Overall we did have a beautiful time.  We spent time shopping in Lahaina with Richard and Linda and enjoyed ice cream with the older kids.  We cliff jumped black rock with some of our cousins who happened to be there at the same time,  and went back later, just Silas and Maggie and I and did some more, including Silas and I tandem jumping which I loved.  My mom had a wonderful time as well and we left with our hearts full of thankfulness for a beautiful trip.

But at the same time I knew that God was allowing some of these hiccups to remind me that no matter how much planning I do, no matter how thrifty I am, no matter if we are in the most beautiful place in the world, there a

re still relationship issues, there are still circumstantial difficulties, sick kids and He is the one who satisfies.  Paradise is not always paradise.  No amount of planning can make things perfect on earth.  No idol is ever going to meet up or match with HIs goodness.  I am thankful for His “good gift” he gave us on this trip but I also knew that He was reminding me that the Giver is more important than the gift.  

It is interesting because the other time I cried during the trip was when we attended church together on Easter Sunday.  The service was nice and it was outdoors and lovely, but as soon as the music started, I found myself swallowing tears.  There is something about being in the house of God and remembering that He is the one who truly satisfies.

That said,  we don’t have a lot of trips planned for next year as a result of some of the stress and hassle, and everyone (except me of course) is a little gun shy about even thinking about it at this point, which makes me sad, but reminds me that God is in control of the future and I need to continue to hold things I love with an open hand and heart.  

I am thankful for His reminders of this to me to not make idols out of his good gifts, and to trust Him for what the future holds.  He loves me so much that He wants to be first and I am thankful for this reminder in my life and thankful for this long awaited good gift of enjoying Hawaii with my family.

A Day trip to Maui and the Merrys do Covid

Have you ever taken a day trip to Hawaii?  We pretty much did….  Can’t say I recommend it.

Back in early 2020 I was thinking and dreaming about going to Hawaii for our 20th anniversary and wondering if it would be possible.  It was shortly after we’d adopted Joseph, life was looking rather confined and difficult.  I was hopeful that we might have caregivers by then.  I decided to go ahead and book early with our timeshare exchange and picked January of 2021.

In October of 2020 we took a 2 night trip sans kids for the first time in 6 years to Oregon and it went well!  We had always taken Vivien in the past and it was quite amazing to be kid free for the first time in a long time.

But we all know, January 2021 rolled around, deep in covid.  We did have caregivers by then, and a few people were taking trips to Hawaii with lots of restrictions but in late 2020 we decided to postpone our January trip  as it seemed like there were too many complications.

We rescheduled our Maui trip for December of 2021 and took a placeholder 20th anniversary trip to Utah which involved less restrictions and fewer days.  We had pages of notes for caregivers and family members who were taking care of the kids, but thankfully, we had a wonderful time and everything went smoothly.  My hopes were high and I was so glad it all worked out, looking at the future and realizing that actual getaways with the two of us worked!

So when the postponed trip to Hawaii rolled around, and the week before we left there were a few hiccups I wasn’t worried. There was a predicted storm but storm or no storm it was hawaii. There were a couple other small things.   I have noticed that before good things happen in our life, especially at the beginning of trips - there is always some sort of problem.  In 2013 when we went away (before Viv) I hurt my knee right before our trip.  In June of 2016 when Todd and I took an anniversary trip, SIlas had to have a bunch of stitches in his foot just a couple days before we left.  Both trips turned out just fine.  Even before this last October trip to Oregon, Todd and I had a difficult season together and were frustrated with each other right before we left- and the trip proved to be exactly what we needed to reconnect.

So this time, I was expecting something to happen that would make it seem like we wouldn’t be able to go but it would be just fine.   I’d been planning for months things for the kids to do with parents, caregivers, friends, and been in contact with Joseph and Vivien’s school.  The schedule and instructions were about 14 pages long.

The night before, I was feeling like we got off fairly easily as we hadn’t had many issues.  Joseph had gotten a cold the last week in November but it didn’t hit too hard.  We’d had him tested for covid and he was negative, so when Silas and then Iva came down with the cold, we just assumed they had caught it from Joseph and didn’t worry about it.  Our kids had had colds on and off all winter and we would usually get one or two of them tested to be safe each time.  

