2 Loves

I have been doing some pondering lately and what I have been pondering is pertinent to my relationship with God, my marriage, my relationship with Joseph and Vivien and the rest of my kids. Sometimes I have thought about it more in the context of Joseph and Vivien than my other kids, simply because of the amount of work that goes into caring for them.

I have been thinking about how there are 2 different kinds of love, specifically when caring for Joseph and Vivien. When we first found out about Vivien at around 22 weeks pregnant I was definitely scared. Committing to continue our pregnancy, give birth to Vivien and help

her fight for her life was a decision that was definitely birthed out of a “commitment love” for her. But after making this decision and especially after she was born my “emotional love” for her grew. There were times that I had to lean on that commitment part in taking care of her, but other times the emotional love took over and sustained all the practical things that had to be done to keep her alive.

I do remember the first time I met Joseph, at Home of Hope, amidst all the children looking at me with their big eyes. When it was bedtime and time to say goodbye to him and he began to cry and wail when I left, I definitely felt an emotional pull of love toward him. My heart went out to him.

However as we were preparing to adopt him, flying to Uganda, caring for him there, and in the first few months after adopting him, I leaned hard on the committed, action, sacrificial love. It was such hard work taking care of him, especially at the beginning that I felt almost resentful emotionally toward him though no fault of his. I had to learn not to shame myself for not feeling the emotion that I wanted to, and to sacrificially serve and love him in a committed way.

However, I knew that staying in the “sacrificial, committed, serving love” for him, without feeling the emotional, affectionate love would not serve Joseph or myself well. It was good and right to lean on the committed duty of love for a while, but being satisfied by that alone would not be right either.

The Bible talks about phileo love which is emotional, friendly and affectionate. This is what Philadelphia is named for: the city of brotherly love. Phileo is more of an emotional love. It means “to kiss someone or dote upon them” or enjoy them and “delight” in them emotionally. It is described as “affectionate”.

The Bible also talks about agape which is an action love. It is a committed love that has sometimes been described as unconditional, selfless or sacrificial. It is practical and meets practical needs.

Eros in the Greek is a word describing physical, passionate and sexual love. It’s not used at all in the New Testament although the concept is found quite a bit in the Old Testament in the context of relationship between a husband and wife and is spoken of positively.

For understanding's sake, I will refer to phileo love - as emotional love and agape love as committed love.

I have been thinking about these two kinds of love and noticing that people’s personalities seem to be bent toward one or the other in how they love people.

Some people lean on and think about and feel emotional love but struggle without the action / committed love part. Think of a husband who feels an emotional tie to his wife and says he loves her so much and verbally praises her and talks kindly, but isn’t a good provider, who doesn’t love sacrificially by being selfless and serving her and in his daily actions just proves that life is about making himself comfortable and happy.

Others lean on the committed love. Think of a wife who may be outwardly serving her husband, doing things for the home, caring for practical needs, but withholds emotional affection, ducks his kisses and is only too glad when serving the kids proves a distraction from emotional intimacy.

These are examples, although I don’t think that emotional and commitment love is always gender specific.

Over the years in observing myself and others, I have learned that we are to cultivate both kinds of love in our lives. When we begin to lean on one, champion one, pat ourselves on the back for one - while neglecting the other - we miss the full robust, beautiful love that God has for us and wants us to enjoy with Himself and others.

When I realized that I had a committed love for Joseph but was struggling with emotional love, I began to really cry out to God for wisdom in how to cultivate that emotional, affectionate love. I talked to other parents who had adopted and they helped me see that what I was experiencing was normal. I’d gotten to know my biological children over months in my womb and I had years of loving them under my belt. I hadn’t had this with Joseph and to expect it was not reasonable. The emotional love for him was something that would have to grow. They assured me that my affection for him would grow and it turned out to be true.

I focused on the verse that says, ““The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’” There was an odd comfort in knowing that when I cared for and loved Joseph, I was loving Jesus - who I did have an emotional relationship with and who I did know and love affectionately.

I also focused on the verse that says, “where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” I was trusting God that as I put the treasure of my time and effort into loving Joseph in a committed way, that God would move my heart and my affections.

God has done this and continues to do this in my love for Joseph and I am thankful. It did take time, tears and trust but I feel so much more true affection for him than I did in those early days.

Recently we were able to take a trip to Disneyland with Joseph shortly before his 11th birthday.. It was pretty high on my “do hard things list” and yet it was also so fulfilling and beautiful to see Joseph’s joy and his bond with Lucie.

Mama Edith, who runs Home of Hope was in the US for fundraising and we were able to have a big fundraiser for her, but while she was here, she was already in California fundraising with another group and we were able to bring her with us to Disneyland.

His wonderful caregiver Catie came with us, as well as Lucie and between the four of us you’d think
there would be a lot of help and there was. But it was amazing how both exhausted and happy we all were at the end and Catie summed it up well as we were pushing him and another wheelchair (long story for another time) through Disneyland. She said, “Joe - if you ever wonder if we love you - this shows it!” It was definitely a test of committed, sacrificial action love and yet I am so thankful for our time with him. I know he loved it.

