.He has also done something special with regard to each one of my girls. The first time I heard Lisa, God spoke to me quite a bit specifically about Maggie, and how to love and parent her well, in some very practical ways.
In addition to this, at that conference, I stood for prayer and Lisa came down into the audience (of about 500 or so at the time) and laid hands on my stomach and prayed for me. She had no idea that I’d had a miscarriage a few months before, or that exactly one year from the day she prayed for me, laying her hands on my womb, I would go into labor with Lucie. The conference was on “Nurture” and I knew that God’s hand was in the timing, especially when all of my babies came early but Lucie was 9 days late. Coincidence? No. Just Jesus.
When I was pregnant with Iva, God showed His sense of humor. Todd and I had decided on her first name, but not a middle name. Since God had used Lisa as a mentor in many ways in my life, I told Todd I was interested in finding out Lisa’s middle name to see if it would work for Iva’s middle name. Todd hesitated, telling me that he wanted it to be a “J” name with one syllable like Maggie June and Lucie Joy. You can imagine my surprise and delight when I found out that Lisa’s middle name was “Jo” (coincidence again?) and asked Todd about it without telling him (at first) that it was Lisa’s middle name. He went for it and we loved the meaning behind it – Jehovah increases. Thus, Iva Jo was christened.
So you can imagine that after finding out about Vivien, I was looking forward with some expectancy to hearing what God had to say through Lisa when I found out that she was speaking up in Arlington a few weeks ago.
First of all, Lisa talked about how we are entering a season as believers, where we need to ask Jesus questions about things that we don’t know anything about. She talked about needing the Holy Spirit’s direction like we never have before. We don’t know what is in store, but we do know that the Holy Spirit has the answers and that when we ask for wisdom, God will give it to us (Jas 1:5). This spoke to me about Vivien and all of the medical needs she will have that we truly know nothing about. We can research and study, we can ask doctors, but Jesus knows her little body more than we do and we can trust Him to reveal to us what needs to happen.
It’s funny how Holy Spirit doesn’t always work in ways we expect, and while I did expect to hear from Him about Vivien, it was a little different than I thought. It is hard for me to put into words in a way that won’t be misunderstood, but I will do my best. The Holy Spirit spoke to me to be careful to not make my life consumed by the difficulties, and work of Vivien’s care but instead to make her a part of our family life and the community and ministry we already have. I know that it is going to take an astounding amount of work to find a new normal if Vivien lives. I also know that at the beginning it will probably be an all-consuming task and that our life will be put on hold for a little while. And while we are definitely planning to focus on her care, I could see how it would be easy to become consumed in the tasks of caring for Vivien in a way that is unhealthy.
I felt like the Holy Spirit spoke to me that there was danger in defining our family and life by Vivien’s handicaps, instead of bringing her into our family and community, letting her be loved and cared for and a part of who we already are. I could see how my heart could be so wrapped up in her that I don’t make my other children, my husband or my community a priority. I could see how that would look almost noble and right – and yet, it would not be. I could also see how fear of missing something medically, or doing something wrong might make me crazy. It could make me feel like if I let go of control for a minute, something terrible might happen. Fear could connect me to Vivien in an unhealthy way. It could also define our family’s life. It would be easy to withdraw and become completely focused on our own family and almost use Vivien as an excuse to not be involved in life and ministry and community. I understand that my family and Vivien are a part of ministry. Loving and serving my family and Vivien are of course a way that I minister, but I could see how my focus could become myopic where Vivien and our family could become all I see instead of having a broader vision.
I started asking Jesus what this would look like practically - to still follow His calling and ministry in community and care for Vivien well at the same time. How could we practically care for her medically doing all we can to support her life, being vigilant to be her advocate – while at the same time not making her care be borderline idolatrous and all consuming?
After going to the conference I wrote in my journal. “Lord – I am just asking You for supernatural help to love her well and in balance and in a right way, where You are first, where I don’t grasp for control, don’t live in fear, while at the same time, am not lazy or irresponsible.”
