New Firsts for Joseph and Racism - Summer 2020

Summer found us venturing outside, after spending most of the spring wondering with everyone else, what exactly was going to happen with this coronavirus and quarantine.  We began to have a little more contact with people and took a few trips, despite the coronavirus.  While I know that it has affected so many people in very difficult ways from health to finances, it does, at least at this point, feel like it has inconvenienced us, but not much more than that.  We are thankful.  I don’t personally know anyone here in WA who has had it, although I’ve had a few online acquaintances in other parts of the country and friends of fiends who have experienced it.  For us, as I mentioned in an earlier post, it has slowed down our life a little which has actually been helpful.

We spent our summer doing as many outdoor things as possible and we did fit in trips in with the Grandparents, who, after a few months of not seeing their grandkids decided it was worth the risk.  Joseph had so many firsts, usually having to do with water.  First vacation (Idaho), first time going swimming in a pool (Seaside), first time going swimming in a lake (Maggie Lake) and the first time with his feet in the ocean (Seaside), first ride in a power boat (Hicks Lake) first (and last) time camping all of which he loved so much.  He also met some of his cousins for the first time, both on the East and West side of the state. 

At Seaside he was he was googly eyed and open mouthed as we put his feet in the ocean for the first time and a wave would approach. He would dance with anticipation.  He loved the cold water on his feet and laughed and splashed.  It was a huge production to even get him out to the water as we obtained a rental type beach wheelchair, walked it to the beach, got him all ready and then out to the beach.  Afterwards we had to bring him back to the hotel room, clean him up and  return the wheelchair.  Needless to say it only happened a couple of times but he did love it.  The only way for him to wade was to hold him under the arms, semi-hanging, semi-standing up.  This got tiring for the holder.  The first time we put him back in the wheelchair he threw an absolute fit.  Screaming, ugly crying tantrum and all because he loved the ocean so much.  I basically feel the same way when I have to leave the ocean too so I had some sympathy for him. We took turns holding him, letting him play in the waves, putting him back in the wheelchair for a rest and doing it all over again until he tired out, we did too and he finally went back without complaint.

Happy "indoor" camper

We also took him camping at Maggie lake, which is one of our favorite parts of summer as Todd’s dad and step-mom have property there.  It was a huge challenge this year to navigate two kids with special needs along with the other four.  The difference between Joseph and Vivien is that Viv is an indoor girl and could care less if we are all doing fun things and she is missing out.  Even when camping, she prefers the trailer to being outside.  Joseph on the other hand wants to be in the middle of EVERYTHING.  Leaving him out or behind is just about his worst fear and he will let you know it if you do.  So getting him ready and hauling him down the short, steep trail to the lake is quite the ordeal. Once you get in the water, you basically just have to stand there in it with him while everyone else swims, but he thinks it’s the best thing ever.  He also absolutely loved the “Padamobile” as we call the little golf cart that we drive around the lake in.  I think he even loved it more than swimming and the first time we took him out in it, his eyes were as wide as saucers.

"Padamobile" Ride

Back at home we also have generous neighbors who let us use their pool, and he spent a lot of time there with all the kids cavorting around him.  Again it is a huge amount of work to wrestle him into his swimsuit and life jacket and then out of wet clothes afterwards.  He is getting so strong, and yet with his athetoid CP - he continually moves and wiggles, often in very contorted ways that make even lying down an athletic event.  When it comes to getting him dressed (or in the car or even strapping him into his wheelchair) we say, “picture Arnold Schwarzenegger as an octopus who just drank a lot of coffee” and then wrestle him. He’s not upset, just excited and his excitement translates to lots of movement.  Silas is growing strong and tall and thankfully can help carry when necessary.