The realization that we need these two loves has also been true in my relationship with Todd. Marriage needs both committed and emotional love. I find it interesting that God tells the husband to agape love his wife in Ephesians 5:25. He tells them to love with sacrifice and commitment. When God speaks to the wives, he tells them in Titus 2:4 to phileo, love their husbands, with emotion and affection.

As I said before, I don’t think this is always gender specific but I would say that in general, it is easier for a wife to love committed and a husband to love affectionately and that God knows which kind of love we would have to put more effort into as husbands or wives. It’s interesting that he doesn’t tell us to love each other with the exact same kind of love but is specific to husbands about commitment love and specific to wives about affectionate love.

I do find that when I observe marriages, there is often one who is stronger in one than the other. However, I would say that in our marriage Todd is steadier at agape - action and commitment love even when I am driving him crazy and he needs to take a breath. I am steadier at phileo love when he acts cooler to me than I’d like him to, I will warm him up with affection and emotional love. But there are times when both of us need to lean on both. There are times when Todd and I have specifically both have had to work at both committed and emotional love.

Marriages break down when a spouse judges the other by their particular form of love. They measure love by commitment because they are committed or they measure love by affection because they are affectionate, not realizing that healthy love is love with both kinds.

A man or woman who pats themselves on the back for how committed and sacrificial they are toward their spouse without showing genuine emotional affection is not cultivating a healthy marriage. Sometimes you need a season of committed love to make it through, but if you are not fighting for something more, you are not in a healthy marriage. C.S. Lewis says, “duty is a crutch for love”. At times we need a crutch, but if a crutch is our way of life we are not healthy.

In the same way a spouse who gushes emotional love for their spouse while all the while serving themselves and their needs narcissistically is not healthy either.

When Todd and I have gotten into a routine of responsibility and commitment and what sometimes feels like drudgery and endless practical tasks, we will intentionally take time to get away to cultivate that emotional love and have fun together. Being the parents of two kids with special needs, we understand action and committed love both to each other and to our family but we often need to have that boost of emotional love that encourages us.

This fall Todd and I took a few days to go to the ocean, just the two of us to celebrate Todd’s 50th birthday. The interesting thing was that in the weeks just prior to our getaway, we were definitely getting bitey and snappy toward each other. We both just felt weighed down by the tasks and responsibilities of staying committed to each other while dealing with the kids in practically caring for our family.

Taking those three days to focus on each other, enjoy each other, cultivate that emotional love and fun did something for our relationship. Instead of looking to escape the drudgery and practical chores and commitments by running away from each other - we escaped TO each other. We fed our brain with the idea that excitement and experiences and rest came by being together not separate and our experience deepened our love for each other. We came home refreshed. The experience of emotional love actually helped sustain our committed love.

Scientists talk about neurological pathways in the brain. When my brain associates a beautiful experience of affection, fun and rest and relaxation with my husband - it makes the commitment to love easier when we have to go back to the hard work and responsibilities of marriage and family. Instead of looking to escape these responsibilities by running away from the relationship with my husband and doing something fun (as can be a temptation) - I try to look to him and am intentional about taking time to make experiential and affectionate love for him a priority.

We have found that even if we don’t take days away, we do need a regular time where we enjoy loving each other outside of our practical responsibilities in order to sustain a healthy marriage. We don’t do well without times that emotionally refresh us, even if it’s a simple walk at the park away from the kids and house.

But there was also a season where commitment and duty driven love saved the day. A few years ago in our marriage Todd and I went through a season where there was a struggle with affectionate love. At times our relationship was at times, holding on by a thread. That committed love was strong and we stayed committed to each other at this time, even though it wasn’t very enjoyable. At times it felt dramatically painful.

Thankfully, it was for a season and it took a commitment from both of us to pursue change and pursue that emotional love. The “commitment love” sustained us until we were able to reach a state of emotional, affectionate love for one another again - and it did come. But we didn’t settle for a commitment only relationship.

There are still times when we have to lean on one kind of love for the other. We don't have emotional highs and butterflies all the time but that commitment loves sustains us through the ups and the downs.

With our kids there are times when they are little and have tested our patience sorely but then we look at them sleeping with a burst of affection and love that sustains our love for them so that the next day when we have to clean up the broken pieces of something or deal with a temper tantrum, it’s easier to stay committed to them.

Recently I have felt a renewal of connection with Silas. His middle school years were the hardest of all my kids. In the last year or so, I have felt close and connected to him in a way that was completely foreign in his early teen years, when it felt like we were walking on eggshells and we were arguing about every little thing.

My commitment to him in his early teen years has turned into a relationship with deep conversation as well as fun and laughter that gives me so much emotional joy and love. The commitment love sustained the relationship until it turned into one of true emotional connection.

I have a friend group that meets once or twice a month. I feel like when we get together I emotionally enjoy our times and feel a lot of affection and love for them. We laugh and cry and it can be deep, fulfilling and fun.

But we’ve also had to have conversations about our commitment to each other. When we put a date on the calendar I feel like sometimes it’s like pulling teeth to find one that works for everyone. Once I put it on the calendar there are many things that come up that I could put in place of it as life gets busy. I could downplay it as unimportant, but I fend off other commitments because I am choosing to commit to these friends. And when I do and we experience that love and affection for each other, God reminds me of how vitally important and healthy these relationships are.

