Tears, Guilt, Comparison and Freedom

I have been meaning to write this post for a while. Originally it was just going to be a long(er) status update on Facebook, reminding mamas to trust God and not compare themselves or let voices in their heads make them feel inadequate. But I realized what I have to say doesn't just apply to mamas. And again, I always have trouble with brevity so it ended up being a blogpost. This isn't specifically an update about Vivien although part of it is a result of life with a baby who has special needs. I know I wrote a bit about this in our Christmas letter, but I am expanding on this here.

About a month ago we hired a couple lovely girls from our co-op to help out with some of the home schooling a few hours a week. When we made the decision to do it, I cried. Pretty hard actually. I felt totally overwhelmed with guilt. I struggled with thinking "I am failing my kids and Todd". I worried about what other more capable, efficient, hardworking people than I would think. Todd does almost all of the home schooling and my mom takes the oldest four once a week and home schools them. Todd's mom comes once a week to help teach, serves at co-op and also brings them to co-op when Todd is working. I was doing very little in the area of teaching. But we were still feeling a overwhelmed and behind between schooling, piano Awana and home life with Vivien. I struggled with the decision because of accusing voices in my head asking me why, when we have so much help, should I even be thinking about asking for more!? I also felt guilty thinking about the homeschooling mamas who wish they had the resources to hire some help and can't. Why should I do this when others may not be able to?

Yet after I had my cry, I realized that the enemy is known as the "accuser". These voices of accusation were not from me, or from God. And after I got used to the idea, I realized that I was believing some lies about myself and others. I needed to allow God to remind me of what is true. True not just for me, but for everyone. We all need to make choices to not allow comparison or guilt to crowd out rejoicing and delighting in the gifts God has given us. We need to be ok with letting things go that God isn't requiring of us.

I love my kids, I love having them home, but I don't love teaching academics. I felt like I was neglecting so many other things that needed to be done. I know many who home school would argue that they don't love it either but they do it anyway out of love for their kids. The truth is, I want my kids home and I hope and believe that if I needed to home school and Todd wasn't interested in doing so, I would do what God called me to. But my life would look different and I would also home school differently than Todd does. When it comes to education there are so many options. Public school, private school, home school, co-ops, school by video and even two or 3 day a week schools.

Hiring these sisters has helped take some of the burden off Todd. It has given me freedom to actually go to a Ladies Bible study twice a month and spend a little time on my writing. It lets me be a mom not a teacher of academics. It lets me focus on teaching my children spiritual, emotional and relational truths. I love taking them when they have interpersonal issues or conflicts instead of Todd having to deal with that. I love having them home with us. I would miss them so much if I sent them to public or private school, although I truly respect others who do so. But given the opportunity to not have to teach them math or science or reading has been wonderful. Academics bring me zero joy. And at the end of the day Todd loves it. It's hard work but he loves it. He loves connecting with them, watching them learn and grasp concepts and he is incredibly good at it.

I know mamas who have more kids than me, home school, cook healthy meals, keep the household running smoothly and truly are amazing. I have no idea how they do it. I was recently talking to a friend who seems to "do it all". She told me she didn't know how she did it either.  But the odd thing is, recently I have had some other friends in various times and ways, say the same thing about me.  I want to be quick to correct them.  I don't do it all.  Some mamas do all the things mentioned above and have kids with special needs. I don't even cook (much). I provide dinner for my family every night but not without help from Sam's Club, Cash and Carry or my sister Anna (who gave me freezer meals as my Christmas present -oh yeah! Her joy, her gifts and talents do involve cooking.) But at the same time, I wanted some margins in my life. There are seasons of life for different freedoms. I also know that many moms with large homeschooling families rely on older girls from other families or older siblings to help with the schooling as well.   The truth is, that I was comparing myself to others I thought were more capable than me, and at the same time they were comparing themselves to me.  We need to stop apologizing for doing what God has called us to do.  We also need to be willing to let go of some things.

Sometimes it is ok to think outside the box. If you really don't like certain parts of your life, it's time to re-evaluate what you are doing, based on what gives you joy, as well as the gifts and talents God has given you. Be willing to ask, "do I have to do this and is God calling me to this?" Sometimes we do and sometimes He is. When Vivien was born, and we realized she was going to live, we were so grateful. At the same time, her care truly takes lots of time. I remember when I "campaigned" for another baby, reminding Todd that it was only 2 or 3 more years of the really hard work. At about 2-3 years they start to feed themselves, get out of diapers, walk without needing to be carried, grow out of naps etc. I was looking forward to being done after our "one more", even though I would miss the little years.

 With Vivien, we may be in those years for a very long time. She is tube fed, in diapers, can't even sit up on her own, with numerous therapists and doctors appointments and at this point, we can only leave her in someone else's care for a few hours at a time. She is healthy, happy and on no medication, but she does still require lots of work and probably will for a long time.

Hiring these lovely ladies may be a small thing, but both Todd and I have been grateful for that decision of an extra 4 hours a week. He told me he recently how glad he was that we did it. Our kids are blessed by these girls and they laugh a lot with them. I am not doing any home schooling (hardly) but I am getting to things that I have felt irresponsible in neglecting. The bills are actually caught up, the house is getting more organized and "stuff" is getting purged and I've even written a little study for women. I am taking time to write and do things I love. I am spending time doing other things than school with my kids and just enjoying them.