All joking aside, it felt like summer was an mixture of joy, meaning and sorrow at the same time.  After we came home from Seaside, I felt an odd sense of grief, because what has been a source of joy, rest, relaxation and life for me, was just a lot of work and didn’t really bring the refreshment that it had before although it was still good to be with family and was not without fun.  Taking care of Joseph changed the experience for both Todd and I.  I love getting away with the family, and though caring for the kids was still a lot of work, I always found refreshment in it.  However, that didn’t compare to the work of caring for Joseph.  It was honestly just hard, physically and emotionally.  On the other hand, watching him experience all these new things, the kids bond with him and our family love each other did bring me joy and was meaningful.  It was a paradox

As I’ve mentioned before, we’re pretty sure his enneagram is 7 and what this personality type loves the most are exciting experiences.  This is him to a T - which makes living with a disability even harder for him (and for us), because he never wants to be left out and he wants to experience everything.   There were times this summer when I’d take the kids to the lake and it would be impossible to bring him if we were paddle boarding or going down the river.  We learned that if we were leaving, we would need to sneak around and not let him see them in swimsuits or there would be tears and anger involved.  Despite his sweet, charming ways, he can definitely throw a good fit.  It was also hard to plan any family outings because either Todd or I or one or two of the kids would have to stay home, or if we brought him, it was exhausting work. 

Todd and I did manage two days away at his parent’s cabin with Vivien, which was relaxing and refreshing.  My mom stayed with the kids at night and we paid Vivien’s wonderful caregiver, Rihana to take care of Joseph during the day.  It was so good to reconnect with each other and have some quiet relaxation.  Viv is feels easy to care for by comparison to Joseph so it did feel like a break.

The other thing that brought some sorrow, was that after going to Maggie Lake, we realized it is probably not going to be feasible to bring Joseph and Vivien camping next year.  I work really hard to have fun.  Both for my kids and myself.  I am willing to make all kinds of sacrifices and take great effort to make vacation successful and the more kids we’ve had, the harder it has gotten to make it work, but we’ve done it.  However, just a day or so into camping with everyone including Joseph this year, Todd and I realized that it was just too much.  We were literally working morning to night and there was no downtime when you counted all the little things that had to happen to keep things going with Joseph and Vivien in a camping and swimming setting.  We decided that next year, one of us would stay home at night and the other would stay with the 4 at Maggie lake.  We’d make day trips and were hopeful by then have a caregiver for Joseph as we do for Vivien.  We will probably bring Joseph on a couple of the day trips so he can still experience Maggie lake, but it will not be the whole time. It would mean no sitting around the campfire at night for us as a whole family, and either Todd or I traveling 3 hrs a day or so back and forth.

This is a total first world problem, but I was surprised by how much gloom descended upon me as we made this decision.  Maggie Lake is one of our favorites and to not go as a whole family next year made my heart sink.  Seaside was doable as we have a washer, dryer, dishwasher and the setting is manageable because of the condo conveniences.  It was still a lot of work, but possible.  Todd and I also discussed only doing one or two family trips a year and making any other trip we take, smaller, with one or the other of us and fewer kids.  We could still enjoy time with the kids, it would just look different.  I was frustrated and sad about these limitations on our activities and plans. I'm an enneagram 7 too! (but with an almost equally as strong eight wing), but I also knew that again, these are first world problems and the opportunities we are giving Joseph are large in comparison to our small “sacrifices”. To be able to vacation at all is a privilege.  A more accurate perspective of the world is that I can be truly grateful for the time we get away regardless of how many of us get to go.

The other thing we experienced this summer along with the entire US was all the turmoil surrounding George Floyd, Ahmed Aubrey, Black Lives Matter, the protests and riots.  I have always cared about racism but this year of course it became more personal with the adoption of Joseph.   

Grandma Merry Love

I truly believe that there are many in this country who do not understand what people of color experience on an everyday basis.  When we went to adoption conferences and received training to become a bi-racial family, we did a lot of educating ourselves.  We read books, listened to documentaries and podcasts by both white and black people, giving us a deeper understanding of the issues.  There is a very real bias in our judicial system, when it comes to crime and punishment for black versus white.  If you dig a little deeper, it is clear statistically that there was a time in past history, and even in very recent history that crimes by black men were given much stiffer sentences than white men.