But if these things are true with spouses, children and friendship, how much more do we need to evaluate our love for God in this way as well.

I have had a season with God when I didn’t feel that emotionally refreshing love. Do you have times when it feels like God has abandoned you? You try to seek emotional experiences with him and find nothing. You feel like you are dry as a desert in your relationship with God.

I went through a season of feeling this way toward God. I knew he loved me in my head but my heart felt dead and I did not feel loved by him at all. During this time my commitment to Him is what I had to cling to. I had to cling to that agape, action, commitment filled, choice based love toward God. It sustained me until I could come back to that affectionate experiential love. And that emotional love did come back.

On the other hand, are you a person who is committed to God, to be obedient, to serve, to work hard and be morally responsible, but struggles with having experiential, wholehearted emotional and affectionate love for Him? Do you see God as someone who blesses us and does right by us but doesn’t really have intimacy with you or look at you with a huge smile of affection? Do you see experiential worship as “emotionalism” and a less important part of your walk with God? Do you downplay the role of experiences with God and take pride in obedience and sacrifice?

God tells us in Jn 16:27 that the Father loves us with phileo - that emotional affectionate love and that we love Jesus with an emotional, affectionate love.

It also tells us that even in 1 Cor 13:3 when it is talking about agape love that if we give our body to be burned but don’t have love it is nothing. I would have definitely said that if someone gave their body to be burned for someone else that they must have real love for them but clearly God is speaking of more than just action and sacrifice here because of the way he makes the contrast.

On the other hand, we may have emotional love without being fully committed. We have a wonderful time worshiping God and love to express our love for Him in outwardly affectionate ways. We may seek and have beautiful, emotional experiences with Him where we hear him speak to us. We may experience a spiritual high at a camp or conference and yet in our everyday lives we struggle to be obedient or committed to him.

We may be seekers of those experiences, without being a seeker of Him with a willingness to sacrificially say yes to Him, no matter what He is asking us to do and stay committed to complete obedience. When we say we love Him but do not do what he asks, our love is double minded, (Jas 1:8) tossed by winds of emotion.

Mt 22:37 Beautifully speaks of how we need to love God with our heart, our soul, our mind and our strength. This kind of love includes both emotional and committed love. And it is true that He loves us in both of these ways.

Both of these kinds of love come through for us in ways that help sustain relationships.

During times when it is easy to “grow weary in well doing” as the Bible says speaking of the action love - having an experience with God where we feel and know his emotional love and intimacy for us - sustains and excites us in a way that enables us to continue on when loving is hard, duty filled, practical and committed.

James 4:8 says “Draw near to God and He will draw near to You.” As we draw near to God, are we thinking about how He loves us and how we love him? Are we committed to serving, loving and following him with a selfless action based love? Are we at the same time, seeking that intimate, beautiful emotional connection that experiences Him in new ways and with new eyes?

Are you pursuing Him with Your heart, soul, mind and strength? And are you choosing to receive his deep, affectionate, emotional intimate love for you, as well as his practical, committed selfless love?

When we understand both kinds of love and live them out we will experience His love in a beautiful way that is both emotional and committed. And we can trust that these two loves will sustain each other as we pursue Him more deeply.

On Earth as it Is in Heaven 1/19/25

I started writing this as a Facebook update about Joseph - but it turned into a full blown blog post because I am terrible at brevity,

Joseph Update: We’ll be going inpatient at Children's tomorrow to prepare for a second surgery. We were in the hospital for 10 days in Mid December for surgery and it was a grueling process both in the prep and the recovery. We found out this week that he has to have the same surgery again….

This has been a really rough few days for Joseph and for us. As we were singing in church this morning this phrase “on earth as it is in heaven” came into my head quite forcefully. I can only believe it was from God because it hit me so strongly. God wants us to ask for things to be on earth as they are in heaven. That’s His will. Sin and sickness came into the world at the fall but His desire for us is to be on earth as it is in heaven. This is His desire for Joseph.

Two minutes after hearing this phrase in my head, we prayed the Lord’s prayer as a congregation. This isn’t an every-week practice for us at all at church. Tears came to my eyes that God spoke it to me and then we all spoke the words “on earth as it is in heaven” again.

Today is Sanctity of Life Sunday and our pastor prayed a special prayer praying for the tragedies of the world like abortion and sex trafficking and sickness and depression. And as he prayed, he said, “on earth as it is in heaven”. Three times in just a few minutes God brought this to my attention.

Halfway through church my phone buzzed and I looked down to see the name of our special needs director on my phone. Joseph was sweating, straining and struggling again. I had given him the strongest meds I could right before we left in the hopes that he would make it through Sunday School in his wheelchair. It was not to happen. Lucie quickly followed and helped me get him out of his chair and get him comfortable. We broke his tone by sitting him criss cross applesauce and supporting his back and neck and his labored breathing slowed and he calmed down.

