Nathan Beau

We just wanted to let everyone know that we found out that our baby in heaven is a boy. We named him Nathan Beau, which means God's gift, and beautiful. We are so grateful for everyone's prayers and support. Thank you.

God's Beauty in the Loss of our Baby by Molly

I am much better at updating Facebook than I am at updating this blog, which is why I haven't even shared the news of our pregnancy here. We have just gone through a miscarriage at 15 weeks and we are grieving, but also amazed at God's beauty and love through all of this.

Many of you who are reading this have sent notes and kind words and some have brought meals. We thank you for your love and prayers. Thank you for your wonderful friendships. Here is the note I wrote in Facebook that I thought I would post here, about all that God has done in our lives through our time of loss.

God's Beauty in the Loss of our Baby

This may sound strange coming from someone who just lost their little one, but if there is one word that I could use to describe our miscarriage experience, it has been beauty. God has totally amazed us by what He has done and we want to share a little bit with you.

When I woke up early Friday morning with cramping I asked Todd to pray, called my mom and spent time curled up worrying and praying. Then as the labor began and I began to bleed, reality started setting in. You hear about miscarriages and are sorry for those who have been through them, but don’t realize the gritty, messy reality of what actually happens. I had so many conflicting thoughts – guilt “Did I cause this?” grief, confusion. Emotionally I didn’t know where to go. I Corinthians 15:56 says that the “sting” of death is sin. The pain I felt at first was a “stinging” pain. I “knew” that during this pregnancy I did not rest enough. I compared myself to other women who seemed to keep going, thought I didn’t listen to my body, by pushing myself too hard. I struggled with these thoughts that I had sinned against my baby and they stung. These were my first thoughts. But as I talked with God about it and cried out to Him in my confusion and pain, it only took a couple hours for the sting to be replaced by the ability to rest in His sovereignty, that even if I’d jumped off a cliff – He could have caused the baby to live if He chose. He replaced these thoughts with a rest and a trust in His ability to keep my baby regardless of what I had done. It was a huge relief to come to this conclusion. I saw a beauty in His powerful sovereignty…

After the baby was born, God gave us a glimpse of His beauty in our little one. Our baby was born in the little amniotic sac. We held the sac and looked at his perfectly formed body. There were little hands, feet, fingers and toes. Our baby’s face had beautiful little features. His eyes were shut, the mouth was slightly opened. He had a heart shaped chin and lovely little nose. We could even see the rib cage through his skin. We had a time together of crying and praying. We sat on the bed and thanked God for our baby, thanked God for the wonder of this little life, even at 15 weeks. It was amazing; and in the midst of pain, we saw this beauty…

We were so glad for our sacred little time together before we realized we needed to go to the hospital because I was losing so much blood. Yet even in this God’s comfort was there. Todd’s mom came over immediately and stayed with Maggie and Silas and we called 911 and headed to the hospital in the aid car. There was a point where I was near fainting and I could feel myself beginning to go. Fainting has always sounded so romantic to me in books, and yet the reality of it was far from romantic. They were trying to get IV’s into me to get some fluids into my body, but my veins were so small from losing blood that they were having difficulty. I was crying out to God and asking Him for help while my heart pounded and my whole body was covered in sweat. Todd said I was as white as a sheet. God allowed them to get the IV’s in and though they were bustling around, there was a point they gave me some painkillers and I just got to lie down, be quiet and rest. God was so good to me at this time, because I spent that rest time talking with Him, and praying. I felt so completely comforted and at peace in my grief. I often feel closest to God when He shows me truths from His Word. I’ve always wished that I could have that closeness to Him in prayer, not just from the Word. Yet at this time in the hospital bed, He showed me His beauty in prayer more than I’d ever felt. He gave me total rest and comfort, there in His presence. More beauty…

There were tests and shots and questions but eventually, Todd had to go home and get our baby. The doctor said that at 15 weeks, a miscarriage is very unusual and he’d only seen one or two people in the last ten years miscarry this far along, at my age. He told us because of the baby’s age that they would be able to do some testing on him and possibly give us a reason why this had happened and a way to prevent a miscarriage in the future. When Todd brought our baby back, my mom, who was there with me, left the room and Todd and I spent a little time with our baby for the last time. We held him and spent some more time grieving and talking with God. I was totally filled with awe at the beauty of our baby. I was grieving, but at the same time overwhelmed with gratefulness. I know that many who have miscarriages do not get to see or hold their babies and I was so grateful that we could. Todd prayed first and all I could do through my tears was thank God over and over for how beautiful our baby was, how happy he was now and how glad I was that God had given us this little life, even for a little while. More beauty….