We knew several families that had gone through covid and though we are very careful for the Grandparents’ sake, I’ve never been super worried about the kids themselves or extra careful in that sense, as research has shown that covid is pretty mild in kids.  Most of the adults that were caring for them were vaccinated so I felt a little more assured for that reason.

However, the night before we left, we’d gotten an email from Silas’ co-op saying that one of the kids there had tested positive.  We’d gotten these before and it listed the class.  I didn’t recognize it or think much of it, but about 20 minutes before going out the door to the airport, Todd mentioned that the covid positive student was in one of Silas’s classes.

Thinking of his cold, I realized that we should probably get he and Iva to be tested to be safe, so I quickly scheduled an online drive through test like we’d done many times before and asked Maggie to take the older three.  I literally scheduled it a few minutes before we left for the airport. Joseph and Viv were already going to school.  Joseph had already had the cold and tested negative so I didn’t bother getting them tested.

However we decided to keep Iva and Lucie home from the grandparents that day just to be safe.   I did feel like it put a damper on the trip though, and throughout the plane ride, I felt some anxiety about it, trying to assure myself that SIlas had been in a classroom and they were all wearing masks, there weren’t close quarters and Joseph had just had a cold.  I was fully expecting a negative test and decided it was just another one of those things that happens at the beginning of the trip that scares us and that everything would be fine.

After arriving on Maui that evening, getting our car and food for the week and heading to our condo in Kihei, I kept checking my email to see if we’d gotten any results back.  There had been a storm there and the weather wasn’t great, but it was still Hawaii.  However, I felt like I was holding my breath until we got that test back.

Todd and I woke up early the next morning because of the time change and it was so nice to be able to have a relaxing morning and not worry about getting everyone ready.  Lucie did text to ask about something as they got Joseph ready for school, but it was a restful morning.  Still, I kept checking my email.

Finally it appeared.  I had to download the test and as I opened it, I was fully expecting to see “negative” breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy the rest of our trip.

When I saw the word “positive” my heart sank and I immediately felt nauseous.  Silas and Iva were both positive and Lucie was negative.  Maggie had already had covid, but after seeing the positive, I knew we’d need to get her tested also.  I wasn't at all worried about the kids getting deathly sick. As I said before all the research showed that kids usually do fine. But I knew that if we had to take Joseph and Vivien out of school for the whole time we would pretty much have to come home.  And of course I didn't want my mom getting sick.

As I said most of the adults caring for our kids were vaccinated but immediately we had to figure out a new strategy if there was any chance of us staying.  I spent the next 5 hours working out alternative plans, thinking about where Joseph and Vivien would sleep, talking to Silas and Iva about isolating and having the other kids bring them their meals.  We’d stocked the freezer before we left and had lots of help but we weren’t expecting covid!

We would have to pull Joseph and Vivien out of school until they were tested and got results back and we had sort of worked it out to where Lucie could help care for them some and the caregivers could help care for them.  Mom and the kids were telling us not to come home and saying they could handle everything but we weren’t so sure.  I was communicating with the school and trying to get everything laid out.

Finally in the late afternoon, I put my computer and phone aside (but not off!) and we took a walk along the stunning beachside path in Wailea.  It was our only venture out of our condo, and despite walking one of the most gorgeous paths in the world, alongside the most beautiful beaches and expensive hotels (we were staying in Kihei not in Wailea), I could only feel anxiety and the sinking feeling in my stomach wouldn’t go away.

I was praying a lot.  There were a lot of whys.  There was also a feeling of shame that I was having a hard time shaking, wondering if we were too hasty and taking this trip or if we were selfish.  It didn’t look like there was a way out.  I was worried for the kids and my mom.  I didn’t want to go home after all the planning, work and expense, but it also felt terrible to stay.  We were face timing a lot with kids and Iva especially.  She was getting to rest and watch movies, which she enjoys but it wasn’t looking good for us staying.

When Vivien’s caregiver Rhiana told us she’d vomited at school I felt even worse.  Vomiting occasionally happens with her g-tube so it was a normal behavior for her but it is also sometimes her first sign her body shows of getting sick.  I knew if it happened once it could be a fluke.  But if it happened twice, it could be a sign she was getting sick.  And if Joseph and Vivien got covid, we would definitely need to come home.  As I mentioned before, I wasn’t worried about them being deathly sick as all the science shows that covid is mild in kids.  But if they couldn’t be in school, there were definitely not enough caregiving hours to make it work.