Earlier this week, Thursday, our rehab doctor that has been following Joseph wanted us to come to the ER after we sent her the video of him that morning sweating and straining and in what Todd says is “dystonic crisis”. However, we went to the rehab center on both Thursday and Friday and we were able to talk her into letting us stay home for the weekend with a very strict regimen of meds and a promise to come in on Monday. This was a huge relief to us as we knew that we probably wouldn’t get the surgery until mid week next week and being home at this point is better for everyone, especially Joseph.

They anticipated that he would be able to have the surgery (again!) to replace the catheter for his baclofen pump by mid-week but they need to continue to titrate (turn down) the pump to get it ready for the surgery.

Titrating the pump means turning it down each day until he is ready to be able to have surgery and turning it up each day after surgery. This was a lengthy process the last time. It is dangerous to turn it up or down quickly. When they fixed the catheter last time they suspected that there was a blockage but they tested the new one and it worked fine. However after we went in a few weeks ago and they pulled back on the pump to check it - nothing came out. The conclusion was that another surgery was needed. This felt maddening. We’ve had to work through our emotions about having to go through this entire process again.

But in other ways this was a relief. We have been scratching our heads as to why Joseph hasn’t been responding well to the previous surgery. We have had such a hard time going down on his g-tube meds as we have turned up the pump and now at least this blockage seemed like it was a reason at least. They will replace the entire catheter and possibly the pump.

It has been difficult on everyone. As we titrate down, finding positions where Joseph is comfortable has been a challenge. The last two days of this week he couldn’t even go to school. Our caregiver, Catie’s patience has been challenged and her muscles have been tested in wrestling him into positions where he could be comfortable and figuring out now to help him.

Nights have been hard. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights I got about 5 hrs, 4 hrs and 3 hrs respectively. Joseph wakes up and I give him meds and most of the time he is able to go back to sleep, but I have not been able to. The way my body handles stress (even when I think in my brain that I am not stressed) is by choosing not to sleep, which makes everything worse. I taught at co-op Friday but found myself halting my words even in regular conversations because I wasn’t thinking straight I was so tired.  I feel like I've been tearing up at the drop of a hat as well.

Thankfully, our caregiver Lana stayed the night last night so I kept the monitor off and took some over the counter sleep meds and slept 8 hrs, despite having what felt like a mini panick attack in the middle of the night. She is a lifesaver at night and always willing to help, despite having to set an alarm for 3 am to give meds.

Back at church today, I’d hoped to bring him and have the elders lay hands on him and pray for him. When he didn’t even make it through the service I almost regretted my decision, but we were able to bring him upstairs and several of the elders and also our friends laid hands on him and prayed for him, for success for surgery, for healing for his body and comfort, for him to know that he was loved and for our family as we navigate all of this.

Todd has been so loving to Joe and we’ve seen some answered prayers recently in his life through all of this. 

That all said, our plan is for him to go inpatient at Children’s tomorrow and hopefully have the surgery mid-to late week. Last time the recovery process definitely took a lot longer than we were expecting. We are hopeful that it will go more smoothly this time. He has not vomited in a while and is coming in at a stronger place than he was before.

At the beginning of this year I felt like God gave me the word “stability” to pray for Joseph and Vivien. I don’t mind a little drama and I don’t like life to be boring but there are times with Joseph and Vivien where I am ready for a rest from the drama. Vivien has gotten so much more stable and easy to care for in the last year or so. She is vomiting less, gaining weight, has a good routine and is doing so well health wise. It has not been that way for Joseph so in thinking about the New Year, I decided to ask God for “stability” and focus on that word in my prayers.

As often happens in Bible stories - when you ask God for something and really start believing Him and petitioning, - often things seem to get worse. As I’ve written many times, God has used the illustration of entering the promised land in my life and in that story, things get worse for the Israelites before they get better.

I have been reading through the Bible and I was reminded that even after they entered the promised land - it wasn’t immediate rest and peace. They had to fight battles and take the land little by little. I feel like God is reminding me of this as we go through this with Joseph and continue to pray for the “stability” and “on earth as it is in heaven”.

We are so thankful for all the support we are receiving from friends - prayers, comfort, meals, driving our kids around etc.

We know He will sustain us this week so thank you for continuing to pray for Joseph and our family.

Merry Christmas 2024

Merry Christmas!

From the Merry Family

2024

Merry Christmas, Family and Friends!  We hope this letter finds you and yours happy and well.  We are thankful for this season to reflect on God’s goodness to us, rest and enjoyable time together.

“For to us a child is born, to us a Son is given, and the government will be on his shoulders.  And he will be called Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace” Isaiah 9:6

I think we can all agree this has been a year of ups and downs.  While we have all had some challenges in 2024, we still have much to be thankful for.  Our responses to life’s challenges determines more about us than the challenges themselves.

Probably the highlight of everyone’s year was Ethan and Maggie’s wedding.  Though Maggie was younger than we had expected when she got married, we saw God’s hand on the whole process.  We’ve known Ethan since he was about 10 years old and the older he got and the more we got to know him, the happier we became about having him as a son in law.  Their youth did give us pause but when they talked about wanting to marry, we made a list of some things we wanted to see happen first in their lives, and we were so thankful for the way they honored us by going through and accomplishing the things we asked before they got married.  They have a beautiful story of God doing some surprising things to show both of them his will for them to be together.  Feel free to ask about it because we love to tell it.