They released me from the hospital and I came home that afternoon. It was so wonderful to come home and see our children and hold them. We gently explained to them the best we could what had happened. Later that night, Maggie prayed for dinner, and as she did she said, “And thank you that the baby is in heaven with You, God.” It was beautiful to see. That afternoon, evening, and some of the following day we spent time with our family crying, talking and praying together. We were vulnerable with them, and they were able to be vulnerable with us in their experiences as well. We felt so loved, supported and close to our family. God drew us closer in relationship with them at that time and it was wonderful. More beauty…

Every night since the miscarriage Todd and I have stayed up talking for a long time. We are so much more in love with each other, our relationship is stronger and God has brought us closer together. We feel like this has caused us to re-evaluate all of our priorities in life. Things that seemed big before no longer are important. The verse “seek first His kingdom” has been very real to us in that “all these things” that we worry about getting done or accomplishing, we can trust God to “add unto us” instead of striving. We want to love our kids, and enjoy our relationships with God and others more. We are seeing the beauty in the love we have for each other and how important relationships are. More beauty….

Saturday night a few of our closest friends came over and brought us food and flowers and love. We spent the evening talking, crying and praying together. They totally supported us, lifted us up and comforted us. Our friend Andrea shared with us that she’d had an awful dream about us a couple nights before and woke her husband Ed up and told him that they needed to pray for us. She prayed for us all that morning. When I asked her what day and time she’d woken up, we found out that it was exactly the time we were miscarrying. I remember specifically saying to myself, “I wish that we had a powerful prayer warrior like Andrea praying for our baby right now.” I don’t even remember praying it, but wishing it, and God heard my desire, even in this. He is amazing. More beauty…

The day after the miscarriage Todd and I woke up feeling like we didn’t even want to get out of bed, have breakfast and start the day. It would be further away from our baby, further away from where we held and prayed for our little one. I didn’t even want to put on my normal clothes but wanted to wear a maternity shirt. We laid in bed and cried and prayed together. But we have realized that while we can and do grieve for us – we cannot grieve for our baby. I remember as I began my time of cramping, I reminded the Lord over and over that He is the giver of life, the sustainer of life, the way the truth and the life and I asked Him to give life to our baby. Now, I realize that He has answered my prayer. I recognize that our little one has more "abundant life” than I can even imagine. Todd and I, quite honestly, are grieving for ourselves, but we cannot grieve for our baby because we know that this little child is happier than any of our earthly children will ever be this side of heaven. To wish him back would be to wish pain upon our baby. He is experiencing incredible beauty in the presence of Jesus…

In my quiet time I have been in I Corinthians and Sunday I happened to read I Corinthians 15:42-58. It was a perfect passage from God to me and I was able to list out all the things that our baby is experiencing right now. Our baby is imperishable, is glorified, is powerful, is spiritual, is a life-giving spirit, is heavenly, and bears the image of the heavenly, is changed, cannot die and is immortal and victorious. How beautiful…

I Corinthians 15:54-56 says that death is swallowed up in victory. The only “sting” of death is sin. Todd and I have seen that the grief we are experiencing is not a stinging pain, but a calm pain. It is hard to describe in words. The only “sting” in this grief, was the “sting” that I felt when I first began to miscarry and I was struggling with guilt. God has been amazingly good to us. We are still sorrowing, but have been comforted in a supernatural way. The pain is bearable and we are experiencing God in a way that surpasses understanding. Todd and I were talking about how you can say and try to believe that "God works things together for good" or that "God brings comfort and peace", but we have actually been experiencing those things and know them to be true. The grief is real and painful, but it is not a hopeless, despairing grief. We are not making light of what has happened. It seems impossible to put it into words, but the best way that we can describe it is a beautiful grief. We know that we are still at the beginning of our grief and that there will be waves that will come. We know we will have highs and lows. But we know that He will sustain and supernaturally comfort us. These past few days we have felt so close to God and sense the reality of his comfort and been on an actual relational high with God and our loved ones. We are not just “making it through this”, we are actually experiencing beauty. He is Beautiful.

Todd wrote this yesterday in his journal. This best describes what we are feeling at this time:

Our child is now in the hands of our Father, creator and sustainer of life. I know Him to be a good and loving God. I know He brings redemption, purpose and fulfillment in all situations. His acts are not random or haphazard, but He always acts with sovereign wisdom and loving mercy. Right now, I don’t understand. My heart feels heavy, my throat is tight and my eyes are dry from crying. Everything that occupied so much of my attention and thought is suddenly very minor in importance. Both successes and failures seem insignificant. What matters the most right now are the three people I love most.

