I was struggling first of all with sorrow for Joseph's pain. Edith said after a few days that he was doing a little bit better but he was mad at her specifically. She is the one who'd driven with him home and away from us. He would smile and be accommodating to the other workers and the nannies at Home of Hope but when she would come around he wouldn't smile at her and he would ignore her. In the past, she would be the one he would clamor for attention for when she came by. He cried when he saw her and she said if anyone asked him about his trip he would cry. He is very aware of all that is happening. It was pretty heartbreaking. And I know it was hard for Edith to see that he is mad at her and doesn't fully understand why. In some ways - neither did we.
I was also just having a hard time getting back into life in general in the first few days. Thinking about us being in our cozy home with family around and our good life made me sad for Joseph. He is cared for well at Home of Hope but every child needs a family and Edith does her best, but with 70 children now, she is limited as to individual care. Once again I was also struggling some with the work it will take to care for Joseph and the limits we would have on some of our freedoms - as is true with any child, especially when they are first born and welcomed into the family.
But God did an interesting thing in my heart this week. The first few days I wrestled anxiety, but the more I thought about Joseph, the more I could picture him in our living room, with all of us around, helping him, and delighting in his smiles and the girls' excitement in seeing him. I thought about all of the hands that will be available to love and serve in feeding him and carrying him around. In addition to our own family and extended family, we have received some wonderful help from DDA with Vivien. We love her caregiver Rhianna who comes in a few days a week. She is amazing with Vivien, really loves her and is always ready with a smile.
I felt like I could picture all of this and I remembered shortly after Lucie was born going through a very difficult season of insomnia and anxiety. It was a combination of a lot of things that brought it on, but the bottom line was that at the time, I felt overwhelmed by three kids and unable to handle life well especially with not sleeping. I may have shared this before, but a friend of mine who is slightly older than me, with older kids had posted about her family and home and how cosey it was and thankful she felt. At the time, I'd told God that I knew that it wasn't a change in my circumstances I needed. I needed a change in perspective. Instead of seeing my home and kids as this place of endless work and serving and exhaustion - I needed to see it as a cozy place of beauty and family. He truly did that in my life. Coming home totally evokes that in me - and now there are more kids and more work than there was then.
I felt like He was reminding me of this with Joseph. Caring for him in Africa would be a completely different thing than caring for him at home. I love him, but I was afraid of the work and yet - I had felt the same way when I was going through my period of anxiety. I had felt that about Vivien. In both of these cases God didn't take away my kids - but he did change my perspective. I love being with my family and it is work - but not a burden. His yoke is easy. I felt like this truth became stronger in my heart this week. Even in the few days that I was home, my desire to bring Joseph home became stronger than it had been the last time. I know God has a purpose in everything and even this difficult denial of our visa was producing in me more desire for Joseph, and a perspective of joy and beauty in what our future would be like with him. I could picture the homeyness of having him here with all of us and the delight in our family and relationship with him. Some of the fear of what it would be like went away and I could see that God was helping my heart to love him even more.
By Thursday and Friday I was feeling better and more hopeful. Myriam our adoption agent was pretty upset about what happened with the embassy. She is a bit of a bulldog and communicated with the Department of State who is head over the embassy. We were waiting to hear back their response when she called me mid-week and told me that she finally spoke with her contact there. He basically said that what happened shouldn't have happened and they believed we would have a quick and positive solution soon. We weren't holding our breath knowing how government works.
But Thursday night at 10:30pm as I was just falling asleep my phone rang with a whats-app call. I stirred and saw that it was from Edith, who never calls unless there is something really important. She said that she got a call from the embassy asking her if we had left the country yet. When she told them that we had, they told her that they would email us. I wondered what was going to happen. As we hung up, I checked my email with some anticipation but didn't see anything. I knew I needed sleep as I was still trying to get used to the time change and was able to drift off, but woke up early at 5:00 am and immediately checked my email.
The note from the embassy said this:
Mr. and Mrs. Merry,
We have some good news. Despite the delay which we know was unexpected, the Ministry of Gender has agreed to support the application of the exceptional circumstances in your case. We will therefore proceed with issuing your child’s visa at your earliest convenience. Please communicate with us when you are ready and we will do everything possible to facilitate a quick visa issuance process.
I wanted to wait and talk with Myriam and Todd before I gave a response but I knew that they are 11 hours ahead of us and if I responded right away asking questions and talking about details, it was possible that they would get it before business hours ended and the weekend started. Weekends are frustrating because I had already been checking airfare and I knew that if we flew out next week, the prices were quite a bit less than the following week as it was getting closer to Christmas but I wanted some assurance before we bought any tickets. I also knew that because of the time it takes to Uganda and the 2 days we would need to get the visa processed, the latest we could get there would be on a Wednesday. If I didn't fly out in the next couple of days, we would have to wait another full week. I responded quickly but then wondered if I should have done it without consulting with Myriam and Todd as well. I emailed Myriam and then tried to wait patiently, reading my Bible and trying to calm my anxious thoughts about all that needed to get done if I were to fly out quickly.