Their wedding was deeply emotional for everyone in the family.  The way that you can feel both deep sadness and great joy is beyond explanation.  As the day of the wedding moved closer, there were tears from just about every member in the family.  Even Joseph, using his eye gaze device said, “Maggie come here” in the last few days before the wedding.  He proceeded to use his eyes to flip the camera around and take a selfie of the two of them.  Maggie even took some time off work the week of the wedding, just to come home and be with us.  

At the rehearsal when Maggie’s choice of “I love you Lord” was played as she walked down the aisle, I don’t think there was a dry eye in the room.  When she first played this song for me (Molly) it meant so much to me that her desire was to honor and glorify God even as she walked down the aisle.

There were so many parts of their wedding that was both deeply meaningful, emotionally and spiritually, and yet the celebration afterwards was so.much.fun!  Maggie and Ethan know how to party.  Maggie is one of the most full-of-life people you will ever ever meet and her instructions to all her people were that they better be out there dancing!  She brings sunshine into the room.  Usually at a wedding the dance floor has a few people dancing and most people sitting around the edges of the room watching.  Ethan and Maggie brought the party and one of my (Molly's) favorite parts was seeing all my best mom-friends, instead of just the regular teens and twentysomethings dancing up a storm and celebrating hard.  I love our long history of friendship and that they were there to celebrate!  I am so thankful for all the family and friends who came and made it a priority.  

For both Todd and I it was honestly one of the happiest days of our lives, being so deeply fulfilling watching our girl love and serve God with all of her heart, marry the man she’d been hoping for for a long time and have so much fun in the process.  I love how God is a God of celebration and happiness.  Jesus was both a “man of sorrows” and “anointed with joy above his companions”.  There were some tears and angst leading up to Maggie and Ethan’s relationship and to see God fulfill our dreams and Maggie’s at the same time was just deeply joyous.  We love Ethan and his family and so many people rejoiced over their union.  We were truly overflowing with thanks and praise to God for what he had done.

We are thankful for what God did through this and have fallen into a new rhythm and new normal in which Maggie is not home, but thankful we usually see her several times a week.   Todd has instituted Sunday afternoons as an open invitation for us all to spend time eating and being together and we take advantage of it often.  I have loved watching how each one of our kids values time all together as a family even more than they did before.

Here’s an update on the Merry fam, starting with the shortest…

Vivien (10 years old) is now a fourth-grader at Kennydale Elementary (same school Todd went to as a kid).  Vivien continues to grow more aware of the world around her and has even started to help with dressing herself.  She gets stronger daily.  Her health has been really good and she has finally started to put on some healthy weight thanks to one of the caregivers tweaking her food.  Vivien also has an amazing paraeducator at school who genuinely cares well for her and loves to see her thrive.  Vivien is also blessed with some wonderful caregivers who do so much for her at home.

Joseph (11 years old) As I (Todd) write this, I’m here with Joseph at Seattle Children's.  He’s had some problems with his baclofen pump and is scheduled for surgery in two days.  As always, he has a good attitude and charms the nurses with his smiles.  Joseph has done especially well in communicating through his eye-gaze machine.  He has demonstrated how alert he is to his surroundings. His biggest joy is hanging out with his siblings.  They love him so well and you can tell he loves to be in the center of the activity.  Joseph also has an amazing paraeducator at school who has patiently helped him along with his health ups and downs.  Joseph has also started his second year at AWANA and loves it.  His friend and caregiver Catie does amazing work with him in helping him memorize the verses and play games every Wednesday.  He and Todd have also joined the greeting team at our church.  He has his own nametag and lanyard and he hands out smiles and fist bumps to those coming into church.  He also got to go to Disneyland for his birthday this year and even conquered Space Mountain!

Iva (12 years old) is our resident home-body (second only to Todd).  A natural introvert, she loves her fantasy books, “chillin” with the family and asking when we will see Maggie next.  This past year, Iva began taking weekly horse-riding lessons at a farm in Maple Valley thanks to a wait list that came through.  Her instructors are really good and she has the opportunity to try several different horses (Milkman is one of her favorite).  Iva continues to hone her writing skills.  She especially loves to write stories that involve horses.  Over the summer, she bought a Cintiq tablet to continue to work out her gift as an artist.  She has done especially well as a graphic artist and is especially taking after Maggie in this way.  She has also been very involved with pro-life outreach once a week and has been asking to do it more times a week. She loves listening online to pro-life advocates and learning more about how to help babies and mamas.

Lucie (14 years old) has officially started high school!  She has stepped into the Rhetoric program at co-op and has really done well.  The workload is much heavier than she had been used to, but she has risen to the occasion well.  Our social girl especially loves the group of friends she has found there.  She also enjoys discipleship groups at church.  Lucie is practicing her future parenting skills on her dog “Sophie”, who can be found following Lucie around the house.  Lucie loves being in the nursery with the babies each week and church.  Her babysitting enterprise is growing and she is a natural with young kids and babies.  Lucie is a giver and is looking for any jobs to help pay off her Christmas gifts!  She is also really enjoying taking voice lessons from a wonderful worship leader at our church and has written some poems and songs.  She is also involved in American Heritage Girls and has earned lots of badges this year, working on service projects and personal goals.