The church we are attending has plenty of home-schoolers, but also plenty of those who have chosen private or public school as well. I see godly families who are trying to obey God and the important thing is that they connect with their kids and are obedient to the Word to disciple and love and lead them. It is a good reminder not to compare my life with yours. If we love Jesus, we serve Him and are accountable to Him. It is so easy to pass judgment on others - and even ourselves. Romans 14:4a says "Who are you to pass judgment on the servant of another? It is before his own master that he stands or falls."

In asking "What brings me joy in what I do? What has God made me for? What are my gifts and talents?" we become more of who God wants us to be. Sometimes we have to do hard things and we can't get out of them. But other times, God may be allowing us to not enjoy something because He wants us to be creative and do something different than what we are doing right now. He wants us to do what we were made for. Again, this doesn't mean we don't at times have to buckle down and do the difficult things. If He is calling you to home school, He will give you grace to do it - with the gifts and talents He has given you. But if He opens a door and gives you an idea, be willing to walk through it and let go of the "you shoulds" and the guilt of comparison.

When it comes to your kids education, are you struggling with homeschooling vs. private school but can't quite swallow the costs? Ask him if He wants you to hire someone to come in two days a week and help so you are not teaching 5 days a week, but not carrying the cost of full time private school for all your kids. Are you thinking about public school but worried about connecting with your kids and some of the dangers? Ask Him if He wants them to go. If He does, volunteer in the classroom several days a week and don't be afraid to be "that mom" who is totally involved. Ask the Holy Spirit - "what do you want me to do in my responsibility to protect, love, disciple and lead my kids, helping them to grow in the nurture and admonition of the Lord?" Do the hard things, but also be willing to trust Him completely if he leads you into an area you didn't expect and then let go of the guilt.

Please don't read this and say, "I am inspired to stop homeschooling because it's too hard and I don't like academics either." If you do, you've missed the point. I still do a lot of things I don't love. James 1:4 in the Message Bible says, "So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way." Just the fact that Scripture says this shows us that we can prematurely get out of things that God is trying to teach us and it's not a good idea. Do read this post and ask the Holy Spirit with a surrendered heart, "Am I living in the freedom You have for me or am I putting rules on myself because of comparison rather than because of listening to You?" One of my favorite authors says, "Wisdom is knowing what to hold on to and what to let go".

This principle doesn't just apply to education. It applies to every area of your life. Your job (in the workplace or at home), your calling, your service your activities all need to pass through the grid of the Holy Spirit's leading. Let Him give you freedom in these areas.

As long as you are completely obedient to the Holy Spirit in what you do, you can trust Him. He has equipped you with certain gifts and talents and things that give you joy. The enemy wants you to follow the rules or principles of whatever culture you are in without question. Rules that you put on yourself - not just in your children's education - but in every area. The people that Jesus warned most strongly against, and had the harshest words for were those who put burdens on people's backs that He never put on them. The twisted part of this was - these people did this in the name of God, falsely representing who God was. But sometimes your greatest enemy - the one who puts the most burdens on you - is yourself. You listen to accusation or guilt instead of walking in freedom.

Jesus says, "My yoke is easy, and my burden is light." It doesn't mean that there is no yoke or no burden. But He does not give a yoke that is too difficult. Sometimes God puts us into difficult or uncomfortable situations (a child you love deeply with big medical needs - hello?!?!) because He wants us to lean on Him. But the yoke or burdens HE gives us will be light. But other times, when something seems too hard, it may just be that He wants us to throw off the burden put on us by that pharisaical voice, including our own.   Matthew 23:4  "They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people’s shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger."

The truth is often we would rather complain about our life than do something to change it.  It is easier to assume that you "have to" do what you are doing than to figure out ways to walk in more freedom. There is sometimes a pride in working hard and doing something we hate, saying to ourselves, "Look how hard I work. Look at what I can handle," but in the meantime are not really living in the freedom Jesus wants us to. The result is that enemy then has the ability to whisper "look how hard Jesus has made your life and how mean He is" when it's not something Jesus wants you to carry. Jesus says "I have come that you might have life, and that you might have it abundantly." Don't let the frequency that this verse is quoted, or the pasted-smile-on-the-face of the person who sometimes says as a pat answer it negate the value that you place on Jesus' words here. They are true, Biblical and last but not least, red letter verses.

 Abundant means superior (in quality); excessive; preeminence: exceeding abundantly above, more abundantly, advantage, , very highly, beyond measure, more, superfluous, vehement. His purpose in coming was to give us this kind of life.

I believe that He wants us to walk in this freedom. Without comparison. Without guilt. In John 21, Peter struggled with comparison. Jesus was calling Him to difficult things but also specific things for His church. Peter asked, "what about this man?" referring to John. Jesus response was "...what is that to you? You follow me!"

Trust Jesus and do what He has called you personally to do. Ask Him what His will for you is and what it looks like for you to personally live in His freedom, under His "light yoke" and choose the life He is calling you to.