Risky Business... What exactly is faith?

Recently I had a couple of different friends approach me about a shower for Vivien. At first I was hesitant, knowing that , after 3 girls, I certainly didn't have a lot of needs from a practical standpoint as far as baby things and clothes. I was also hesitant because truly we don’t know for sure if Vivien will even make it home from the hospital. But my friend insisted that she wanted to be able to celebrate Vivien and so I agreed. We want to plan for her life, not just her death so we moved forward. The girls from my community group at church are planning on a shower for me as well. Once again I feel so incredibly loved and supported by family and friends.

So a few days ago I got to experience a lovely shower with close friends and family. My friends truly blessed me with food, fellowship, prayer, gifts and beauty. They gave me a book with prayer and Scripture for Vivien as well as sweet preemie clothes and gifts. These are women I have known for many years and whose kids have grown up with mine.

One of the sweetest parts was the prayer time. Maggie sat beside me, and as soon as everyone started praying, she began to cry softly into my chest, thinking about the possibility of Vivien dying and really struggling. I love that we are surrounded by friends who love Jesus, and whose children love him too. Their daughters prayed for Maggie with tears, praying for her comfort, and help and peace. There was not a dry eye in the room. I left feeling incredibly blessed and supported not only for myself, but for my girls as well. I love that Maggie has these beautiful lifelong friendships, most of whom she has known since infancy.

That evening though, I had a couple of very strong emotional responses to the day that surprised and actually confused me. First of all, I felt overwhelmed with a deep sense of grief and sorrow. The peace that God has brought hasn’t been manufactured, but real and most of the time I am able to move forward with trust and optimism. It felt odd, that after such a beautiful time, with so much support from friends, that I would feel this way.

The second feeling I was experiencing was also confusing to me. I felt for some reason, incredibly vulnerable. Like I’d been stripped bare and naked in front of a crowd. It was almost a sense of shame. I felt so incredibly open to disappointment and a bit foolish.

Right away I took this to God and began to ask Him what in the world was going on. Why was I feeling this way? It didn’t make any sense after such an amazing day filled with so much love and support from family and friends. When I ask Jesus questions I truly expect to experience answers, both for what I see in my life and my friends’ lives, especially then they make no sense to me.

He didn't disappoint, and the first answer came almost immediately. One of my close friends who had been at the shower had given me a book several months ago called “Beautiful Battlefields” by Bo Stern. She speaks of the fight of faith, and how we will all encounter battlefields. Her husband had been given a terminal diagnosis with ALS or Lou Gehrig’s disease. I was reading it like I pretty much read all books, - propped up on the back of the sink. I never sit down and read a book, but I multitask while doing my hair or getting ready for the day or night. It may take a couple of months, but I go through many books this way. I was praying as I was brushing my teeth and asking Him for an answer, my eyes rested on the book and I began to read. The author made the point that sorrow and loss are often mixed with joy. She writes, “These moments of pure joy must be lived fully because they are the oil that softens the suffering. Joy that shows up in the head of battle is one of the most beautiful things I have ever known. I’m so glad I stopped believing it was impossible. “

At the beginning I felt like Vivien’s diagnosis was all grief, but then God changed my perspective to joy and most of the time, I do feel peace. I can laugh and have these “moments of joy” as she talks about. But then there are the times like this evening, when again I am overwhelmed by grief. The author spoke of this as completely normal, this mixture of joy and sorrow. She writes, “The idea of letting in some real, true joy began warming my sad heart like sunlight streaming through an open window on a winter’s day. I started to embrace the happy moments for what they could bring into my life without letting the sad moments steal away their beauty. At first I almost felt guilty, like the little kid who laughs inappropriately at a funeral. But as I pointed out earlier, I am discovering through the Word and through experience that joy and sorrow are not mutually exclusive emotions. Both are hidden treasures found on the battlefield. I used to think that sorrow eradicated all joy… The Bible however, does not support this idea. Instead it insists that joy and sorrow can comingle in ovely ways, bringing balance to life and hope to our healing.”

It was no surprise to God that after a day of joy, I should experience some waves of grief at the same time. This is ok, this is normal and I felt His assurance to let myself feel it, trusting Him with both the grateful happiness I’d felt earlier and the sorrow I was feeling at that moment. Vivien’s diagnosis is not “good”, it is not joyful or happy and it is ok and right to sorrow over this.

While we know that God works all things together for good, we need to be careful to not call something “good” that God doesn’t declare good. Sin and sickness have always been part of the curse. Vivien’s condition is not “good” but I can trust God that He is going to redeem what is not good. (Rom 8:28) I can thank God, not that Vivien has T-18 necessarily, but for the good that He is going to do through this. I’m glad that we are to give thanks in all circumstances, but we don’t have to be thankful for all things (I Thess 5:18). We have the ability to give thanks in all circumstances simply because of the amazing and beautiful character of our good God. Our thankfulness has to do with what He is going to do in us, or in our circumstances and how He is going to redeem one, the other or both. We don’t have to be thankful for what is evil or call it “good” or a “blessing”. (Is 5:20) Matthew 5 talks about how we are blessed (or happy) when things like poverty of spirit, mourning, want, and persecution come. Jesus doesn’t call these blessings, but He does say that the result of these things is blessing for us.