Silas (17 years old) is officially a senior at Bellevue College (Running Start).  Silas has done well with his studies but is looking forward to being done next Spring.  He is an entrepreneur at heart and is always thinking through a new money-making idea.  Earlier this year Ethan and Maggie started a Bible study at their house and Silas enjoys helping lead and facilitate along with some of their other friends.  The study has grown since they began and has become a weekly event that many look forward to.  It has been awesome to see Silas’ spiritual growth and love for God’s word.  He’s a smart man and has a heart to show God’s love to others.  Silas has also been working at Backflows Northwest (with his sister and brother-in-law) and loves it!  He is still very involved in pro-life work weekly.  He is still very interested in evangelism as well.  He can also be found at his piano and computer composing new songs and putting arrangements together.

Maggie and Ethan were married on April 26th. What a beautiful event!  This was an emotional event for us all (I Todd especially - lots of ugly crying).  Their ceremony had so much depth, spiritual fervor and joy.  The dancing afterward was epic!  The happy couple are doing well.  They both work full-time at Backflows Northwest (such a great company).  Ethan completed the volunteer fire academy at Buckley FD and has just completed EMT class as well.  He is testing with as many fire departments as he can and looks forward to starting his career in the near future.  Thankfully, we still get to see a lot of M&E and enjoy the weekly Bible study at their house.  They are both very involved in pro-life work and usually Maggie is able to volunteer weekly.

Molly still loves traveling with every member of her family that she possibly can.  This year Molly, Lucie, their awesome caregiver Catie and Edith who runs Home of Hope - got to take Joseph to Disneyland.  Molly counts it in one of the top hardest things she’s ever done, but also so fun and fulfilling.  It was definitely a challenge but Joseph got to go on so many rides and loved Disneyland.  She was able to take several trips with Todd and the other kids as well this year.  This year was her first year of being the primary person in the family teaching co-op instead of Todd.  She loves her class of 4th and 5th graders at co-op.  Prep work isn't her favorite but thankfully it is history and it’s actually kind of fun to have an excuse to dig deeper into the likes of Abraham and Mary Lincoln, Florence Nightingale and Thomas Edison.  She and her BFF Rebecca are triple involved this year, teaching as a team at co-op, helping lead a Troop of Pioneers and Patriots at American Heritage girls and facilitating d-(discipleship) groups at church with the senior girls.  Molly’s love for teenagers continues to grow and she loves hanging out with all of her girls, plus the THM kids as well.  Iva begged to get involved with pro-life outreach and Todd's condition was that Molly go along so Molly has been going weekly with the kids, praying for and trying to support mamas and babies outside of abortion clinics. She is still running three days a week, hiking, writing and spending time with her mom friends as much as she possibly can.

I (Todd) really enjoyed some time away with Molly.  The longer we go in marriage, the more we realize we need time away to connect.  Work, health issues with the kids and lots going on at home can pull us apart.  The times we’ve gotten away have been life-saving for our marriage and we are grateful for the grandparents and caregivers who help so much at home.  I continue to work at King County Medic One, and volunteer on the board of Home of Hope.  Joseph and I have recently joined the greeting team at church and I love watching him make people smile.

Thank you for taking the time to “catch up” with us.  We love getting your letters and hearing updates from you all.

Blessings to your family,

The Merrys

(wedding photos by The Juliet)

Merry Christmas Letter 2023

Merry Christmas! 2023

Merry Christmas, Family and Friends! It seems each year, Christmas comes a bit earlier. Maybe it’s commercialization, or covid. Either way, we love this season of rest, time with family and reflecting back on the year.

“She shall bear a son, and you shall call his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins” Matthew 1:21

We know this year has been both a blessing and a challenge for many. Still, we have much to be thankful for. Our world seems to be getting more and more restless. As Augustine said “You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you.” So much in life is taking the restlessness we feel back to Him.

Here’s an update on our clan, starting with the youngest…

Vivien (9 years old) is now in the third grade at Kennydale Elementary. Both she and Joseph moved schools this year and we are thankful for her paraeducator who moved with her. Vivien’s awareness of others seems to have blossomed this year. We have found her much more aware of her surroundings and eager to give smiles to anyone walking by. Her love for balloons is in full swing. As she has gotten stronger, we find that they are lasting only a day or so before they are so beat up and deflated! We are thankful for her caregivers that really do love and care for her so well.

Joseph (10 years old) has really gotten tall this past year! He loves to ride the bus to school, go for walks and be in the middle of any crowd. This past year, he went to Seaside and Wild Waves, spent a few days at Maggie Lake, went to the zoo, took field trips around the city, and had plenty of other adventures. He got to go to an early Seahawks game and his friend Bryan Mone from the Seahawks invited him to Spring training. Earlier this year, Joseph had a baclofen pump installed, which has significantly helped out with his spastic movements. He is more relaxed and seems to be more comfortable as well. He has been “talking” with his eye gaze computer and though he is still learning, he figured out how to make jokes to get others to laugh!

