We knew several families that had gone through covid and though we are very careful for the Grandparents’ sake, I’ve never been super worried about the kids themselves or extra careful in that sense, as research has shown that covid is pretty mild in kids. Most of the adults that were caring for them were vaccinated so I felt a little more assured for that reason.
However, the night before we left, we’d gotten an email from Silas’ co-op saying that one of the kids there had tested positive. We’d gotten these before and it listed the class. I didn’t recognize it or think much of it, but about 20 minutes before going out the door to the airport, Todd mentioned that the covid positive student was in one of Silas’s classes.
Thinking of his cold, I realized that we should probably get he and Iva to be tested to be safe, so I quickly scheduled an online drive through test like we’d done many times before and asked Maggie to take the older three. I literally scheduled it a few minutes before we left for the airport. Joseph and Viv were already going to school. Joseph had already had the cold and tested negative so I didn’t bother getting them tested.
However we decided to keep Iva and Lucie home from the grandparents that day just to be safe. I did feel like it put a damper on the trip though, and throughout the plane ride, I felt some anxiety about it, trying to assure myself that SIlas had been in a classroom and they were all wearing masks, there weren’t close quarters and Joseph had just had a cold. I was fully expecting a negative test and decided it was just another one of those things that happens at the beginning of the trip that scares us and that everything would be fine.
After arriving on Maui that evening, getting our car and food for the week and heading to our condo in Kihei, I kept checking my email to see if we’d gotten any results back. There had been a storm there and the weather wasn’t great, but it was still Hawaii. However, I felt like I was holding my breath until we got that test back.
Todd and I woke up early the next morning because of the time change and it was so nice to be able to have a relaxing morning and not worry about getting everyone ready. Lucie did text to ask about something as they got Joseph ready for school, but it was a restful morning. Still, I kept checking my email.
Finally it appeared. I had to download the test and as I opened it, I was fully expecting to see “negative” breathe a sigh of relief and enjoy the rest of our trip.
When I saw the word “positive” my heart sank and I immediately felt nauseous. Silas and Iva were both positive and Lucie was negative. Maggie had already had covid, but after seeing the positive, I knew we’d need to get her tested also. I wasn't at all worried about the kids getting deathly sick. As I said before all the research showed that kids usually do fine. But I knew that if we had to take Joseph and Vivien out of school for the whole time we would pretty much have to come home. And of course I didn't want my mom getting sick.
As I said most of the adults caring for our kids were vaccinated but immediately we had to figure out a new strategy if there was any chance of us staying. I spent the next 5 hours working out alternative plans, thinking about where Joseph and Vivien would sleep, talking to Silas and Iva about isolating and having the other kids bring them their meals. We’d stocked the freezer before we left and had lots of help but we weren’t expecting covid!
We would have to pull Joseph and Vivien out of school until they were tested and got results back and we had sort of worked it out to where Lucie could help care for them some and the caregivers could help care for them. Mom and the kids were telling us not to come home and saying they could handle everything but we weren’t so sure. I was communicating with the school and trying to get everything laid out.
Finally in the late afternoon, I put my computer and phone aside (but not off!) and we took a walk along the stunning beachside path in Wailea. It was our only venture out of our condo, and despite walking one of the most gorgeous paths in the world, alongside the most beautiful beaches and expensive hotels (we were staying in Kihei not in Wailea), I could only feel anxiety and the sinking feeling in my stomach wouldn’t go away.
I was praying a lot. There were a lot of whys. There was also a feeling of shame that I was having a hard time shaking, wondering if we were too hasty and taking this trip or if we were selfish. It didn’t look like there was a way out. I was worried for the kids and my mom. I didn’t want to go home after all the planning, work and expense, but it also felt terrible to stay. We were face timing a lot with kids and Iva especially. She was getting to rest and watch movies, which she enjoys but it wasn’t looking good for us staying.
