2 Loves

I have been doing some pondering lately and what I have been pondering is pertinent to my relationship with God, my marriage, my relationship with Joseph and Vivien and the rest of my kids. Sometimes I have thought about it more in the context of Joseph and Vivien than my other kids, simply because of the amount of work that goes into caring for them.

I have been thinking about how there are 2 different kinds of love, specifically when caring for Joseph and Vivien. When we first found out about Vivien at around 22 weeks pregnant I was definitely scared. Committing to continue our pregnancy, give birth to Vivien and help

her fight for her life was a decision that was definitely birthed out of a “commitment love” for her. But after making this decision and especially after she was born my “emotional love” for her grew. There were times that I had to lean on that commitment part in taking care of her, but other times the emotional love took over and sustained all the practical things that had to be done to keep her alive.

I do remember the first time I met Joseph, at Home of Hope, amidst all the children looking at me with their big eyes. When it was bedtime and time to say goodbye to him and he began to cry and wail when I left, I definitely felt an emotional pull of love toward him. My heart went out to him.

However as we were preparing to adopt him, flying to Uganda, caring for him there, and in the first few months after adopting him, I leaned hard on the committed, action, sacrificial love. It was such hard work taking care of him, especially at the beginning that I felt almost resentful emotionally toward him though no fault of his. I had to learn not to shame myself for not feeling the emotion that I wanted to, and to sacrificially serve and love him in a committed way.

However, I knew that staying in the “sacrificial, committed, serving love” for him, without feeling the emotional, affectionate love would not serve Joseph or myself well. It was good and right to lean on the committed duty of love for a while, but being satisfied by that alone would not be right either.

The Bible talks about phileo love which is emotional, friendly and affectionate. This is what Philadelphia is named for: the city of brotherly love. Phileo is more of an emotional love. It means “to kiss someone or dote upon them” or enjoy them and “delight” in them emotionally. It is described as “affectionate”.

The Bible also talks about agape which is an action love. It is a committed love that has sometimes been described as unconditional, selfless or sacrificial. It is practical and meets practical needs.

Eros in the Greek is a word describing physical, passionate and sexual love. It’s not used at all in the New Testament although the concept is found quite a bit in the Old Testament in the context of relationship between a husband and wife and is spoken of positively.

For understanding's sake, I will refer to phileo love - as emotional love and agape love as committed love.

I have been thinking about these two kinds of love and noticing that people’s personalities seem to be bent toward one or the other in how they love people.

Some people lean on and think about and feel emotional love but struggle without the action / committed love part. Think of a husband who feels an emotional tie to his wife and says he loves her so much and verbally praises her and talks kindly, but isn’t a good provider, who doesn’t love sacrificially by being selfless and serving her and in his daily actions just proves that life is about making himself comfortable and happy.

Others lean on the committed love. Think of a wife who may be outwardly serving her husband, doing things for the home, caring for practical needs, but withholds emotional affection, ducks his kisses and is only too glad when serving the kids proves a distraction from emotional intimacy.

These are examples, although I don’t think that emotional and commitment love is always gender specific.

Over the years in observing myself and others, I have learned that we are to cultivate both kinds of love in our lives. When we begin to lean on one, champion one, pat ourselves on the back for one - while neglecting the other - we miss the full robust, beautiful love that God has for us and wants us to enjoy with Himself and others.

When I realized that I had a committed love for Joseph but was struggling with emotional love, I began to really cry out to God for wisdom in how to cultivate that emotional, affectionate love. I talked to other parents who had adopted and they helped me see that what I was experiencing was normal. I’d gotten to know my biological children over months in my womb and I had years of loving them under my belt. I hadn’t had this with Joseph and to expect it was not reasonable. The emotional love for him was something that would have to grow. They assured me that my affection for him would grow and it turned out to be true.

I focused on the verse that says, ““The King will answer and say to them, ‘Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them, you did it to Me.’” There was an odd comfort in knowing that when I cared for and loved Joseph, I was loving Jesus - who I did have an emotional relationship with and who I did know and love affectionately.