We, the Merry family, believe our God to be the only Redeemer of mankind. It was out of love He sent His one and only Son, Jesus Christ, so that the sin which separated us from Him might be taken away by His atoning sacrifice. We know and have experienced Him to be a good God who acts with sovereign purpose, love and mercy toward all people in all circumstances. We endeavor to seek out the many ways He demonstrates His redemptive power. Every fallen expectation, every waning relationship, every illness, every heavy heart is able to receive hope, be strengthened, receive healing, be comforted, and even be joyful because of the redemptive power of our God through our Lord Jesus Christ. We, the Merry family, eagerly choose to live every day with the perspective that “Even this, He is able to redeem.”

Everyone has different experiences. Everyone has different difficult events, different pain, different grief. There are those who have gone through much greater pain than we have. I have not read Richard Wurmbrand’s book “Tortured for Christ”, but a friend of mine has, and he said that throughout the book, through all the horrible things Richard Wurmbrand experienced, he would say, “I have seen beautiful things”. We are not downplaying the reality of our pain and grief or the reality of others pain and grief. But we know through what God has done that His comfort and beauty is available to all. Everyone who comes to Him and receives His love can experience His supernatural beauty and peace in the midst of pain that makes no sense. His power is available to all and He is good through it all. And all we can do is stand in awe of His Beauty and be grateful.

In His Time - by Todd

“He makes all things beautiful in its time” (Ecc. 3:11). Beauty comes in time, but time doesn’t always look too beautiful. Last week, we spread 46 yards of topsoil, followed by a generous application of hydroseeding. The gentleman who spread the seeds said that as long as I follow the watering schedule, in a few weeks I’ll have a lawn that would make Cisco Morris blush. Having lived with bare dirt or dead grass and weeds for almost two years, I can only imagine the glory that will come with pushing my mower on a nice green turf.

Each day I’ve been checking for the smallest sign of growth. We are a full three days into it, and I see no need to crank up the mower. As hopeless as it may now appear, there is hope. The seeds have been sown, the water and fertilizer have been applied. As long as the sun continues to rise as it has for the past few thousand years, all the necessary elements remain.

Life is sometimes like watching a yard full of grass seed eventually come to fruition. At first, the only signs of hope reside in our mind. Yet, given time, our eyes will testify to the fact that, Yes there is growth. But it may not come at the pace we expect.

Hope may be deferred, relationships may wane, and we may fail where we expect most to succeed. Yet there is still hope. The One who causes the sun to rise does not forget His promises. We may be like Job, who cried out

“But if I go to the east, he is not there;
If I go to the west, I do not find him.
When he is at work in the north, I do not see him;
When he turns to the south; I catch no glimpse of him.” (23:8-9)

When we expect most for God to act, He sometimes holds His hand back. Why is this? When we expected Jesus to condemn the drinking of alcohol, he brings wine to the wedding. When we thought he would embrace those who were most religious, He drives them out with a whip. He doesn’t fit our box and His actions seem almost unloving at times.

For Job, his view of God was not limited to his own eyes. After desperately crying out for the hand of God to act, he concedes:

“But he knows the way I take…” (23:10)

Perhaps that is all we need; just a reminder that our troubles don’t go unheard in the heavenly realm. After all, this is the same God who saw our need for reconciliation, and sent His only Son to make a way. What more could we ask?

Better than any Movie - by Todd

Few plots move readers without the themes of sacrifice, love and justice. Why is this? What is it about a lover’s undying perseverance in pursuit of another that moves us to tears in the theaters? Why is it that when a man on the silver screen spends years searching after a lost love, women swoon with emotion and even the most stoic of men is at least challenged in the display of his affection?

It all goes back to the original story, the first story of pursuit, sacrifice and love driven to the point of death. Today, thousands walk the streets, unaware of a Lover who has paid the greatest of debts so that He may penetrate our lives, declare His love and reconcile us to a God we have chosen to push aside. In fact, not only were we ignorant of His declaration, we were enemies of God (Rom 5:10), as declared by our representative, Adam (Rom 5:14). Like a bratty child, kicking and screaming “I hate you, I hate you”, we rejected the only One able to bring hope, peace and reconciliation.

But hope was not lost. On account of our Lover’s actions, the very One we offended has reconciled us to Himself. He has pursued us to the point of death, even death on a cross so that we may not continue wandering along without meaning and purpose, but may be given a new name and declared righteous.

Upon contemplation of this moving storyline, one ransomed soul wrote “Though satan should buffet, though trials should come, let this blessed assurance control; that Christ has regarded my helpless estate and has shed His own blood for my soul”.

No matter where you are as you read this, or how desperate your situation may be, you can be assured that One has pursued you to the point of death, so that you may be given true life. Hollywood can never duplicate that.