Iva (11 years old) continues to be happiest at home. While she is often found reading books, she has also become quite versed in the world of “Star Stables” where players ride their horses around a whole other world, have races and even do dressage (a formal style of horse riding). In real life, she has also been helping care for and ride a friend’s horse named Stitch. We are thankful for the kindness of her sweet friend who shares Stitch with her every other Wednesday! Iva also stepped up into Logic class at our co-op and has been “finding her voice” with her classmates in debates and discussions. Shs is turning into a blossoming writer. In addition, she begged to join Maggie, and Silas in pro-life work and so she and Molly have started volunteering with them and Iva loves it.  She has passed Molly up height wise even though she is 11 so she is going to be a tall girl!

Lucie (13 years old) is most often seen with her dog “Sophie” following her around. Lucie has proved to be an amazing Dog Mom and is eager to tell anyone just how fantastic Sophie is. Lucie’s favorite weekly activity is co-op, where she loves the discussions and time with friends. She is in popular demand as a babysitter, loves her time with babies and kids and works every week in the nursery at church. She has also done some dog-sitting. In November, Lucie got to experience Uganda for the first time with Todd and Maggie! It really was an amazing trip together and though it was a bit stressful, I (Todd) really am thankful we could experience it together. I love seeing the kids experience a whole new world and a very different culture. Those trips really are eye-opening for us all.

Silas (16 years old) just bought his first truck! He has been working hard at both Highlands Community Church and Chick-fil-a. He’s excited about his new sense of freedom. He also just started Running Start at Bellevue College. He has a full load of classwork and seems to be balancing it well with his time at work. He's still very involved in evangelism and pro-life work and recently got to visit and hold one of the babies that they helped save. This summer we tried to take our boat out as much as we could and Silas especially has skilz on the boat tube.

Maggie (19 years old) just got engaged! We are excited for both she and Ethan, as they have been friends since the fourth grade. Seeing their relationship grow to this point has been a joy. They are looking forward to getting married next year. Maggie continues to be very involved in evangelism and the pro-life movement and recently got the news that one of the babies they helped save was born on her birthday. It was a beautiful birthday present. She loves spending time with friends. She is working full time at Backflows Northwest. She has finished Running Start at Bellevue and gotten her AA.

Ethan (Maggie’s fiancé) has known our family since he was young and we have watched him grow into a strong, wise man who loves Jesus. He also works full time at Backflows Northwest and is in the fire academy and volunteering with hopes to become a firefighter. He loves the outdoors, hiking, playing guitar, healthy food and Maggie! He is also passionate about pro-life work.  We are so thankful he will become a part of our family next year and are excited for their life together.

Molly is loving the teenage phase of parenting and our house is usually hopping with their friends. The secret to getting your teenagers to do things with you is to invite their friends everywhere. Molly has done quite a bit of hiking, both with Todd and with the teens and enjoys traveling anytime she can. Sedona with Todd was a huge highlight as well as the beaches of the Olympic Peninsula, Colchuck Lake and Mount Storm King. With the teens she enjoyed, Sage Hills Loop in wildflower season, Deception Pass, Mt. Elinor, Hurricane Ridge, Fort Worden and Fort Casey. Her sister Anna invited her on a trip in May and she enjoyed the beauty of Cabo and reconnecting with her. Photography is her hobby and joy on these trips, and she still loves reading, writing and journaling as often as she can. American Heritage Girls, Co-op, doctor’s appointments, scheduling, managing caregiving, caring for Joseph and Vivien and driving kids around keeps her busy. She also loves connecting with her d-group girls every Sunday night at church.

I (Todd) really enjoyed time away with Molly in Sedona, Arizona in February. The scenery was beautiful and we did some great hikes. This year, family time at Maggie Lake was especially good, as we had a good chunk of time there and I was able to do some projects with my Dad. Silas and I had a great camping trip over the summer, and I loved the time with Maggie and Lucie in Uganda. I’m very thankful for the time we have with the kids. I am still working at King County Medic One, and keeping busy on the boards of Home of Hope and His HIS co-op.

Thank you for taking the time to “catch up” with us. We love getting your letters and hearing updates from you all.  Molly's facebook or instagram have a lot more photos so feel free to browse through our year.

Jesus came to bring the kingdom of heaven to us here on earth by his death and resurrection when we see our sin for what it is and choose to follow HIm. The kingdom of God is righteousness, peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. We love pursuing these things and have been thinking about and meditating on the truth that all three need to go together for true fulfillment, with the help of the Holy Spirit. True life is found in pursuing these things and not placing one above another. The pursuit of happiness or joy is not fully found without living righteously in the Holy Spirit. But trying to be righteous without accessing joy and peace leads to burnout and discouragement.

Jesus came to bring LIFE. We are so thankful for the Holy Spirit’s help as we pursue a beautiful life of righteousness, peace and joy at Christmas. We feel so grateful for the life He has given us. Our prayer is that you experience this too!

Blessings to your family,

The Merrys

Merry Christmas Letter 2022

 Merry Christmas!

Hello Family and Friends!  

We hope this Christmas season finds you joyful and well.  We are blessed to have you in our lives, even if we don’t see each other all that often.  This Christmas season, we are reminded that…

“She shall bear a son, and you shall ca
ll his name Jesus, for he will save his people from their sins” Matthew 1:21

As it may be with you, 2022 brought its share of challenges and joys.  Still, we are thankful for the peace in the middle of the challenges.   