I also focused on the verse that says, “where your treasure is, there will your heart be also.” I was trusting God that as I put the treasure of my time and effort into loving Joseph in a committed way, that God would move my heart and my affections.

God has done this and continues to do this in my love for Joseph and I am thankful. It did take time, tears and trust but I feel so much more true affection for him than I did in those early days.

Recently we were able to take a trip to Disneyland with Joseph shortly before his 11th birthday.. It was pretty high on my “do hard things list” and yet it was also so fulfilling and beautiful to see Joseph’s joy and his bond with Lucie.

Mama Edith, who runs Home of Hope was in the US for fundraising and we were able to have a big fundraiser for her, but while she was here, she was already in California fundraising with another group and we were able to bring her with us to Disneyland.

His wonderful caregiver Catie came with us, as well as Lucie and between the four of us you’d think
there would be a lot of help and there was. But it was amazing how both exhausted and happy we all were at the end and Catie summed it up well as we were pushing him and another wheelchair (long story for another time) through Disneyland. She said, “Joe - if you ever wonder if we love you - this shows it!” It was definitely a test of committed, sacrificial action love and yet I am so thankful for our time with him. I know he loved it.

The realization that we need these two loves has also been true in my relationship with Todd. Marriage needs both committed and emotional love. I find it interesting that God tells the husband to agape love his wife in Ephesians 5:25. He tells them to love with sacrifice and commitment. When God speaks to the wives, he tells them in Titus 2:4 to phileo, love their husbands, with emotion and affection.

As I said before, I don’t think this is always gender specific but I would say that in general, it is easier for a wife to love committed and a husband to love affectionately and that God knows which kind of love we would have to put more effort into as husbands or wives. It’s interesting that he doesn’t tell us to love each other with the exact same kind of love but is specific to husbands about commitment love and specific to wives about affectionate love.

I do find that when I observe marriages, there is often one who is stronger in one than the other. However, I would say that in our marriage Todd is steadier at agape - action and commitment love even when I am driving him crazy and he needs to take a breath. I am steadier at phileo love when he acts cooler to me than I’d like him to, I will warm him up with affection and emotional love. But there are times when both of us need to lean on both. There are times when Todd and I have specifically both have had to work at both committed and emotional love.

Marriages break down when a spouse judges the other by their particular form of love. They measure love by commitment because they are committed or they measure love by affection because they are affectionate, not realizing that healthy love is love with both kinds.

A man or woman who pats themselves on the back for how committed and sacrificial they are toward their spouse without showing genuine emotional affection is not cultivating a healthy marriage. Sometimes you need a season of committed love to make it through, but if you are not fighting for something more, you are not in a healthy marriage. C.S. Lewis says, “duty is a crutch for love”. At times we need a crutch, but if a crutch is our way of life we are not healthy.

In the same way a spouse who gushes emotional love for their spouse while all the while serving themselves and their needs narcissistically is not healthy either.

When Todd and I have gotten into a routine of responsibility and commitment and what sometimes feels like drudgery and endless practical tasks, we will intentionally take time to get away to cultivate that emotional love and have fun together. Being the parents of two kids with special needs, we understand action and committed love both to each other and to our family but we often need to have that boost of emotional love that encourages us.

This fall Todd and I took a few days to go to the ocean, just the two of us to celebrate Todd’s 50th birthday. The interesting thing was that in the weeks just prior to our getaway, we were definitely getting bitey and snappy toward each other. We both just felt weighed down by the tasks and responsibilities of staying committed to each other while dealing with the kids in practically caring for our family.

Taking those three days to focus on each other, enjoy each other, cultivate that emotional love and fun did something for our relationship. Instead of looking to escape the drudgery and practical chores and commitments by running away from each other - we escaped TO each other. We fed our brain with the idea that excitement and experiences and rest came by being together not separate and our experience deepened our love for each other. We came home refreshed. The experience of emotional love actually helped sustain our committed love.