Both Todd and I have been very involved in community, leading Bible Studies and serving at our church. We love that this is part of our purpose and calling. While we know that our time with Vivien could be very short, we also know that we need to look at possible years of long term, involved care for Vivien. In thinking about this, both of us have been asking God what ministry and service look like. We have always had a burning desire to be used by God for His work and glory. Our time and our life is not our own. If we are supposed to take good care of Vivien how does that work? Since this has all happened, does ministry and service outside of our family become impossible?
In hearing the Holy Spirit say to still be involved in community and ministry, I felt a bit overwhelmed. I sometimes feel like life is already exhausting enough. Thinking about caring for Vivien, while still being engaged outside of our family just felt like a huge mountain to climb. Even as I asked this, I felt like Jesus spoke to my heart that if He is asking us to do this, He will give us the grace to do it still and ensure that she is well cared for. He loves her more than we do, and if we listen to Him, we will not neglect her. Since then He reminded me of a verse that He gave me years ago. Deut 30:11 “For this commandment that I command you today is not too difficult for you, nor is it out of reach.” What Jesus asks us to do will not be too difficult. His yoke is easy and that His burden is light (Mt 11:30). It is truly possible in the right way, to be absolutely committed to Vivien, while still being able to serve others well.
As Lisa spoke, she talked about how what seems like opposition (from the enemy) God actually turns around and begins to use in our life for His glory. Yes, Vivien’s 3rd chromosome was not God’s original plan because sin came into the world and the curse appeared. But again, Jesus has redeemed us from the curse. I actually began to see how Jesus can use what happens in Vivien’s life to glorify Himself by, matching it with our purpose and calling in ministering and serving others. How amazing is that that Jesus can make beautiful and redeem what the enemy means for evil? We will get to enjoy her and love her and STILL carry out His plan in by blessing other people with our journey. What an incredible tapestry Jesus weaves for us. I felt like I caught a vision for what He could do through Vivien’s life, no matter how long or short. I’ve even wondered if this blog will be a small part of putting that together. Wondered if all of you who are reading it will join us on our journey and be ministered to, in the same way we are being ministered to by Jesus.
Jesus confirmed what He had spoken through a couple of ways. First of all, I did get to have a chance to talk with Lisa while there. She was so sweet when she heard my story. She spent time talking with me, praying for Vivien and for Todd and for our ministry together. When I told her what Jesus was impressing on me about serving Him and others well while still caring for Vivien and how I was a bit overwhelmed and scared about what that would look like and the work it would take, her confident response was, “It will be organic.” I loved how she put it and felt so encouraged that He is going to use Vivien’s life to glorify Himself while loving and caring for her through us. Ministry will include Vivien, our family and others in a way that He will naturally blend together.The second way was through Todd. When I went home and told him some of the things that the Holy Spirit was saying to me, he told me that God had been telling him the same thing. He had been convicting him about sometimes thinking, “With all that we are going through, it’s OK to pull back from others and from caring well for them.” We both understand that our life is going to look very different, and that especially at the beginning we may need to cut some things out and find our new normal. But it doesn't mean that we cannot be involved in family, in community and in doing life and ministry together, loving and serving those around us and caring for our children in a balanced way as well.
Both of us felt like Jesus was showing us how He can be glorified, and we can still have joy in loving and serving Vivien well, while at the same time being fully involved in the calling and purpose He has for us. It was a powerful reminder that He is in control and that he is already planning and infusing Vivien’s life with the life we already have – in a way that will be organic and beautiful.
I wasn’t expecting to hear this from the Holy Spirit. I thought it would be more specifically about Vivien’s care, or maybe even more of how He wants me to deal with everything spiritually and emotionally – not necessarily about ministry. But I love that He spoke. There is nothing quite like hearing from the Holy Spirit and then knowing that He will empower us to follow His leading in what He says. I am so grateful that He continues to speak to both Todd and I on this journey.
1 comment:
Beautiful Molly!
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