When Vivien’s caregiver Rhiana told us she’d vomited at school I felt even worse. Vomiting occasionally happens with her g-tube so it was a normal behavior for her but it is also sometimes her first sign her body shows of getting sick. I knew if it happened once it could be a fluke. But if it happened twice, it could be a sign she was getting sick. And if Joseph and Vivien got covid, we would definitely need to come home. As I mentioned before, I wasn’t worried about them being deathly sick as all the science shows that covid is mild in kids. But if they couldn’t be in school, there were definitely not enough caregiving hours to make it work.
As I was praying I was struggling with God a bit. Covid has been here for 2 years. Before we left I’d been saying I’d been amazed that we hadn’t gotten it yet. I was expecting that at some point it would go through our family. Why now? Why AFTER we left? If it had arrived a week earlier, we could have postponed, not gotten on the plane and at least saved some of the expense and trouble. If it had arrived a week later we could have almost finished out our whole trip. It did seem like this was very pointedly something God was in control of.
It was interesting because a few weeks before I’d read some of his promises God had given Todd and I at the beginning of our marriage. They were from Scripture and are beautiful and good. One of the admonitions that came with the promise was that after receiving “good things” from the Lord, not to turn to idols. I was asking him if Hawaii and vacations were too much of an idol in my life a couple of weeks ago.
Todd and I talked everything through on our walk and agreed that God would make it clear if we needed to go home although it was appearing like we would. We asked for a clear sign to know and we would just wait a bit longer to see what would happen. We ate dinner at the condo and as the sun set, walked across the street to the beach and sat together, watching a gorgeous Maui sunset over the water. I took pictures and a few smiling selfies with Todd that belied how I was feeling inside.
As we sat there, I was still feeling nauseated, anxious and sad. I couldn’t help but think about the idea that I could be sitting in one of the most beautiful places in the world, in the most lovely circumstances, after eating a delicious with my husband - and have NO PEACE. And yet there are other times, when circumstances are horrible and difficult and God gives GREAT PEACE.
Circumstances do not dictate peace. Only God can give that. I definitely didn’t have it. I was trying to talk myself into hope but it wasn’t happening. As we were sitting there I got a phone call from Lucie saying that Vivien had vomited again - pretty much her whole feed. We came back to the condo and decided to see how things were in the morning but knew things weren’t looking good.
The whole time we were there though, Todd was amazing. He had this assurance about him and inner rest. He was so loving and sweet to me and he had this sense of enjoyment for the moment. He said if we were going to go home, it would be clear and we could trust God and just enjoy where we were at and the time we had. He was super kind and though I was not able to be as at peace as he was, I felt like we connected really well and deeply, despite the time that was to be short.
When we fell asleep that night, I didn’t silence the phone just in case. At 2:00 am I was awakened by the buzz of the phone. It was my mom. She explained that she was doing ok, but she was headed into the hospital with the paramedics because she was having some chest pain. She said the kids were asleep. Maggie was there and we weren’t worried about them being alone but were concerned for my mom. Todd got on the phone with one of the paramedics he knew well and got the details. Her heart had been beating too rapidly (a-fib) and they’d stabilized it but needed her to go in for tests and observation. She was doing fine, and cheerful. Todd said that the paramedic told him that in all the years he has worked, he had never met a nicer patient. Of course. It’s my mother!
After we hung up, we looked at each other. This was definitely our sign to come home. Talk about another dramatic twist. We were not expecting this. I believed my mom would be ok but it was time to go home. At around 3:00am after the phone call I scoured Expedia for tickets and we found some relatively cheap ones, leaving at around 10:45am
It was still 3:30 am and despite my sorrowing heart and anxiousness about the kids we did sleep fitfully for a couple of hours. I dreamed that we were leaving, and in my dream I was sobbing and sobbing.
In reality, I knew that leaving Hawaii was a first world problem. I have so much to be thankful for and grateful for. Maybe I’d been asking too much to even go. But it was still painful, and again, felt a little shameful as if I’d done something wrong. I knew shame wasn’t from God, but but it was still difficult to shake. As we packed the next morning, I kept tearing up. We bought some good food for the week and and tried to pack a lot of it into our suitcase Todd joked we should try to eat the all the good stuff before we left but I didn't feel like eating anything.