Scientists talk about neurological pathways in the brain. When my brain associates a beautiful experience of affection, fun and rest and relaxation with my husband - it makes the commitment to love easier when we have to go back to the hard work and responsibilities of marriage and family. Instead of looking to escape these responsibilities by running away from the relationship with my husband and doing something fun (as can be a temptation) - I try to look to him and am intentional about taking time to make experiential and affectionate love for him a priority.

We have found that even if we don’t take days away, we do need a regular time where we enjoy loving each other outside of our practical responsibilities in order to sustain a healthy marriage. We don’t do well without times that emotionally refresh us, even if it’s a simple walk at the park away from the kids and house.

But there was also a season where commitment and duty driven love saved the day. A few years ago in our marriage Todd and I went through a season where there was a struggle with affectionate love. At times our relationship was at times, holding on by a thread. That committed love was strong and we stayed committed to each other at this time, even though it wasn’t very enjoyable. At times it felt dramatically painful.

Thankfully, it was for a season and it took a commitment from both of us to pursue change and pursue that emotional love. The “commitment love” sustained us until we were able to reach a state of emotional, affectionate love for one another again - and it did come. But we didn’t settle for a commitment only relationship.

There are still times when we have to lean on one kind of love for the other. We don't have emotional highs and butterflies all the time but that commitment loves sustains us through the ups and the downs.

With our kids there are times when they are little and have tested our patience sorely but then we look at them sleeping with a burst of affection and love that sustains our love for them so that the next day when we have to clean up the broken pieces of something or deal with a temper tantrum, it’s easier to stay committed to them.

Recently I have felt a renewal of connection with Silas. His middle school years were the hardest of all my kids. In the last year or so, I have felt close and connected to him in a way that was completely foreign in his early teen years, when it felt like we were walking on eggshells and we were arguing about every little thing.

My commitment to him in his early teen years has turned into a relationship with deep conversation as well as fun and laughter that gives me so much emotional joy and love. The commitment love sustained the relationship until it turned into one of true emotional connection.

I have a friend group that meets once or twice a month. I feel like when we get together I emotionally enjoy our times and feel a lot of affection and love for them. We laugh and cry and it can be deep, fulfilling and fun.

But we’ve also had to have conversations about our commitment to each other. When we put a date on the calendar I feel like sometimes it’s like pulling teeth to find one that works for everyone. Once I put it on the calendar there are many things that come up that I could put in place of it as life gets busy. I could downplay it as unimportant, but I fend off other commitments because I am choosing to commit to these friends. And when I do and we experience that love and affection for each other, God reminds me of how vitally important and healthy these relationships are.

But if these things are true with spouses, children and friendship, how much more do we need to evaluate our love for God in this way as well.

I have had a season with God when I didn’t feel that emotionally refreshing love. Do you have times when it feels like God has abandoned you? You try to seek emotional experiences with him and find nothing. You feel like you are dry as a desert in your relationship with God.

I went through a season of feeling this way toward God. I knew he loved me in my head but my heart felt dead and I did not feel loved by him at all. During this time my commitment to Him is what I had to cling to. I had to cling to that agape, action, commitment filled, choice based love toward God. It sustained me until I could come back to that affectionate experiential love. And that emotional love did come back.

On the other hand, are you a person who is committed to God, to be obedient, to serve, to work hard and be morally responsible, but struggles with having experiential, wholehearted emotional and affectionate love for Him? Do you see God as someone who blesses us and does right by us but doesn’t really have intimacy with you or look at you with a huge smile of affection? Do you see experiential worship as “emotionalism” and a less important part of your walk with God? Do you downplay the role of experiences with God and take pride in obedience and sacrifice?

God tells us in Jn 16:27 that the Father loves us with phileo - that emotional affectionate love and that we love Jesus with an emotional, affectionate love.