We sometimes see evil as coming from God and confuse this with His sovereignty. The enemy of our souls comes to steal, kill and destroy (Jn 10:10) – but for those who love God, He works it out for our good and truly gives us life. If God allows evil in our life, He will work things together for good. We can trust Him in this. This is faith – both in His character and in His ability to redeem all things.  The emotions and grief I was feeling are a part of my journey. Joy and grief will come together and it is ok to experience both with Jesus.

With the second emotion - the sense of vulnerability and shame, which was truly the most confusing to me - I kept asking.  The more I thought about it the more I felt like the Holy Spirit spoke to me about faith. Todd and I want to be realistic about the possibility that Vivien could pass away even before she is born. We have heard many stories of those whose babies with T-18 pass away in the final weeks of pregnancy. Todd has even visited a funeral home just to be prepared. While we know all this is true, both Todd and I have had a sense that she will make it past birth. My mother has felt the same thing. Sometimes I almost forget that her death in the womb is still a possibility, because I see her as living through birth. I truly don’t know if this is faith from God, or just a feeling we have all had, but there is sort of an expectation that she will live for a while. We are not sure exactly what that “while” is, but we want to plan for her life, not just her death and take seriously the long term implications of Vivien surviving and living as a special needs child.

But for some reason, after the shower I had the fleeting thought. “What if she dies before she is even born? I have all these gifts and support from friends and it would just be so weird. I would feel so foolish.” Even though intellectually, I know that my friends would understand, would not think I was presumptuous to have had the shower, for some reason, the shower itself made the future – whatever it is – more real to me and the sense of shame and vulnerability felt so strong.

As I was thinking about this, I asked Jesus if we were being presumptuous in this expectation that Vivien is going to live. In the past I have thought and philosophized and prayed so much about both the seeming tension between Sovereignty of God in a person’s life, and the exercise of faith – not just about God, but faith in Him actually doing good things in the future. About praying and asking for specific things in faith, not just a general faith in God. But it is no longer just philosophizing about what God does in other people’s lives. This hits home. My faith and trust in God is strong, but to have faith that Vivien will live is much more risky. To actually hope is scary. And what does it look like to truly have faith for Vivien to live, while at the same time, holding her with an open hand to God, saying “we trust You” whether she lives or is healed or not?

He brought me back to the definition of faith found in Hebrews 11:1 “Now faith is the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen.” That word “hope” by implication has to mean something good. You don’t hope for something that is bad. The very essence of hope is something that you want or wish for. And faith takes hope a step further. It is the assurance of what you hope for. For me, it is much less risky to say that I know that God is in control whether she lives or dies, than to actually move forward with the expectation that Vivien will live. And even if that expectation is in my head and heart, it is another thing to actually let my friends buy her gifts, clothes, a new baby monitor etc. The sense of vulnerability I was feeling, I realized, came from the thought that maybe it is somehow wrong or foolish to have this expectation that she will live, or to plan and move forward practically in that direction, even going so far as to receive this from my friends.

In addition to this, several years ago, God spoke to me about the concept of receiving. Both giving and receiving are important. Giving is better, but we need to receive both from God and others, in order to give. Sometimes being the giver feels safer and less vulnerable than receiving. I can serve and love others, but receiving can at times, be humbling because it shows that you actually need something, rather than just being the strong one. Yet receiving needs to be a part of our lives. I had received much that afternoon, and while yes, I was incredibly grateful, it was also humbling and vulnerable to receive so much.

The more I talked with God about these emotions, the more I felt like God was speaking to me again through Heb 11 that while I can trust Him and hold Vivien with an open hand, it is actually an exercise of faith to plan for her life. He was bringing me back to celebrating, expecting and hoping and having faith for LIFE for Vivien rather than death. It is not wrong to believe this way. It is wrong to be presumptive or to try to manipulate Him, but as long as my hand is open, I can have faith for her to live without needing to feel ashamed or foolish. I felt like He was saying “it is good to hope and believe and have faith for life for her.” Regardless of what happens, I need to have that expectation and belief, whether I end up looking or feeling foolish or not.

I am so grateful that whether I am feeling joy or sorrow, whether I am struggling with the risks of faith, or standing strong in trusting Jesus regardless of how foolish I may feel– He is right there, willing to answer and speak truth and love me through it. I love that He is encouraging me once again, in faith and in believing and celebrating Vivien’s life, both in and out of the womb.