As I was praying I was struggling with God a bit.  Covid has been here for 2 years.  Before we left I’d been saying I’d been amazed that we hadn’t gotten it yet.  I was expecting that at some point it would go through our family.  Why now?  Why AFTER we left?  If it had arrived a week earlier, we could have postponed, not gotten on the plane and at least saved some of the expense and trouble.  If it had arrived a week later we could have almost finished out our whole trip.  It did seem like this was very pointedly something God was in control of.  

It was interesting because a few weeks before I’d read some of his promises God had given Todd and I at the beginning of our marriage. They were from Scripture and are beautiful and good. One of the admonitions that came with the promise was that after receiving “good things” from the Lord, not to turn to idols.  I was asking him if Hawaii and vacations were too much of an idol in my life a couple of weeks ago.

Todd and I talked everything through on our walk and agreed that God would make it clear if we needed to go home although it was appearing like we would.  We asked for a clear sign to know and we would just wait a bit longer to see what would happen.  We ate dinner at the condo and as the sun set, walked across the street to the beach and sat together, watching a gorgeous Maui sunset over the water.  I took pictures and a few smiling selfies with Todd that belied how I was feeling inside.

As we sat there, I was still feeling nauseated, anxious and sad.  I couldn’t help but think about the idea that I could be sitting in one of the most beautiful places in the world, in the most lovely circumstances, after eating a delicious with my husband - and have NO PEACE.  And yet there are other times, when circumstances are horrible and difficult and God gives GREAT PEACE.

Circumstances do not dictate peace.  Only God can give that.   I definitely didn’t have it.  I was trying to talk myself into hope but it wasn’t happening.  As we were sitting there I got a phone call from Lucie saying that Vivien had vomited again - pretty much her whole feed.  We came back to the condo and decided to see how things were in the morning but knew things weren’t looking good.

The whole time we were there though, Todd was amazing.  He had this assurance about him and inner rest. He was so loving and sweet to me and he had this sense of enjoyment for the moment.  He said if we were going to go home, it would be clear and we could trust God and just enjoy where we were at and the time we had.  He was super kind and though I was not able to be as at peace as he was, I felt like we connected really well and deeply, despite the time that was to be short.

When we fell asleep that night, I didn’t silence the phone just in case.  At 2:00 am I was awakened by the buzz of the phone.  It was my mom.  She explained that she was doing ok, but she was  headed into the hospital with the paramedics because she was having some chest pain.  She said the kids were asleep.  Maggie was there and we weren’t worried about them being alone but were concerned for my mom.  Todd got on the phone with one of the paramedics he knew well and got the details.  Her heart had been beating too rapidly (a-fib) and they’d stabilized it but needed her to go in for tests and observation.  She was doing fine, and cheerful.  Todd said that the paramedic told him that in all the years he has worked, he had never met a nicer patient.  Of course.  It’s my mother! 

After we hung up, we looked at each other.  This was definitely our sign to come home.  Talk about another dramatic twist.  We were not expecting this.  I believed my mom would be ok but it was time to go home.  At around 3:00am after the phone call I scoured Expedia for tickets and we found some relatively cheap ones, leaving at around 10:45am

It was still 3:30 am and despite my sorrowing heart and anxiousness about the kids we did sleep fitfully for a couple of hours.  I dreamed that we were leaving, and in my dream I was sobbing and sobbing.

In reality, I knew that leaving Hawaii was a first world problem.  I have so much to be thankful for and grateful for.  Maybe I’d been asking too much to even go.  But it was still painful, and again, felt a little shameful as if I’d done something wrong.  I knew shame wasn’t from God, but but it was still difficult to shake.  As we packed the next morning, I kept tearing up. We bought some good food for the week and and tried to pack a lot of it into our suitcase  Todd joked we should try to eat the all the good stuff before we left but I didn't feel like eating anything. 

As we drove away, I felt a mixture of anger, shame and sadness.  We returned the car and sat in the airport checking in with the kids and writing.  I knew I would be glad to see them and care for them, but I still kept struggling with God.  I wanted to know what He was doing and I did feel like he was possibly revealing my idols.

However I wanted to trust him also.  Somehow when we arrived home, I felt so much better just being with the kids and finding peace again.  We’d done what we needed to do.  As I’ve mentioned before, I love caring for my kids when they are sick.  I loved hugging Iva especially since I’d been the most worried about her isolating, and it was good to see all of them and be home with them.