It also tells us that even in 1 Cor 13:3 when it is talking about agape love that if we give our body to be burned but don’t have love it is nothing. I would have definitely said that if someone gave their body to be burned for someone else that they must have real love for them but clearly God is speaking of more than just action and sacrifice here because of the way he makes the contrast.

On the other hand, we may have emotional love without being fully committed. We have a wonderful time worshiping God and love to express our love for Him in outwardly affectionate ways. We may seek and have beautiful, emotional experiences with Him where we hear him speak to us. We may experience a spiritual high at a camp or conference and yet in our everyday lives we struggle to be obedient or committed to him.

We may be seekers of those experiences, without being a seeker of Him with a willingness to sacrificially say yes to Him, no matter what He is asking us to do and stay committed to complete obedience. When we say we love Him but do not do what he asks, our love is double minded, (Jas 1:8) tossed by winds of emotion.

Mt 22:37 Beautifully speaks of how we need to love God with our heart, our soul, our mind and our strength. This kind of love includes both emotional and committed love. And it is true that He loves us in both of these ways.

Both of these kinds of love come through for us in ways that help sustain relationships.

During times when it is easy to “grow weary in well doing” as the Bible says speaking of the action love - having an experience with God where we feel and know his emotional love and intimacy for us - sustains and excites us in a way that enables us to continue on when loving is hard, duty filled, practical and committed.

James 4:8 says “Draw near to God and He will draw near to You.” As we draw near to God, are we thinking about how He loves us and how we love him? Are we committed to serving, loving and following him with a selfless action based love? Are we at the same time, seeking that intimate, beautiful emotional connection that experiences Him in new ways and with new eyes?

Are you pursuing Him with Your heart, soul, mind and strength? And are you choosing to receive his deep, affectionate, emotional intimate love for you, as well as his practical, committed selfless love?

When we understand both kinds of love and live them out we will experience His love in a beautiful way that is both emotional and committed. And we can trust that these two loves will sustain each other as we pursue Him more deeply.

On Earth as it Is in Heaven 1/19/25

I started writing this as a Facebook update about Joseph - but it turned into a full blown blog post because I am terrible at brevity,

Joseph Update: We’ll be going inpatient at Children's tomorrow to prepare for a second surgery. We were in the hospital for 10 days in Mid December for surgery and it was a grueling process both in the prep and the recovery. We found out this week that he has to have the same surgery again….

This has been a really rough few days for Joseph and for us. As we were singing in church this morning this phrase “on earth as it is in heaven” came into my head quite forcefully. I can only believe it was from God because it hit me so strongly. God wants us to ask for things to be on earth as they are in heaven. That’s His will. Sin and sickness came into the world at the fall but His desire for us is to be on earth as it is in heaven. This is His desire for Joseph.

Two minutes after hearing this phrase in my head, we prayed the Lord’s prayer as a congregation. This isn’t an every-week practice for us at all at church. Tears came to my eyes that God spoke it to me and then we all spoke the words “on earth as it is in heaven” again.

Today is Sanctity of Life Sunday and our pastor prayed a special prayer praying for the tragedies of the world like abortion and sex trafficking and sickness and depression. And as he prayed, he said, “on earth as it is in heaven”. Three times in just a few minutes God brought this to my attention.

Halfway through church my phone buzzed and I looked down to see the name of our special needs director on my phone. Joseph was sweating, straining and struggling again. I had given him the strongest meds I could right before we left in the hopes that he would make it through Sunday School in his wheelchair. It was not to happen. Lucie quickly followed and helped me get him out of his chair and get him comfortable. We broke his tone by sitting him criss cross applesauce and supporting his back and neck and his labored breathing slowed and he calmed down.

Earlier this week, Thursday, our rehab doctor that has been following Joseph wanted us to come to the ER after we sent her the video of him that morning sweating and straining and in what Todd says is “dystonic crisis”. However, we went to the rehab center on both Thursday and Friday and we were able to talk her into letting us stay home for the weekend with a very strict regimen of meds and a promise to come in on Monday. This was a huge relief to us as we knew that we probably wouldn’t get the surgery until mid week next week and being home at this point is better for everyone, especially Joseph.