In April we were able to take a long-dreamed of family vacation to Maui.  All of the older kids were able to come, though we only had a couple of nights where everyone was able to be all together because of the needs of Joseph and Vivien we were still so thankful for a chance to get away and enjoy beautiful Hawaii.

Here’s an update on our clan, starting with the youngest…

Vivien (8 years old) is now in the second grade at Hazelwood Elementary.  She loves riding the bus to school and back each day (although she will be the first to tell you she doesn’t like early mornings!)  Viv’s giggles and her bouncing balloons bring a happy note to the house.  We are thankful for her caregivers who help out in so many ways.  She also has a wonderful para-educator, teachers and therapists who do so many fun things with her.    

Joseph (9 years old) is becoming a young man!  He is now in his third wheelchair as he has grown so much.  Mr. Social also loves going to school and hanging out with any crowd.  We are in the middle of some tests at Seattle Children’s which will hopefully lead to him having a Baclofen pump installed.  This will make him so much more comfortable as well as make it easier to manage him.  Again, we are so thankful for his caregivers, paraeducator, therapists and teachers!

Iva (10 years old) continues to be our happy homebody.  Iva is often found curled up on a couch with a book.  Some of Iva’s favorite books this past year were Story Thieves and The Hero’s Guide to Saving the Kingdom.    This year, she started a computer programming class, Taekwondo, as well as a cooking class at Heritage!  Iva has also gotten quite good at whipping up a batch of slime (just in case you need any).  A highlight of her year was a trip to Zion and Bryce Canyon!  She, Lucie and friends went on some fun hikes and made lasting memories,
    

Lucie (12 years old) will tell you that the best part of her year was getting her little Cavapoo “Sophie”, who just turned one year-old (and yes, Lucie threw a party for her).  Lucie loves her friends in Logic class and is always trying to get them together for events.  When she’s not doting on Sophie, she is usually found on the swing set in the backyard, listening to her music.    Lucie has been expanding her role as babysitter and is usually eager to help out with Vivien and Joseph in a pinch.  Her caring nature is a quality we are all thankful for
.

Silas (15 years old) has been driving with his permit!  This is his last year as a “homeschool” student, as he will step into Running Start at Bellevue College next year.  He has been busy working at out church (Highlands Community) about 10 hours a week, doing various maintenance tasks.  He has been hoping to pick up some more hours as he works toward eventually buying his own car.  Silas is often found on his keyboard upstairs, pounding out some new tunes.  He was able to play for the Highschool worship team at church, and his hoping for some more opportunities.  This past summer, Silas went on an internship with Tiny Heartbeat Ministries, a pro-life ministry in Moscow, Idaho.  He loved the feeling of independence and the friendships he formed while there.  He plans to go on the Justice Ride in Ohio again this next Spring.  

Maggie (18 years old) is finishing up her last few quarters in Running Start at Bellevue College.  This past summer, she bought her first car, which she lovingly named “Chuck”.  With her car came a growing independence, as she is quite the socialite.   She enjoys her work at Backflows Northwest in the office. She also helps lead a team on Thursdays to do pro-life work at a nearby abortion clinic and loves when babies are saved and mamas are supported and loved.

Molly continues to spend time with family and friends, write, jog, hike and travel whenever she can.  She helps lead sophomore discipleship groups at church and is loving the teenage years with her kids.  Todd says she is stuck in the teens herself so she relates.  She enjoyed short trips with Maggie (to Palm Springs) and Silas (to Knotts Berry Farm), as well as a trip with Lucie and Iva to Zion National park with their BFFs..  She attends lots of timeshare presentations and uses travel card points  to get free nights to support her travel habit.  She and Todd were able to get away for a few nights for their anniversary to hike at the beautiful Columbia River gorge area.  Managing Joseph and Vivien’s medical needs, with doctors appointments, therapists and scheduling caregivers keeps her hopping.  Last but not least, she has enjoyed teaching Bible at HIS co-op this year and digging into the Word to try to make it relevant to the wonderful kids she gets to teach

Todd has been busy keeping up with the rest of the family.  His homeschooling load has been lightened a bit as Molly has been doing most all the schoolwork with Iva.  He has enjoyed some fun projects around the house such as building a carport finishing up Viv and Joe’s bedroom remodel.  This last May he celebrated 23 years in the fire service.  He’s grateful every day for the opportunity to work with some great people while helping those in need.

This year, at the beginning of the year Todd asked God about a word for the year.  He was prompted to think about the word “sustainable”.  Molly was in wholehearted agreement with asking God for sustainability in life.  The last few years have felt so dramatic and times, with the ups and downs of the adoption and caring for medical needs.  Thankfully we have been able to obtain some more caregiving hours for Joseph and Vivien which has made life feel a little more sustainable.  We are thankful to God for His sustaining grace, His sustaining provision and a life that has moved from “almost out of control” to “only somewhat crazy at times”, which feels a little better!  We are grateful for a God who sustains us.

Thank you for taking the time to “catch up” with us.  We love getting your letters and hearing updates from you all.

Blessings to your family,

The Merrys