As we drove away, I felt a mixture of anger, shame and sadness. We returned the car and sat in the airport checking in with the kids and writing. I knew I would be glad to see them and care for them, but I still kept struggling with God. I wanted to know what He was doing and I did feel like he was possibly revealing my idols.
However I wanted to trust him also. Somehow when we arrived home, I felt so much better just being with the kids and finding peace again. We’d done what we needed to do. As I’ve mentioned before, I love caring for my kids when they are sick. I loved hugging Iva especially since I’d been the most worried about her isolating, and it was good to see all of them and be home with them.
It felt like we came home and everything was fine. My mom was back from the hospital after being there for several hours, and after tests were run, she had almost no issues, other than a couple medications to take. Both Silas and Iva were doing better physically. Vivien was still struggling with some vomiting and though she hadn’t slept well the night before the night we got home she slept through the night like a dream. The next day everything seemed fine and a bit surreal that we were home and that we’d been on our day-trip to Hawaii the day before.
Over the next couple weeks, everyone got covid except Maggie, my mom and I. Maggie had had it this summer. I tested 3 times and was negative every time. I kept up my jogging, my water and my vitamins. Mom had bought D, C and Zinc for the kids in great supply. It hit Todd and Lucie like colds. Joseph didn’t have any symptoms until almost a week after he and Vivien tested positive. Thankfully both of them had fevers for a couple of days, and slight coughs for a couple of days, but other than that, they did just fine. They’d had a much worse cold a couple months earlier. Overall it was a fairly mild covid run. The research that showed that kids did fairly well with it proved to be true. The biggest loss for them was the fun things that I had planned for them with their friends and Grandparents while we were gone. It was especially hard on my social Lucie girl, to be home doing nothing for a couple of weeks
Vivien’s caregiver Rihana tested positive, and definitely had symptoms and spent some days at home. I know this was especially difficult for her because her mother had passed away from covid just a few months before in Africa. My heart went out to her. I visited her at her home, bringing her a meal and making sure she had everything she needed. Joseph’s caregiver Alimata tested negative thankfully.
After we got home my mom stayed at her house and away from the kids. Though she’d been in close contact with all of them except Iva and Silas (because of their colds), she tested negative twice and did just fine as well.
We did enjoy our time at home with the kids, just being together as a family. Todd of course was off work the whole time and we had a meal together every night, worked on projects and Christmas things during the day, often spending evenings watching movies or resting all together. We were just finishing moving Joseph and Vivien downstairs and redoing an entire room for them so it helped to be able to get that all done and organized. It actually ended up being a really special time for the family. And as long as I wasn’t reminded of where I could have been, emotionally I was fine. I would occasionally remember and wince but overall, I was thankful for the peace God gave me once I was home with the kids.
I do want to learn from this and I am asking him what it looks like to go away in the future. We were supposed to take the kids to Hawaii, two at a time this coming April with the others at home helping with Joseph and Vivien and the caregivers. Now we’re not sure about this or how it will work or if it will even happen at all. We want to be extra careful with my mom. But we also know that earlier this year we were gone for 6 nights and everything was fine. We don’t want to overreact and just assume we can never go away again.
But I want to be sensitive to God about what the future looks like. I want to listen to Him, keep my heart in check about what is important. There are so many things more important than vacation. I know we will go to Hawaii again someday. But as we’ve been reminded over and over, when you have special needs kids, life is different and there are limitations we have that others don’t. This is hard on us, and it’s hard on them. I don’t think it’s hard on Vivien, but I know that Joseph is aware of his limitations. The other kids are aware of how it affects them at times, having so much of our time and attention often given to Joseph and Vivien, despite our trying to keep a balanced focus.
I also know that just the fact that I’ve gotten to go to Hawaii several times in my life is a huge blessing. I have so much to be thankful for and grateful for both in earthly wealth as well as in spiritual, emotional and familial blessings. And though the sense of loss feels real, I also know that my “loss” because of covid is ridiculously small in comparison to those who have lost loved ones and friends. We have been relatively minorly affected by covid and I don’t take this for granted.
I am continuing to pray that I will learn lessons from this “day trip to Hawaii” and trust God for what the future holds with thankfulness and hope.
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