While many Americans are not racist, all of us have bias and bias and this is something that we need to consider in our own hearts.  To say with pride, “I don’t see color” is a nice sentiment, but it lacks understanding because even if we “don’t see color”, there are many who do.  Because of this our “not seeing color”, actually keeps us from understanding what a black person goes through because we are unable to see how they are treated differently because of their skin.  When a black mama has “the talk” with her child, it isn’t about sex.  It’s about how to conduct yourself around the police.  It’s about keeping your hands out of your pockets when you are shopping and putting your hood down when you enter a store.  Wrongful accusation and bias is rampant whether we believe it or not

At the conference we attended, we heard from white moms who thought that we live in a pretty liberal state, where racism is rare, who, when their cute little black boys became teenagers, were shocked by how they were treated at school and in society and how quickly they were accused of things that never happened. They found that when they stepped in as white parents, all of a sudden the attitude toward their sons became friendlier.  These are conservative white mamas dealing with school administrators who quickly seemed to shift their perspective when they realized the parents of the boys they were dealing with were white.  Naïve white adoptive parents found out that racism is real and it is still here.  There are many good white people who may not be racist themselves but truly do not understand what our black brothers and sisters go through.

On the other hand, we do believe, along with Martin Luther King, and Abraham Lincoln, that we need to see people by the content of their character, not just by the color of their skin.  Our criminal justice system needs to be reformed.  Our police absolutely need reform and change.  But this does not mean that all white people are guilty or that all police are wrong and need to be defunded as many are calling for.  We also saw here in the Seattle area that peaceful protests and riots are completely different things.  Watching Seattle Police Chief, Carmen Best, a strong, articulate, compassionate yet tough black woman experience harassment, bullying even at her own home, finally resign from the force because of the pressure shows that there are political agendas and movements that have nothing to do with real care for black people.  You do not have to choose between loyalties to people of color and police.  There are good and bad policemen and the answer is to reform our system, not eliminate it.  There are many people of color speaking out in favor of the police, as well as many black police.  This does not have to be a polarizing movement.  But change does need to happen.

Iva and the Lewis & Clark
Statue in Seaside

In addition to this, we need to look at history with a critical eye.  Our kids have been learning more about the Civil War.  They also recently studied Lewis and Clark, who are heroes of sorts and read about Clark’s black servant, York who was outstanding in his service of the expedition and worked hard to make it successful.  When he asked for his freedom, afterwards it was not granted to him, even to go home and live with his wife who he had not seen for years.  He was permitted to visit and then go back to his labor. We talked with our kids about him and what a hero he was as well and how he was truly mistreated, despite his loyalty which wasn’t even deserved.  I am adding a link to an interesting article in the Washington Post about him. 
 

We do not need to cancel or rewrite history.  We need to find out what is true and take it for what it is worth, understanding the sins and victories of those who went before us.  Not all white men in history were bad.  Over 300,000 white men proved their opposition to racism in the Civil War, giving their very lives for the freedom of their black brothers.  You cannot give more than your life to prove your devotion.  Again, we don’t have to rewrite history.  But we do need to seek truth and recognize what may have been left out or not emphasized correctly.  Were Lewis and Clark still amazing explorers who contributed to our country?  Yes.  Were they also sinners, in need of reform?  Absolutely. Were there others who should have been honored and remembered like York and Sacajawea? Definitely. This is just one example, but learning to dig for truth in our history is important.

As we move forward, I pray that we will continue to do the work that Abraham Lincoln spoke of in the Gettysburg Address; That we would “be dedicated here to the unfinished work which they who fought here have thus far so nobly advanced”… and “to the great task remaining before us” of loving and respecting our black brothers and sisters well, and working towards laws in our land that will accomplish this.