They anticipated that he would be able to have the surgery (again!) to replace the catheter for his baclofen pump by mid-week but they need to continue to titrate (turn down) the pump to get it ready for the surgery.

Titrating the pump means turning it down each day until he is ready to be able to have surgery and turning it up each day after surgery. This was a lengthy process the last time. It is dangerous to turn it up or down quickly. When they fixed the catheter last time they suspected that there was a blockage but they tested the new one and it worked fine. However after we went in a few weeks ago and they pulled back on the pump to check it - nothing came out. The conclusion was that another surgery was needed. This felt maddening. We’ve had to work through our emotions about having to go through this entire process again.

But in other ways this was a relief. We have been scratching our heads as to why Joseph hasn’t been responding well to the previous surgery. We have had such a hard time going down on his g-tube meds as we have turned up the pump and now at least this blockage seemed like it was a reason at least. They will replace the entire catheter and possibly the pump.

It has been difficult on everyone. As we titrate down, finding positions where Joseph is comfortable has been a challenge. The last two days of this week he couldn’t even go to school. Our caregiver, Catie’s patience has been challenged and her muscles have been tested in wrestling him into positions where he could be comfortable and figuring out now to help him.

Nights have been hard. Wednesday, Thursday and Friday nights I got about 5 hrs, 4 hrs and 3 hrs respectively. Joseph wakes up and I give him meds and most of the time he is able to go back to sleep, but I have not been able to. The way my body handles stress (even when I think in my brain that I am not stressed) is by choosing not to sleep, which makes everything worse. I taught at co-op Friday but found myself halting my words even in regular conversations because I wasn’t thinking straight I was so tired.  I feel like I've been tearing up at the drop of a hat as well.

Thankfully, our caregiver Lana stayed the night last night so I kept the monitor off and took some over the counter sleep meds and slept 8 hrs, despite having what felt like a mini panick attack in the middle of the night. She is a lifesaver at night and always willing to help, despite having to set an alarm for 3 am to give meds.

Back at church today, I’d hoped to bring him and have the elders lay hands on him and pray for him. When he didn’t even make it through the service I almost regretted my decision, but we were able to bring him upstairs and several of the elders and also our friends laid hands on him and prayed for him, for success for surgery, for healing for his body and comfort, for him to know that he was loved and for our family as we navigate all of this.

Todd has been so loving to Joe and we’ve seen some answered prayers recently in his life through all of this. 

That all said, our plan is for him to go inpatient at Children’s tomorrow and hopefully have the surgery mid-to late week. Last time the recovery process definitely took a lot longer than we were expecting. We are hopeful that it will go more smoothly this time. He has not vomited in a while and is coming in at a stronger place than he was before.

At the beginning of this year I felt like God gave me the word “stability” to pray for Joseph and Vivien. I don’t mind a little drama and I don’t like life to be boring but there are times with Joseph and Vivien where I am ready for a rest from the drama. Vivien has gotten so much more stable and easy to care for in the last year or so. She is vomiting less, gaining weight, has a good routine and is doing so well health wise. It has not been that way for Joseph so in thinking about the New Year, I decided to ask God for “stability” and focus on that word in my prayers.

As often happens in Bible stories - when you ask God for something and really start believing Him and petitioning, - often things seem to get worse. As I’ve written many times, God has used the illustration of entering the promised land in my life and in that story, things get worse for the Israelites before they get better.

I have been reading through the Bible and I was reminded that even after they entered the promised land - it wasn’t immediate rest and peace. They had to fight battles and take the land little by little. I feel like God is reminding me of this as we go through this with Joseph and continue to pray for the “stability” and “on earth as it is in heaven”.

We are so thankful for all the support we are receiving from friends - prayers, comfort, meals, driving our kids around etc.

We know He will sustain us this week so thank you for continuing to pray for Joseph and our family.