Eventually Todd woke up and I showed him the email. Friday was a full day of strategizing, making plans and figuring out what we were going to do. Even though I'd e-mailed quickly I ended up getting an automated response that they were out for the weekend, unfortunately. Myriam said though that she felt like the email gave us enough assurance that we could go ahead and book the tickets and we figured out the window we would need to be able to get to the embassy by Wednesday so they could process the passport and the visa paperwork before the week was out and we finally settled on flying out Monday and flying back Friday evening with Joseph. We got the tickets just before our travel agent went home on Friday.
Friday was full of figuring logistics out, booking the flights and hotel, making arrangements with Edith as to when she would bring Joseph. We were hopeful that she could bring him Friday right before we flew out, as having him earlier at the hotel would be more difficult if we needed to travel back and for the to the embassy. In addition to this, Edith's daughter was graduating Thursday, which was an important event for her and I didn't want her to have any conflict with that.
Silas's reaction to traveling again was basically groaning. He was happy that we were going to get Joseph but the hours on the plane for him was pretty brutal. However, when I asked him if he wanted me to take Maggie instead I got an immediate no. He was up for it, but we were both not really feeling recovered from the last time.
Thankfully Todd was home both Friday and Saturday. I went for a run Saturday morning and as much as I hate running, it was one of those times when it actually felt good. My body had been so stressed and it was actually helpful. I can use my mind to tell myself that everything is going to be fine, but I could feel the anxiousness in all of my muscles and even my breathing. My brain was foggy and I was trying to think about all the details to remember but I was doing funny things that didn't make sense. I remember going to the computer to print out the airline information and looking down at the desk and seeing that I'd just printed it out already - but I was trying to do it again. Saturday afternoon most of the paperwork part was done and I was able to physically start packing again. Thankfully, I'd set aside Joseph's clothes and diapers and things I'd packed before to be ready to repack again, knowing that it could be short or long but I wanted to be ready. I'd also kept my backpack full of things that I knew I'd need again instead of putting it all away.
Sunday morning was awful. Todd went to work and thought I was almost done packing, there were still some details that needed to be straightened out and I had some more to do. I woke up and realized something that totally freaked me out. Our visas for entering the country last time were good for 21 and 25 days respectfully. I don't know why they gave me 25 and Silas 21 but I figured we couldn't reapply online because our old ones hadn't expired yet. The problem was, that because we were coming home and going back to quickly Silas's would expire while we were there. Mine would expire the day after we were to leave. I wasn't sure how the Ugandan visa office would respond to this and I really did panic about it. Especially when we put "tourism" on the visa and I wondered if we'd have to explain all of the adoption issues. Adoption is very controversial in Uganda and there are those who are pro and those who are anti adoption. It made me very worried about explaining why we left the country and were coming back in. I woke up with this vise grip in my chest just thinking about it. I was already tired and stressed and this just added to my worry.
Todd left and getting all the kids ready for church can be an event in itself. The older do help but that morning I was tense and short with them and just felt like every part of my body was shaky. I had to ask forgiveness - and so did they when we finally got in the car. Silas wisely said that this was probably partly just the enemy trying to attack us because of this adoption and I know that he was right. I am thankful for kids who forgive me and apologize themselves also.
We had shared the news on Facebook that we were going back and many were congratulating us and telling us they were praying for us, but when I saw my friend Serena all the tension me turned to tears and as I explained to her about the visa I broke down and pretty much had a meltdown. She and another friend Donna were so sweet and prayed for me on the spot, that God would work out the details and give me peace in my body.
I still felt like I wasn't thinking quite clearly. After dropping Viven off at the nursery, I went to the bathroom, looked in the mirror and found Vivien's name tag on my sweater, up by my shoulder,.instead of on her. I had no recollection of putting it there. I also put her pager in my purse instead of leaving it out by my side so I could hear it like I normally do. The amazing lady who consistently volunteers, cares.for and knows how to feed Vivien paged me to no avail for the forgotten extension to Vivien's food bag and I had to apologize afterwards.
But as He often does when we are at a low spot, He spoke to me through His Word. The sermon was about how Moses, when he was leading the people of Israel, was tired and frustrated. God gave him other people who came around him to help him with the job he was doing. This verse stood out to me:
Numbers 11:17 And I will come down and talk with you there. And I will take some of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them, and they shall bear the burden of the people with you, so that you may not bear it yourself alone.