It felt like we came home and everything was fine.  My mom was back from the hospital after being there for several hours, and after tests were run, she had almost no issues, other than a couple medications to take.  Both Silas and Iva were doing better physically.  Vivien was still struggling with some vomiting and though she hadn’t slept well the night before the night we got home she slept through the night like a dream.  The next day everything seemed fine and a bit surreal that we were home and that we’d been on our day-trip to Hawaii the day before.

Over the next couple weeks, everyone got covid except Maggie, my mom and I.  Maggie had had it this summer.  I tested 3 times and was negative every time.  I kept up my jogging, my water and my vitamins.   Mom had bought D, C and Zinc for the kids in great supply.  It hit Todd and Lucie like colds.  Joseph didn’t have any symptoms until almost a week after he and Vivien tested positive.  Thankfully both of them had fevers for a couple of days, and slight coughs for a couple of days, but other than that, they did just fine.  They’d had a much worse cold a couple months earlier.  Overall it was a fairly mild covid run.  The research that showed that kids did fairly well with it proved to be true.  The biggest loss for them was the fun things that I had planned for them with their friends and Grandparents while we were gone.  It was especially hard on my social Lucie girl, to be home doing nothing for a couple of weeks

Vivien’s caregiver Rihana tested positive, and definitely had symptoms and spent some days at home.  I know this was especially difficult for her because her mother had passed away from covid just a few months before in Africa.  My heart went out to her.  I visited her at her home, bringing her a meal and making sure she had everything she needed. Joseph’s caregiver Alimata tested negative thankfully.

After we got home my mom stayed at her house and away from the kids.  Though she’d been in close contact with all of them except Iva and Silas (because of their colds), she tested negative twice and did just fine as well.  

We did enjoy our time at home with the kids, just being together as a family.  Todd of course was off work the whole time and we had a meal together every night, worked on projects and Christmas things during the day, often spending evenings watching movies or resting all together.  We were just finishing moving Joseph and Vivien downstairs and redoing an entire room for them so it helped to be able to get that all done and organized. It actually ended up being a really special time for the family.  And as long as I wasn’t reminded of where I could have been, emotionally I was fine.  I would occasionally remember and wince but overall, I was thankful for the peace God gave me once I was home with the kids.

In addition to this, much of our trip was surprisingly refunded, including all our timeshare credits, (even the two nights we stayed!) and aeven our “nonrefundable” car rental other than the two days we were there.  Even the surprise return airline ticket we had to buy, was given back in airline credits because right before we left, they asked for volunteers to fly out an hour later so we did.  We received credit for future airfare, in an amount well over what we’d paid for the tickets.  We were also able to get credits for our other return tickets we didn’t use.   I felt God’s kindness in this way, although I wondered how we were going to use all of these.  I wasn’t sure what future vacationing would look like, although Todd and I can and have traveled with the kids separately.

I do want to learn from this and I am asking him what  it looks like to go away in the future.  We were supposed to take the kids to Hawaii, two at a time this coming April with the others at home helping with Joseph and Vivien and the caregivers.  Now we’re not sure about this or how it will work or if it will even happen at all.  We want to be extra careful with my mom.  But we also know that earlier this year we were gone for 6 nights and everything was fine.  We don’t want to overreact and just assume we can never go away again.

But I want to be sensitive to God about what the future looks like.  I want to listen to Him, keep my heart in check about what is important.  There are so many things more important than vacation.    I know we will go to Hawaii again someday.  But as we’ve been reminded over and over, when you have special needs kids, life is different and there are limitations we have that others don’t.  This is hard on us, and it’s hard on them.  I don’t think it’s hard on Vivien, but I know that Joseph is aware of his limitations.  The other kids are aware of how it affects them at times, having so much of our time and attention often given to Joseph and Vivien, despite our trying to keep a balanced focus.  

I also know that just the fact that I’ve gotten to go to Hawaii several times in my life is a huge blessing.  I have so much to be thankful for and grateful for both in earthly wealth as well as in spiritual, emotional and familial blessings.  And though the sense of loss feels real, I also know that my “loss” because of covid is ridiculously small in comparison to those who have lost loved ones and friends.  We have been relatively minorly affected by covid and I don’t take this for granted.  

I am continuing to pray that I will learn lessons from this “day trip to Hawaii” and trust God for what the future holds with thankfulness and hope.