Even this morning, with friends coming around and praying for me, offering meals and help driving the kids, encouraging texts and support, I felt like God was helping us not to bear this alone, just like the verse says. My sister brought by headphones for Joseph to use on the plane and we have had so many offers of encouragement. God continues to talk with us, give us His Spirit and help us. In addition to this, I know that we will continue to be supported in the future with Joseph. We are not alone and He reminded me of this. And His spirit is with us, strengthening and helping us. Todd also had some encouraging scriptures this week, about entering the promised land and what God has ahead for us. We know that it is a good land and that He is trustworthy. My anxiety wasn't gone but I appreciated His Word for me.
Coming home after church I called Myriam to troubleshoot the expiring visa issue. I had emailed the hotel, letting them know that it might take awhile at the airport because of the visa issue and I actually got an answer that gave me huge relief. Steven, the hotel manager reminded me that when we exit the country the visa expires because it is a single entry visa. It was a huge load off my mind because it just meant that we could apply when we came into the country and the unexpired visas would not be a problem. You can apply online or when you arrive and though applying when you arrive takes longer, it's just a matter of convenience to do online. Thankfully it should be an easy process and Todd has done it before. I felt like I could breathe again after we realized this.
Maggie and Silas both had a couple things going on Sunday but other than that I laid low and worked on packing. Finally at around 8:00 at night Sunday night I was completely done and felt caught up. We were leaving the next morning at 10, we'd let everyone we needed to know, all of the hotel and flight plans were in place. I did have a hard time falling asleep but I got a little more than a solid six, which I can survive on. I woke up from a lovely dream of being at the beach with friends Monday morning and I almost didn't know where I was it was so real and comfortable. The anxiousness about the trip took over for a minute when I first woke up out of my happy dream, but I told myself that all the details were in place and God had brought everything together. It was going to be ok. I checked my email immediately and found out for sure that from the embassy that we could bring the passport by Wednesday at 11:00am and Joseph didn't need to be there.
We said goodbye to the family and I felt fairly optimistic as I looked forward to some hours or resting, writing and journaling on the plane and the plan we had in place for the week. I posted this on Facebook.
I've had the song Mamma Mia in my head this morning because well... Here we go again... We are thankful that the approval for the Visa has come but yesterday morning I had a major meltdown at church because of so many details that were not coming together like I had hoped but things have gotten straightened out. I am thankful to God for so friends who pray for me when I'm crying and bring meals and send texts and offer to help. Serena Harkless I am taking about you and so many others! Nothing like packing and planning for an international trip with two days notice. Yesterday was a great sermon by Jesse Campbell about how God brought alongside others to help Moses in the work he was doing. This verse really stood out to me. Num 11:17 "And I will come down and talk with you there. And I will take some of the Spirit that is on you and put it on them, and they shall bear the burden of the people with you, so that you may not bear it yourself alone." God reminded me that we are not alone. We have felt supported by so many people in this endeavor. Todd and I have both felt like this adoption process has been a huge burden. We are excited to have Joseph now but the process itself has been one of the most difficult things ever. Yet we have had so much support and love from everyone and I am thankful. I also feel like I am even more excited and happy to bring Joseph home than I was the last time. I think the recent craziness of the Visa denial has really made my heart want him even more seeing his pain and causing me to think about what it's going to be like to have him in our living room surrounded by all of our kids and the love and happiness of a family. I feel like God has and will continue to grow my love for him and He has used even what has happened recently to do this. I am excited to see his smile again soon. I know I'm writing a book here but lastly can I tell you how much I love Silas? I love traveling with this boy. We have the same sense of humor and we are always making each other laugh at subtle things we see. Somehow he sees things other people don't and points them out and keeps me laughing. I love his laid-back joking and how he pranks me on the plane by pulling my headphone jack out .....and his genuine love for Joseph and willingness to go , even when it's hard. He was not excited about hours more of flying but when I asked him if he wanted Maggie to go instead there was a resounding no. He is a trooper and I'm so thankful for him. So here we go! Thanks for all the prayers.
We are now traveling across the world to Amsterdam and then on to Enbtebbe. I am going to write to my heart's content. I can blog, journal, finish our Christmas letter Todd started, work on a talk for an upcoming women's group early next year, and work on the book I am writing about Vivien. I am trusting God and looking forward to Joseph's happy face, a reunion at home with the rest of the family, and it being complete with Joseph for the first time, hopefully before the week is out. We may or may not run into more surprises good or bad, but I am trusting God with whatever happens, knowing He is good and He has a good plan.
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